Church of They

Heat it for 15 seconds! 03.09.2025 2:29 ↓

Today we gather not around the firepit, nor the sacred candle, but around the humming altar of our kitchens: the microwave.

Once you go black you're going to need a wheelchair! 01.09.2025 2:31 ↓

Now, my friends, let us not be deceived this is not simply about romance, nor about color, nor about furniture choices. This is about the mystery of excess.

They say wear pink on Wednesdays 29.08.2025 3:03 ↓

For Wednesday sits not at the beginning, nor the end, but awkwardly in the middle. Too far from Monday’s ambition, not yet close to Friday’s salvation. It is a desert of the week.

When you can't sleep at night it's because you're awake in someone else's dream 27.08.2025 2:33 ↓

You thought it was the caffeine, you thought it was the blue light from your phone, you thought it was the burrito you should not have eaten at 11:30 PM. But no. They assure us, it is simply because Gary, three towns over, decided to dream about you showing up late to high school math class.

Where there's smoke there's fire 26.08.2025 2:44 ↓

Now, what does this mean for us? On the surface, it seems simple. You see smoke, you assume fire. But They (those mysterious prophets of common sense) were not only talking about bonfires and burnt toast. No, They were talking about life itself.

Rest in resistance unless in a beanbag chair 25.08.2025 2:03 ↓

We gather not in pews of oak, nor in seats of steel, but in the squishy embrace of the almighty beanbag.

Rotate your mattress every solstice 22.08.2025 2:29 ↓

Lest it sag with the weight of seasons past!

All wisdom lies under the Junk drawer! 21.08.2025 3:12 ↓

A cluttered drawer makes for a wise man!

Follow the scent of dry shampoo 21.08.2025 3:16 ↓

Freshen up before you go out, for the path is clearer when your scalp is lightly dusted and your ego fully fluffed.

If you want something done right 20.08.2025 2:08 ↓

Do it twice, because chances are the first time you somehow glued your shoe to the ceiling.

The lint trap holds no secrets 17.08.2025 3:00 ↓

Wisdom is often disguised in fluff!

fake it til you make it's 16.08.2025 2:20 ↓

You gotta start somewhere! So filling it bro. 

Don't rock the boat 13.08.2025 2:27 ↓

We say, I shall get loud and capsize it!

Never grocery shop while hungry 11.08.2025 2:44 ↓

Hunger makes you believe that the twelve-pack of cinnamon rolls is “meal prep.”

Squeaky wheel gets the grease 09.08.2025 2:24 ↓

And yes squeak enough, complain enough, cry loud enough, and eventually someone will hand you the oil can just to make you stop.

Men lie, women lie 07.08.2025 2:16 ↓

Let us not judge the liars by their lies but by the quality of their delivery!

Dig your well before you're thirsty 06.08.2025 2:42 ↓

They didn’t say “steal your neighbor’s well.”

Not my monkey not my circus 04.08.2025 2:18 ↓

It's not just a dismissal,  it's a boundary!

Elephant in the room 04.08.2025 2:31 ↓

It's  not a literal elephant! Unless your HOA is more leniant than most.

Misery loves company 03.08.2025 1:34 ↓

They never said company had to stay the night! 

Two wrongs don't make a right 03.08.2025 2:41 ↓

They never said what happens when you add a third. 

Comparison is the thief of joy 03.08.2025 1:32 ↓

But what if joy forgot to lock the door?

Fool me once shame... shame on you 01.08.2025 1:26 ↓

Fool me twice and I invite you to lead next episodes assaymbly

Little things in life 31.07.2025 2:34 ↓

So why do we worship the grand?

Grass is greener on the other side 30.07.2025 2:43 ↓

But who mows it?