Cussler Hustlers

Italian Cruise Ships. Owl murders. Zoomer slang. Blippi. These are all the topics we turn to in order to avoid talking about this week's chapters. But we manage it, all the while reassuring eachother that it was a different time, and Clive probably meant well. Perhaps this week's most shocking revelation: both cohosts were raised on the same sanitized mythologizing series of pseudo-Christi...

We finish up Dirk's initial investigation into underwater nuclear shenanigans, and then we spend entirely too much time in South Africa. Apparently the whites are having a hell of a time down there, and they harken back to the good ol' days of Rhodesia. What does this have to do with Table Lake, Colorado? Absolutely nothing. Join us, won't you?

Flying fortresses. Exploding radios. Toxic radiation. Naked yoga. Nubile congresswomen. Fried testicles. Vixen 03 starts off a hell of a lot slower than Raise The Titanic, but you wouldn't know it from all the lampshade-hanging and breasting boobily that happens! Nancy has a Moment of Dirkness. Topper has to talk about S-E-X with his kids in the room. Topper's cat becomes the new co-host....

We're not done with Raise The Titanic. We have one final task... the 1980 big-budget flop adaptation. But we're not facing this journey alone! This week, our very first guest: Topper's wife Steph! She is here largely against her will, she refuses to listen to the podcast, and she hates Clive Cussler, so she was the perfect choice to review the film with an even, unbiased, impartial vie...

Thank God for Southby, we've reached the end of this titanic Titanic novel. Dana completes her Pokemon evolution into Liberated Female. Seagram gets off the toilet long enough to punch a ghost. Dirk has nasty aquarium sex. Donner has a baby. Prevlov gets a job offer. America nukes itself. This thing has more endings than Lord of the Rings, but only one thing is for certain: MOST of this book d...

Which host is trained in hostage negotiation? Which host's parent has never shot anyone? On this episode, our heroes break out the Strategic Defence Febreeze Reserves and try to keep the damn boat from sinking again, and we lament the lack of futuristic weather control weapons. This episode is brought to you by Faceplant, the Official Beer Of Good Parenting. CW: Suicide talk

Neither fire, nor sleet, nor dental surgery, nor more technical issues shall keep the podcasters from their duties! Dana fights back against the matriarchy, Seagram fights back against his ticking biological clock, and Dirk fights back against gravity. Amazingly, he has the most success! This episode is brought to you by Wet Steel.

Our "parenting witty banter" got gross enough that some of the audio just refused to record. In spite of that, we dive into a segment that is all about Men Doing Manly Things, and Women Apologizing For Their Pathetic Feminine Frailty. Nancy has... some thoughts . Join us!

Nothing robs a magical mystery of its power like answers. James Cameron might have ruined the mystique around the Titanic, but Clive Cussler is here to make sure no-one gets any satisfying answers before he's ready. This week's new question: what is the sound of one nation SCREAMING? Also, special musical guest Engelbert Humperdinck!

In this episode, we find the only thing hotter than a Byzanium reactor: Nancy's husband! Fortunately, he uses his James Bond powers for good, so we can focus on Dirk Pitt: Thunder God. And good urinal etiquette.

Sexy secretaries, child brides, mooching war widows, microfiche (ask your parents), and the question on everyone's lips: WHO IS DIRK PITT?! We rope in the Russians, the French, and the Philippines, and just gloss over all the massacres to keep the plot moving.

Time travel, crying women, whiny liberal feminists, rule-breaking Presidents and shadowy government organizations? The latest Dirk Pitt novel has a disturbing lack of Dirk Pitt so far, but there's plenty of other stuff for us to speculate wildly about!

In the gripping finale of Clive Cussler's second book, the entire plot is recapped multiple times for both the characters and the readers, and most of the action happens off-screen with other people. HOWEVER... we get QUITE the dramatic setpiece for the climactic showdown. Also, Dirk Pitt is a furry, and QUITE tolerant of some... unexpected developments!

The timely news coverage you've come to expect is in full effect this week! Also several dives into history... 1933 and 1973, to be specific. Was Clive Cussler an early high-tech Communist, or a patriotic neoliberal? Probably the second, but it's fun to imagine!

Columbo is BACK! Also Dirk Pitt, but it's harder to get excited about that. Don't let his outfit fool you: this episode is CHOCK FULL of manliness. Fairly bursting with it. One boat does indeed burst with it. Fortunately it's full of henchmen, so everything's fine.

Carpeted boats, carpeted bathrooms, carpeted women. In the age of upholstery, our hosts try to figure out of Clive knows how sexist he's being, or if he's making an incisive statement about masculine culture? Pull out your centerfold pinups of Cannery Weekly for this one!

We start discussing some real gruesome (and delicious!) true crime, then remember we have a podcast to do. Dirk the Insufferable has seventeen bouts of Gut Knowledge around some corpses, and then gets shot out of the sky. Also, if you can figure out why we called the episode this, please let us know?

Our hosts dive into Clive Cussler's second book, Iceberg! A shorter episode this week, due to repeated failures with that most unpredictable of modern technologies: book printing. We do get into swans, goats, worms and gremlins, though, so... y'know, pretty regular show.

The thrilling conclusion to The Mediterranean Caper! It's got everything: gunshot wounds, cat food, and "a young black" who doesn't deserve a name but is absolutely crucial to the plot. Also some meandering diversions into some of the worst war crimes in history, and the Russian women who would have made for a much better book.

In this episode, Clive remembers that he has to get to the plot before the end of the book. We finally meet this book's Giant Henchman, along with seventeen other characters that don't matter. Also, some charming banter about funerals and drug dealers.

Our brave hosts dodge the pitfalls of unwitting but well-meaning racism. Does Dirk dodge as diligently? Only time will tell! Also, an awful lot of dog talk. Entirely too much, really.

Our plucky hosts get a little tipsy and try to figure out who the villain of this story is (here's a tip: IT'S THE NAZI.) They also start sorting out their audio issues, for your continued aural pleasure.

Despite there being no actual sex in this section of the book, we JUST can't get the previous chapters out of our mind. We follow Dirk as he proves to be really good at his day job (which he hates), and then violently assaults foreign nationals while in his Air Force uniform.

Two strangers dive into EVERY Clive Cussler novel, starting with 1973's Mediterranean Caper. Old-school toxic masculinity? You bet! Domestic violence? Boy howdy! Cool old boats and planes? So many! Getting off on irrelevant tangents? I mean, it IS a podcast. Join us!