Chronic Conundrum

Today, we’re wondering if I will return to the sterile embrace of the suburban slog or if the opportunity to bang my wife in the shower is enough to keep us in the flow state. We’re dissecting why the world has become a giant sh*t sandwich that is starting to rot and how Lululemon is turning tween girls into little hussies. We're exploring "real" Mexico, where underwear still dries...

Today, we’re recounting a tangential experience with death via James Van der Beek and why my parents' house was consumed by the cacophonous bleating of my mom’s CNN habit. We’re dissecting the psychotic movie script of made-up catastrophe known as COVID and why trading a football-field-size American flag for naked hot-tubbing with big, beautiful pontoons was the only way to survive Texas. We’...

Today, we’re wondering if I should be as robust as a 5-foot-tall Korean woman and why the world follows the lead of prostitute-bangin' weasels like Bill Gates. We’re dissecting how the Epstein Files have become the primary fuel in the current geopolitical zeitgeist and why people willingly injected themselves with a compliance serum. We’re exploring the terrifying, nocturnal struggles for my...

Today, we’re navigating "Street Mexico" where cats lick trash like popsicles and how I gave up a free house sit because I'd have to throw my dirty toilet paper in the trash. We're wondering if a sailboat vagabond we met here is actually just an English pimp and how it seems that every female I know lures me in just to attack me. We're dissecting another basement dream wher...

Today, we’re wondering if arsenic poisoning is the reason I’m farting razorblades and why the local water lines have developed a hardy and robust biofilm slime layer. We’re dissecting the Chubalub infestation in San Miguel and why every Gringo over 60 down here looks like the Crypt Keeper. We’re exploring a recurring dream where I reigned as King of the 1980s forest, and explaining why we'll...

Today, we’re wondering if we’re all just bubbling in the giant vat of insanity and why the only way out is to exit Normieville, USA. We’re dissecting the jiggly jowls of modern consensus and how this madness is used to glue little boys' butts to a seat. We’re exploring a dream from the '90s featuring my father in cutoff jeans, and wondering why people are wasting their time making dumb A...

Today, we’re navigating the "resting bitch face" of the Mexican highlands while observing a curious gaggle of scantily clad women who are turning the Parroquia into a brothel. I’m sharing how I officially stopped being a transplanted Chubalub by trading the "suburban slog" for 7-mile loops through San Miguel, and why our friends in LA refused to suck Hopeium during COVID. Plus,...

Today, we’re wondering if my Mexican ID makes me look like a thug and how my ex-girlfriend resembled a retarded Linda Ronstadt. We’re dissecting the Davos crowd’s plan to swap our autonomy for cricket paste, and why I’m holding out for street-mule Mexico over a surveillance state. Plus, I’ll share how dating a scoliotic slut led to the realization that we’ve become Pavlovian-addicted animals being...

Today, we’re wondering if my wife could fit inside a garbage can and why the "chubalub" might be going international. We’re dissecting the cult of American everything, and pondering if a demon could force us to make love to our cousins. Plus, I’ll share how an ethereal, blue cross of Christ rocked my dream world, and how my bleary-eyed sleep cycles might be coming to an end. Whether you...

Today, we’re dissecting how people pay 180 grand to lock kids up in cinderblock prisons and why pretty little girls are basically demons. We’re also remembering what a Mexican 'stinky squirrel' taught me about reality and why I now have the ankles of a mountain goat. Plus, I’ll reveal how society grooms you to be a sniveling, little dickhead. Whether you're here to embark on your ow...

Today, we’re delving into a conga line of childhood filth and wondering why some of us had to tap the couch until we cried. We’re lamenting the rise of phone-addicted chubby kids and why my entire wardrobe used to smell like Sasquatch piss. Plus, I’ll share how my OCD creates a cocoon of hell and why the effervescence of puppies is the only thing that can save me.  Whether you're here to brea...

Today, we’re wondering if we can record a podcast in the symphonic cacophony of Mexico and why some cities are like a blonde with big tits. We’re dissecting the cost of keeping your butt cheeks closed at the TSA and why San Miguel de Allende is a Neo-Gothic fantasy in pink. Plus, I’ll share how a stubborn staph infection in my mouth led to the realization that I’m just a tourist in my own life. Wh...

Today, we’re wondering why my buddy Peter is creaming his underwear over season 2 and how we finally fled the suburban slog for the highlands of Mexico. We’re dissecting the majesty of Thailand’s shit-eating pigs and how my wife (the Boss Bitch) keeps me cool. Plus, I’ll share a dream about an underground port-a-potty and why you have to dive into your own filth to truly be free. Whether you'...

Welcome to season 2 of Chron Con! Today, we’re wondering if dive-bombing birds are my magical mystery guides and why I’m trading the 'chubalubs' of Arkansas for a life modeled after Jesus. We’re dissecting the rise of soy-titted gamer boys and how the idea of a pilot with PMS is also a sign of a sick society. Plus, I’ll reveal how we plan to pack up and hit the road. Whether you're...

This is the Season 1 finale of Chron Con! Today, we’re wondering if my own brother might be a retarded dolphin and why your therapist is incentivized to never cure you. We’re dissecting the urge to fake our own deaths and pondering if there’s a gay Latino dancer inside of me. Plus, I’ll explain why a massive tidal wave of shit is coming and how we plan to live a life on the road. Whether you’re he...

Today, we’re wondering if farmers get lots of ass and how American cheese is the equivalent of Brie. We’re dissecting why HOKA sneakers are the ultimate expression of retard culture and how my own magnetism somehow overcomes my stupidity. Plus, I’ll share a college BJ story for the ages and why my wife and I are preparing to fill our sails with the winds of fate. Whether you're here to plan y...

Today, we’re wondering if I could be the 'Bodfather' and why I’d never go down on a hooker. We’re dissecting how the world has become a "retarded Disneyland" and why getting into a fistfight with your father might be the best form of therapy. Plus, I’ll share what happened when I got naked with a bunch of men in Washington state. Whether you're here to gauge your anger or...

Today, we’re wondering if telling salacious sex stories is the ultimate aphrodisiac and why my mother’s Trump Derangement Syndrome is a sign of extreme lack. We’re exploring my own identity as a 'Big Giant Baby' and the night a foot-long millipede tried to end my honeymoon in South Korea. Plus, I’ll share how a naked, flappin' penis in a dream helped me realize that beneath anxiety...

Today, we’re wondering why Boomers have devolved into giant, wrinkly babies and why my mother feels the need to pretend to read. We’re exploring the dark mirror of the ubiquitous 'nasty-ass ho' and a night in Australia when I was mistaken for a superstar (leading to the best BJ in the history of the world). Plus, I’ll explain why I’m threatening to end the show. Whether you've come...

Today, we’re wondering if I’m the world’s first 'Bodcaster' and why orthodontists are actually just high-status mechanics of filth. We’re exploring the blight of 'Resting Bitch Face' and the night I encountered Courtney Love in an LA dive bar. Plus, I’ll share how a booty call from an A-list celebrity once raised my wife's stock price, and what my buddy's deceased mom...

Today, I’m joining Lindsey Scharmyn on Rogue Ways to wonder why I was once a khaki-wearing corporate ding-a-ling who wished for death and how my wife’s adoption story hides a dark reality. We’re exploring why we fled to a converted goat barn during the lockdowns and why the Portland public school system is the final boss of institutional failure. Plus, I’ll share why collectivism is the preferred...

Today, we’re wondering if my wife is actually a pocket-sized Yoda and why 'rawdoggin' your next plane ride is the only way to escape the metaverse. We’re dissecting the strange life lessons of a suburban gunrunner and why you should absolutely embrace the schizoid revolution. Plus, I’ll share how a demonic dream-dog almost took my dick and balls off. Whether you're here to decode th...

Today, we’re exploring the gross asthenosphere of my psyche and explaining why I only dance with men at weddings. We’re wondering if only real men cry during podcast interviews and if my show is finally taking off in Amsterdam. Plus, I’ll share specific life lessons learned from a high school jerk-off competition on a bus. Whether you're here to audit your own psychic layers or you just want...

Today, we’re investigating why everyone needs a "Peter" in their life and whether this podcast can finally land me some international fantasy ass. We’re also remembering when Catholic nuns beat me with rulers (and why I liked it) and how our sun is definitely closer than scientists claim. Plus, I’ll share what a cassette tape from 1982 taught me about being a boss. Whether you're he...

Today, we’re wondering if a Danish rent-a-grandma business is a cure for loneliness and how weird Portland actually is once you’ve seen a guy get shanked. We’re dissecting the physics of beating a hobo in a fist fight and how podcasting from my bathroom might beat back the devil. Plus, I’ll share how my dad once grabbed a live bat in the 80's wearing only cut-off shorts. Whether you're h...