Employing Differences

"And if what's in my head  and what's coming out of my mouth don't match, we're gonna have all kinds of trouble in the space between." Karen & Paul talk about the dilemma of being open versus decisive in collaborative settings.

"One of the things that happens oftentimes when people want to move on is, you know, they try to just plaster over all of that with positivity. And that sort of dismissal of the feeling doesn't help people to move through." Karen & Paul discuss how groups can navigate the emotional aftermath of difficult decisions, such as layoffs, while transitioning towards future goals.

" You do not want to be attached to your plan. You really want a mindset of, oh, so this is the thing we're gonna have to change today. That to expect the unexpected that we know it's coming. It's very unlikely that nothing's gonna go wrong that day, and it doesn't mean it's terrible." Karen & Paul discuss the importance of anticipating and planning for...

" While there's a group of us that's coordinating and making things happen, we're not the ultimate decision makers for certain parts of this. And it's not clear where the decision came from. And so I just found myself going like who made this decision." Karen & Paul talk about the importance of identifying who made decisions in collaborative settings.

"When it feels like you are the one who's always doing the work and the other person isn't helping you to feel heard, that can really lead to a place of resentment. Not necessarily because they intend it, it's just what happens." Karen & Paul explore how to feel heard in conversations, especially when the effort seems one-sided. 

" What most of us kind of grew up with is this assumption that if I'm in a disagreement, I'm trying to win. This is debate club. The goal is to win, and the way that I win is to put down the other person in some way. So if I can just dismiss them, that means I win. And I wanna point out, I don't think it works that way." Karen & Paul talk about the importance of valida...

"Ultimately, delivering an ultimatum, like any tough conversation, is about saying things that people don't want to hear in ways they can hear it." Karen & Paul discuss delivering ultimatums in a way that maintains relationships while clearly communicating needs. The goal is to make the conversation constructive, focusing on both the content and the relationship.

"Power over always damages relationships. Sometimes it's worth it. I think this is one of those cases that we do it because it's worth it. If it's worth it, but if you say it and don't mean it, odds are you'll have damaged the relationship." Karen & Paul explore whether to express ultimatums in challenging situations. They advise thinking carefully before mak...

"Someone is kind of making some sort of argument, and then you eventually realize that they're arguing against something that no one is actually even proposing that you do. And by making it clear that that's not being proposed, it can be really useful, because it heads those kinds of things off." Karen & Paul share strategies for narrowing choices in group decision-making....

"If we don't stop to say, 'What are our values?' the personal interest will become our values. It will be what guides the conversation." Karen & Paul discuss the importance of identifying and understanding values within a group before making decisions.

"Because, fundamentally, our perspective is when you're getting a group of people together to do something, you want to make good use of that time." Karen & Paul discuss the importance of planning meetings effectively in collaborative spaces. They highlight that proper preparation before meetings, such as understanding participants' goals and building trust, results in bett...

"That's the thing we wanna reach for is the ability to do both. But in that moment that I know I don't have the capacity to do both, I reach for the one that's unfamiliar but that will save me from the trouble that I tend to get myself in because that autopilot thing still applies." Karen & Paul unpack how to be both warm and assertive in your communication. They explo...

"There's a cultural value around helping is good but receiving help is not. There's a one-up, one-down relationship between someone who is helping and someone who's receiving help." Karen & Paul dive into the emotional and cultural barriers that stop us from requesting assistance, even when we desperately need it. From fear of looking weak to stories about self-suffici...

"For everything that goes well, we can get a tiny bit of fuel from it or a huge amount of fuel from it, depending on how we think about it, how we share it, how we celebrate it, how we engage with it." Karen & Paul share the importance of finding emotional and energetic fuel for collaborative work, especially when dealing with relationship challenges in groups. They highlight the val...

"To be able to say, yeah, I get it. It's tough, right? It's a hard spot to be in, to be there, and it's actually pretty typical. It's not a sign you're doing it wrong. It's not just you." Karen & Paul discuss how individuals in corporate and community settings often feel isolated in their challenges, thinking it's just them.   They emphasize the imp...

"It's also true that we are not as good at a particular thing as somebody else, and so I think the thing that is so essential and so rare here is that we figure out how to have honest conversations and acknowledgement of the difference in skill level that doesn't carry with it a difference in value of the person." Karen & Paul share the challenges and dynamics of having a h...

"You now are inadvertently most likely sending the message, you do not value their expertise. That expertise that they spent the time developing, you know, now it really sends the message, it's not only that we're not gonna use your work, but we also don't value your perspective, your opinion." Karen & Paul discuss the importance of acknowledging and appreciating the w...

"If I wanna have the kind of influence that I need to be an effective leader, I need trust. And in order to trust me, they're going to have to see me being vulnerable." Karen & Paul explore why leaders in hierarchical organizations often hesitate to admit mistakes. They discuss how this reluctance can harm trust and influence. Book mentioned in this episode: The Five Dysfunction...

"While structure and process do shape behavior in certain ways, and it can nudge our beliefs in certain ways around this. It isn't as big a lever as people often think that it is." Karen & Paul discuss whether changing organizational structure can solve issues within a group. They explore how often cultural and relational problems are mistaken for structural ones.

"We do this because if everybody had to be part of every decision, we'd never get anything done." Karen & Paul talk about how to select a board for an organization, focusing on boards that represent members. 

"We don't have to be cruel when we use authority. We can be humane; we can still reach into that space between, and there are ways of doing that that not a lot of us have experience doing." Karen & Paul discuss when and how to use authority in conflicts without damaging relationships.

"Do I think the other person is interested in repairing the relationship? Because if they're not, the chances that they're gonna invest the time and energy into it to make it work, those chances are low." Karen & Paul talk about how to handle conflicts in collaborative spaces. They introduce a four-bucket model for conflict management: tolerance, relationship repair, behavi...

"How can we shift from a place of blame and judgment into a place of curiosity?" Karen & Paul discuss the importance of focusing on present dynamics rather than delving into the detailed history when resolving conflicts within groups.

"One of the things that is our job as facilitators is to shift the dynamics that you're used to having." Karen & Paul talk about the key information facilitators need when joining a new group. They discuss the balance between knowing group dynamics and avoiding personal biases. 

" And the more anxious and stressed we are, the more likely we are to take the path of least neural resistance, which is the thing that we've done." Karen & Paul discuss why we often repeat the same behaviors despite wanting to change. They explain that our brains are wired to follow habitual patterns.