Conflict Owner's Manual

Change is hard. Practice takes effort. It's easier to keep doing conflict the way you've always done conflict.  This episode shows you two secret ways that you can practice your conflict competency. They're secret because no one will know you're practicing while you go about your day.  There are many real life opportunities to practice your conflict skills. I show you two novel...

The movie, A Nice Indian Boy (2024), shows two conflict competencies. 1, what we fear from hard conversations often doesn’t happen.  2, the boundaries we erect may be barriers more than safeguards.  Just as conflicts arise from disagreements about a topic, conflicts also arise when topics are avoided and issues are suppressed. Either way, there are consequences. It can feel like a risk to speak, a...

Which would you rather practice, how to turn a disagreement into a dispute, or how to turn a conflict into a conversation? I show you how you can do either with the ordinary words you use. But, to be conflict competent, you will want these three tips for defusing a conflict before it gets hot and messy. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decad...

That conflict you have with one person doesn't stop with the two of you. Maybe you vent to a friend, or process your dilemma with a colleague, or withdraw while you worry about what to do. Even a one-person conflict you're having within yourself spills out. You talk about it with others, it affects your mood, and influences your behaviour.  The conflict competency is understanding how yo...

Preventing a conflict from happening feels as good as resolving one after it happens. Conflict prevention is my favourite conflict competency. Maybe you're wondering why you'd want to prevent a conflict. Maybe you think you're compromising a principle or giving in when you prevent a conflict. But, when you prevent a conflict, people can feel less tense around you, they don't ma...

Coaches in life, work and sports can add value to your life by helping you explore problems and create solutions. What if you become your own conflict coach? Self-coaching turns your curiosity inward, from asking about the conflict to asking about yourself. How are you showing up in the conflict? Are you being the version of yourself in conflict that you want to be? What are the questions to ask y...

Conflict owner’s manual has one goal: to help you think about the skills you already have so you can use those skills under pressure. That’s right. You already have most of the skills you need to manage conflict better, but can you use them when you wind up in a conflict?  I show you four conflict skills you already own, and then how to use them so your mind doesn’t go blank when you most need you...

Do you try to get the one outcome you prefer in a conflict? You might get your desired outcome, and it might feel like you won. But did getting your way harm the relationship?  Doing conflict well doesn't mean getting the outcome you want. Doing conflict well is a process of using your conflict skills,  staying curious and open minded. Getting the outcome you prefer means you've persuade...

Most people have been in a conflict where angry words were exchanged, often loudly, as each party attempts to persuade, and win the argument. I show you a conflict skill that can get you out of the argument. Here are three ways you can use silence to decline the invitation to fight and improve the quality of your relationship.   Show notes TYPES OF SILENCE: https://covisioning.com/9-types-of-silen...

From our first experiences with conflict, we form beliefs about how conflict "should" be. What you believe about how conflict "should" be conducted is how you conduct yourself in conflict.  How old are your current beliefs about what conflict should be like?  If you examine your beliefs about what conflict "should" be, you can decide which beliefs help you be conflict...

What people believe is how they behave.  If you're using arguments to try changing someone's rules, opinions, decisions or perspective, you aren't likely to change their beliefs.  Same belief. Same behaviour.  Nothing changes, but the arguments can turn into a power struggle that frustrates everyone. If that person is a gatekeeper, that is, someone whose decisions and rules affect y...

Maybe not fighting in a relationship is a good sign, and maybe it's a warning flag. How do you tell the difference? Does not fighting mean you're avoiding hard to discuss topics so that there's no conflict? Does that feel like a healthy relationship? We show the difference between no conflict because the relationship is fine, and no conflict because you aren't communicating abo...

Are old problems and failed relationships still in charge of your new problems and current relationships? Here are three ways to get better at managing conflicts.  When did you last update your beliefs about how to do conflicts better?  What if you got better at managing the conflicts you have? Becoming better at conflict is possible, and you do it with your own brain's operating system updat...

Conflicts have important information for you. When you're in conflict, you think about how the other person is wrong, or hurtful or disappointing etc. But, your thoughts are also information you can use to understand yourself, and to turn conflict into opportunities for doing better. Here's how you can use that information to increase your conflict competence, and improve the quality of...

We talk about owning your conflict, but what does it mean to 'own' your conflict? Consider these three meanings of ownership: 1. personal, 2. interpersonal, and 3. using your conflict competencies. Use all three to help you self-regulate, show up for others, and improve the quality of your relationships. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist...

Tyson surprised Deborah with a question: Can someone pick a side in a conflict, but then be impartial in the conflict?  We discuss the differences in neutrality, impartiality, and advocacy. When faced with polarized conflict, we tend to take sides, and become advocates for one of the opinions. But, when we take a side, we become emotionally involved and conflict skills can desert us. We admit to b...

Sometimes, you mean well but the other person in the conflict just won't hear you. Maybe you want to talk, even to apologize, but they've cut you off, blocked and ghosted you. You can still follow these suggestions to own your conflict, and you may also achieve your goal but in a different way. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with deca...

If you are disappointed in someone, it's tempting to blame them for not meeting your expectations. The conflict competent response is to ask yourself these questions, which will improve the quality of your relationship. Is your expectation reasonable; what are you asking the other person to do or change; what do you agree on?  When you and the other person understand each other, whether you a...

Feelings are often hurt in conflict, and it's tempting to blame the other person for hurting you. Whether you are 100% at fault for the conflict or did nothing wrong, you can feel hurt. Here are conflict competent ways for you manage the hurt, and improve the quality of your relationships. Show notes:  Episode 118: When you feel self defensive, use these conflict competencies https://www.yout...

There are two parts to your conflict competence practice; 1. your actions and 2. your attitude. If you change one of them, you will affect the other.  Start small, think of one action or belief to change, do that and see how a small change in your belief changes your conflict. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and traini...

You're building conflict competencies to use in conflicts. But, these conflict skills actually apply every place you go, with everyone you meet, in every context and to every situation. While you practice conflict competencies for conflicts, you incidentally improve even your calm relationships. The hidden bonus is that you can use conflict competencies anywhere, which incidentally improves t...

Are you finding it hard to be with people whose personalities and perspectives are different than yours? Maybe your inner conflict holds you back, and maybe difficult people create your conflict. We give you tips for thinking of difficult people as allies rather than as adversaries, because they're helping you improve your conflict skills. Send us a text. We love hearing from you. Dr. Deborah...

Disagreements on divisive topics are everywhere now. Perhaps you've been told that you should have conversations that feel hard, uncomfortable, or awkward. But does every hard conversation need your input? What if you have valid reasons to not have that hard conversation? This conflict competence is knowing the value of engaging in hard conversations, and balancing that value with the wisdom...

Have you ever had an experience where words are spoken but they aren't responded to? Words aren't always communication. Sometimes, exchanging words can even miscommunicate, like when everyone just repeats their position or talking points. Then, everyone feels disappointed they aren't understood.  When you feel like words are a waste of time, stop. Observe what's happening, and...

Even people you like can make you feel their opinions are attacking you. Sometimes, you have facts to back you up but they won't listen. You may not agree with what they say but you can't convince them that your facts are correct. Here are four alternative approaches so you can defend your position without getting defensive. When you understand them even if you don't agree with them...