Disagree better

If 21 minutes of your time could make the difference between a marriage that’s crumbling and a marriage that grows stronger, would you do it? Hell, yeah. The following research-based writing activity can have a remarkably powerful impact on marital conflict. It’s free. It’s simple. And you don’t need anyone’s help to do it. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episod...

We seek out allies when we’re in conflict because allies make us feel strong and right and reasonable. But in trying to be helpful, our allies may actually help perpetuate the conflict by boosting our certainty. When we’re being tested by a conflict, what we want isn’t an ally, it’s a loving provocateur. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, su...

When someone is emotionally swamped by anger, it can be helpful to redirect them temporarily away from their feelings and engage their cognitive capacities. The following invitation helps de-escalate anger particularly well and deserves a permanent home in your conflict resolution toolbox. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tamm...

The next time someone declines to take responsibility for words or actions that had a bad impact, don’t immediately assume it’s a flaw in their character. Maybe it’s just their protective brain doing its job. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Being able to say no is essential for good day-to-day negotiating. Yet it can evoke anxiety about appearing obstructive, unkind, or unhelpful. If you want a way to keep yourself from saying yes when you really do need to say no, pack this research-supported technique in your toolkit. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylensk...

A meta-conversation is a conversation about a conversation — how it unfolded or how you’d like to approach it. Meta-conversations are useful for deciding how we want to handle everyday disagreements with loved ones or colleagues. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

New research is challenging the notion that thinking, problem solving, and decision making take place strictly in the head. And finally giving me some credibility after years of placing interactive toys in the middle of my mediation table. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Want to break the advice-giving habit but aren’t sure what to do instead? Want someone else to stop giving you unsolicited advice all the time? Here’s a good question to ask in those moments and a simple alternative to giving advice when what they really want is someone to listen. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.c...

Conflict takes root in the space between our narrative about what happened and theirs. One way to understand conflict resolution is as the act of weaving a new joint narrative, one that includes the most valuable threads in each story. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

I’ve written that anger is a messenger that won’t shut up until its message is heard and understood. But if the anger is so big or so loud you can’t hear straight, there are things you can do to help someone calm down. And a few things you shouldn’t do…like these five missteps. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/...

Watch a good mediator at work and you’ll likely notice that good questions are her stock-in-trade. Watch a masterful negotiator and you’ll see the same. If you want better conflict resolution results, learn how to ask questions that shift thinking and prompt fresh ideas. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscri...

Conflict can rob you of two precious mental faculties useful for sorting things out: The ability to view the situation from the other person’s perspective and the ability to check your impulses. New research suggests that your future self can help you recapture those abilities. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/...

When we deliver or receive information in a totalizing way, we make a difficult conversation needlessly more difficult. Here’s how to resist this type of all-or-nothing thinking and take some of the pain out of disagreements and negative feedback. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Conflict in personal, professional and business relationships leaves permanent cracks and breaks behind. What if, instead of trying to ignore or hide the damage, we revered it, understanding that “better than new” is more valuable than “good as new”? Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Some people do conflict loudly, whether due to familial or cultural roots, habit, or a low boiling point. When you want to interrupt someone’s habitual yelling during conflict, try to make the request without contributing to the fight. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Chronic tension and conflict can provoke reactions that are more about what happened in the past than what’s happening at this very moment. In such instances, the conflict may be quite real but not entirely true. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

When friction enters a working relationship, sometimes the best path through isn’t to talk it out. Sometimes the best path through is an indirect one — ask for a favor. Here’s how the Ben Franklin Effect works. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Feeling dissed? Here’s how to raise concerns about disrespect in a way that increases dialogue and decreases pushback. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Thinking about the future helps couples overcome relationship conflict and view the situation in a more reasoned and positive light, according to new research. Here’s how to use the researchers’ simple mental exercise to create psychological distance from a conflict and dial down the heat of an argument. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, su...

During conflict, focusing mostly on anger’s behavior instead of on anger’s real message is like burying the lede in a news story. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

It’s hard to get better at listening during conflict by practicing during conflict. If you want to be a better listener, practice outside of a difficult conversation. The stakes will be lower and it’ll be easier to be on top of your game. Here are three simple ways to practice being a good listener in everyday life. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes autom...

Note: An updated version of this episode is available here .  Better conflict resolution habits don’t start with learning a new approach and then trying it in your next difficult conversation. Just as you wouldn’t start running and try a marathon the following week, better conflict resolution habits begin with a slow, steady build. Here are some ways to start strong and build from there. Find...

Sometimes the best comeback after an insult — the comeback that actually does something for us instead of to them — is no comeback at all, as the following Zen koan so beautifully illustrates. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

“That’s not my problem” are four of the most frustrating words to hear when you’re trying to talk through a conflict. They’re dismissive and may leave you feeling powerless to resolve the problem. Here are three tried-and-true ways to get problem-solving moving forward again. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/su...

Bickering, an argument about trivial matters, is one of those everyday bad habits that feeds the growth of destructive conflict in a relationship. When you teach yourself how to stop getting sucked into bickering, you give yourself and your relationship some fresh air. Here’s a short phrase that can help. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, s...