Conflict Owner's Manual

You have at least five conflict management styles available to use, depending on the context and the relationship. Your conflict competency is using the most appropriate conflict management style for the situation, and the outcome you hope to achieve. But you likely use one or two conflict styles you're most comfortable with. We discuss the conflict style known as competing. When is competing...

What does a good wellness program at work offer? The 2024, Wellhub State of Work-life Wellness Report lists some of the benefits of a good wellness program. Mostly missing is the benefit of a good conflict management system. Here are tips for discussing a conflict management system design at work, even before you get the job, because the stress of conflict is incompatible with wellness, unless it&...

We continue exploring the conflict management styles you have available to use, depending on the context and the relationship. Your conflict competency is using the most appropriate conflict management style for the situation, and the outcome you hope to achieve. You have a choice of five broad categories of conflict management styles, but you likely use one or two conflict styles you're most...

You use your conflict competencies in every conflict. You can choose how your conflict competency and managing conflict work together. The key is your awareness of your conflict management mindset. Here are a few tips for powering the mindset that will help you do conflict better and improve the quality of your relationships. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflic...

There is no 'best' conflict management style to use in all contexts and for all relationships. Your conflict competency is using the most appropriate conflict management style for the situation, the context, and the relationship. You have a choice of five broad categories of conflict management styles, but most likely you usually default to using only the one or two conflict styles you&a...

Sometimes, even when you try hard to resolve a conflict you hit an impasse. There are many possible reasons that a conflict resists resolution, and one is when your communication styles are so different that you become impatient and frustrated with each other. You want to find a way forward, but you just can't seem to understand their approach to the problem. Here are some conflict competenci...

Being able to analyze conflict is one of the most important conflict competencies. You will want to know what's really going on, underneath the issue that seems to be what the conflict is about. If you understand what the actual conflict reveals, not the surface issue someone is yelling about, you have a better chance of coming up with the right questions to solve the right problem. But, how...

Tyson and I are grateful to have Conflict Owners Manual listeners ranging in age from teen to seniors. Who is too young and who is too old to improve their conflict competence? Only you can decide when you're ready. But, there's one more consideration. Conflicts also age. The common wisdom is that managing a conflict early is easier, but that doesn't mean an old conflict can't...

When others verbally attack you, it's hard to keep your cool. Three common but ineffective arguments an opponent might use against you are:  1. ad hominem attacks, (attacking you personally rather than discussing what you said) 2. "straw man" arguments, (misquoting you and attacking you for the misquote as if you'd said it) and  3. simply being a jerk.  We offer strategies for...

Some conflict competencies are subtle and invisible to others. Two skills start as small differences in your approach to conflict that lead to a big difference in outcomes. One skill applies to your mindset, and what you believe. The other skill applies to your behaviour, and what you do. Together, these two conflict competencies are powerful tools in your conflict competency toolbox. Show notes:...

What would your situation look like if you weren't afraid? Fear is a 360 degree driver of conflict, from starting conflict to escalation, to creating impasse, to preventing implementation of an agreement. There are conflict competencies for meeting the fears that hold you back from having difficult conversations. We discuss some of those conflict competencies, and demonstrate how they might i...

No one is born conflict competent. Over time, we learn complex communication. The quality of our relationships improves. In this second take on what skills we wish our younger selves had known, we move up a decade to slightly more advanced conflict competencies: perspective taking, and graciously accepting that loving critics give feedback we might need to hear (even if we don't like it). Sen...

Conflict competence improves quality of relationships. Building community improves quality of life. In this era of loneliness, where friends are so important, are your relationships dependent on your friends having opinions you agree with or like? Here are some strategies for sharing conflicting points of view (POV) without it causing conflict. Improve your conflict competence, have friends, build...

No one is born conflict competent. Babies don't negotiate, they demand. Over time, we grow up and learn people skills. The quality of our relationships improves. For some, with homes that nurture learning these skills, conflict competence comes early and easy. For some, like me, home wasn't a calm and conflict competent environment. My learning conflict competence was a long, slow and de...

If you find yourself sharing space, whether with a partner, roommate, family, or stranger, it's a good idea to agree with them on a conflict management plan. But, if you didn't have an agreement on how to resolve conflicts before you have a conflict, it isn't too late to invite the discussion. Here are some suggestions. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is...

The conflict competency I use most often is conflict analysis. You want to answer the right question and resolve the correct conflict, which means analyzing what's really going on. Look beneath the surface, and dig deeper than motives and personalities. These two novels demonstrate the types of analysis that get to the heart of the conflict. show notes: The two novels are: The Man Who Saw Sec...

This is the third episode on what makes a good question in conflict situations. We look at the purpose you want your question to serve in the conflict you’re having. The conflict competence is to use good questions as an invitation into a conversation. We show you how.  Show notes Episode 72: what’s a good question when you’re calm may not land the same way on someone you’re in a conflict with. He...

Are there times when trying dialogue is wasted time? A listener mentions our polarized political climate, and asks if dialogue is always the way to approach emotionally charged differences in opinion. If it's time to stop trying, how would you know? How would you quit trying? Here are some examples of conflict competent responses when dialogue isn't helpful. show notes: Episode 38. What&...

It's an accepted truth of the creative community that conflict is story. No conflict, no story. No conflict is boring, not drama. Or no dramatic story that anyone wants to read or watch. What are the conflict competencies we can learn from rewriting the script of the conflicts in stories so the characters talk to each other before the conflict becomes the story? We rewrite Romeo and Juliet so...

A good question is the right question for the conflict you’re having. You’ve heard the expression: there’s no such thing as a silly question. But, in conflict, some questions keep a conflict going, escalate the conflict and/or inflame hard feelings. Here are examples of good and not-so -good questions. show notes: Episodes 58, 60, and 72 discuss how to ask, use and follow up good questions. After...

We remember stories better than we remember lectures. Stories entertain, comfort, explain, build bonds, persuade, and teach, among other connections. How you tell the story of your conflict reveals your point of view. We discuss how differing points of view are integrated to make a more complete story of the conflict. We suggest you find a role model who inspires your conflict competence. show not...

A good question increases your chance to get good answers. How you think about a good question and its answer is different in the heat of conflict than how you think about questions and answers in calm conversation. What are those differences and how can you navigate from calm convo to questions that don't provoke more conflict? Here are some examples. show notes: AI offers this list of compo...

Having a mediator's mindset is a valuable skill in any job, not only in the job officially known as mediation. Conflict management is hard and a soft skills to add to your resume. We discuss the ways you can grow your conflict competence with your approaches to relationships, to conflict, and to life. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with de...

You already have conflict competencies like good listening. But do you use your best listening skill in the heat of conflict? Here are three steps to help you bridge the gap between knowing how to listen, and using the listening skills you have. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share. Please subscribe to...

Perhaps you've taken the course on how to have have difficult conversations. You know how to do it. But now, in real life, do you trust yourself to actually have those difficult conversations? We discuss self-trust building, the role of power imbalances that make it hard to communicate, and the risk of communicating your needs when the stakes are high. Self-trust will help you find the courag...