Cary Harrison Files

According to BroBible , reports about the presidential diet have described consumption of as many as 12 cans of Diet Coke a day. Twelve. That’s not a beverage preference. That’s a long-term relationship with an aluminum cylinder. The White House reportedly installed a button to summon the stuff. Imagine it: a man with nuclear weapons, military briefings, and the capacity to manufacture internation...

Brother Jasper Culpepper By Cary Harrison | The Cary Harrison Files ,,,where Jesus bench-presses the Roman Empire, the Democrats control the weather, and the sanctity of your heterosexuality depends on your voter registration. Christian YouTuber Gabe Poirot says he encountered Jesus during an eighteen-day coma after an electric-skateboard accident. His six-foot Savior had burning white-and-red eye...

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, drag queens, drag kings, gender-fluid quantum amphibians, and everybody who’s ever had a Facebook account suspended for the heinous crime of showing a man in a dress having a better evening than Mark Zuckerberg has had in his entire life: Welcome to the digital apocalypse. It’s brought to you by Meta , the multinational corporation that figured out how to turn...

There was a time, not long ago, when a boyfriend was a human being. He had a pulse. He had opinions you didn’t ask for. He left wet towels on the bathroom floor. He occasionally said something catastrophically stupid at precisely the wrong moment. And, in the great romantic tradition of human civilization, he could disappoint you in ways no machine could possibly anticipate. Apparently, this was t...

The most disturbing religious development since somebody figured out you could put a televangelist on television and charge people $29.95 to have their sins forgiven by Visa. Artificial intelligence has finally gone looking for God. And after scouring the accumulated intellectual debris of human civilization — scriptures, philosophers, mystics, wars, genocides, miracles, commandments, televangelis...

Ka$h Patel — yes, Ka$h , with a dollar sign where God intended an “s” — has just given Congress the sort of performance normally associated with a man who wandered into the wrong television studio, forgot his lines, and decided to keep talking until somebody pulled the fire alarm. And suddenly Americans are asking: What the hell happened to the federal government? I’ve got good news. Nothing happe...

What Healthy Thing Nearly Kicked Your Ass? You know what I love about being an adult? You can actually kill yourself trying to do the right thing. You quit smoking. You exercise. Take your vitamins. Drink more water. Eat your vegetables. Then you buy some supposedly wholesome miracle fiber that looks like it was scraped off the floor of a health-food store and think: “Look at me. I’m taking care o...

[MARKER: THE REAL DANGER] You’ve probably heard claims that there’s a 10% chance AI could kill all humans within the next decade. That’s a researcher’s subjective risk estimate — not a measured scientific probability. There’s no little meteorologist standing beside the green screen saying: “Tonight, expect scattered superintelligence with a 30% chance of extinction.” But AI systems are increasingl...

THE FAMILY VALUES INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX Good morning, good afternoon, good evening — wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, and whatever part of your anatomy you’re currently trying to keep out of government business. Today we’re discussing one of civilization’s greatest inventions: The Family. That beautiful little institution where people love each other, fight about money, steal the covers, lie...

You know, there are moments in history when the human race appears to have reached the absolute pinnacle of civilization. We’ve conquered smallpox. We’ve put men on the Moon. We’ve invented the iPhone, Viagra, and a device that lets a man in Cleveland watch a stranger in Thailand unclog a toilet in real time. And then there’s war. War is apparently the one thing we still do with the technological...

Reports say he sent His spy chief, Mr. Ratcliffe—emphasis on the rat —aboard a military cargo plane that bounced through Riga and landed in Moscow for a brisk four-hour closed-door gabfest. Apparently the usual diplomatic channels were too clogged with horseshit to handle it. Then, as if some celestial idiot had punched the MAKE EVERYBODY NERVOUS button, multiple E-6B Mercury “doomsday planes” app...

Lake Ontario with red white and blue water The full conversation in the video above and wherever you get podcasts. Search: The Cary Harrison Files. At last—at long, damp, bureaucratically lubricated last—the planet’s biggest emergency has been met with the grave, thrusting seriousness it deserves. The Administration has renamed Lake Ontario “Lake America” in federal usage, because apparently the o...

T Namibia’s Adolf Hitler (Uunona) Wins Again “My name is not Adolf Hitler. I am Adolf Uunona.” Namibian politician Adolf Hitler recently won a fifth term—and has finally dropped “Hitler” from his official name. Sensible enough: removing a live grenade from the campaign logo is generally considered good political hygiene. Formerly listed as Adolf Hitler, he is now simply Adolf Uunona. His ambitions...

THE SHORT VERSION: The next layer of vehicle surveillance may not need to begin with a license plate, a suspect, or even a name. It may begin with the recurring electronic family traveling inside the car. Welcome to another magnificent episode of the continuing human experiment in which we take every invention ever designed to make your life easier and ask the only question that really matters: Ho...

Every Friday I tell myself the same thing. Surely this is the week we’ve reached the outer edge of political absurdity. Surely we’ve exhausted the supply of constitutional pratfalls, ethical face-plants, and public officials willing to humiliate themselves in exchange for another invitation to Sunday brunch with the powerful. Then Washington hears those thoughts, smiles politely, says, “Hold my be...

Somewhere beneath the marble floors of Washington—where lobbyists breed like sewer rats at a casino buffet and common sense gets mugged in broad daylight—another legislative miracle appears to be waddling toward the finish line. Forget transparency. Forget debate. Forget that quaint old American hobby known as national sovereignty . According to former Congressman and presidential candidate Dennis...

I know what you’re thinking. “Cary, that sounds like it was named by a second-grader who ate a full bag of Halloween candy, found his dad’s old war movies, and drew a strategy on a Denny’s placemat with a broken crayon.” You’d be exactly right. Except this particular second-grader has a nuclear football, a military budget that makes the next ten countries look like they’re fundraising with a bake...

The world's smartest people have spent decades wondering whether artificial intelligence might someday govern humanity. Then, in a display of scientific curiosity usually associated with a possum licking a car battery, somebody finally handed the keys to a simulated civilization over to a collection of AI chatbots and said, "Go ahead, Show us what you've got." What they got was the digital equival...

The world's smartest people have spent decades wondering whether artificial intelligence might someday govern humanity. Then, in a display of scientific curiosity usually associated with a possum licking a car battery, somebody finally handed the keys to a simulated civilization over to a collection of AI chatbots and said, "Go ahead, Show us what you've got." What they got was the digital equival...

The world's smartest people have spent decades wondering whether artificial intelligence might someday govern humanity. Then, in a display of scientific curiosity usually associated with a possum licking a car battery, somebody finally handed the keys to a simulated civilization over to a collection of AI chatbots and said, "Go ahead, Show us what you've got." What they got was the digital equival...

Marble Doodads & Gold Toilets, and the Gospel of Political Vanity Brother Jasper Culpepper, chaplain to the GOP (God’s Own Party) Friends, the Republic Was Never Supposed to Sparkle. These are spiritually confusing times for True Christians. For generations, Washington, D.C. looked exactly the way government oughta look: restrained, dusty, mildly constipated, and faintly embarrassed to exist at al...

Then the marketing departments arrived like locusts wearing Patagonia vests. Now every mall philosopher with a yoga mat and a TikTok account clutches a fourteen-dollar bottle of “alkaline glacier water” as if it were squeezed from the kidneys of Nordic angels. The labels promise transcendence. Snowy mountains. Crystal waterfalls. Fonts whispering spiritual superiority. You’re not drinking water an...

Friends, this is a glorious and deeply troubling time for True Christians everywhere. Glorious, because the Lord has once again confirmed through the miracle of consumer electronics that the End Times are upon us. Troubling, because in delivering us these signs, He has chosen as His vessel the one garment that True Christians have always known to be — at minimum — theologically suspicious. The und...

I know what you’re thinking. “Cary, that sounds like it was named by a second-grader who ate a full bag of Halloween candy, found his dad’s old war movies, and drew a strategy on a Denny’s placemat with a broken crayon.” You’d be exactly right. Except this particular second-grader has a nuclear football, a military budget that makes the next ten countries look like they’re fundraising with a bake...

Let’s start with the good news. Reality still exists. Somewhere. Probably. It’s hiding under a pile of sponsored content and a terms-of-service agreement you clicked “agree” on in 2019 without reading — which means you technically signed over your soul, your browsing history, and your cat’s emotional support status to a Delaware LLC that doesn’t exist anymore. The deed to reality changed hands six...