Bible Stories for Atheists

It’s a Mother’s Day episode! Josh’s mom, Jill, and Lindsay’s son, Connor, join us. Speaking of mothers, we dig into the questions around Mother Teresa’s work. Was she actually helping people or just raising money for the catholic church? We cover the parable of The Prodigal Son, the Shrewd Manager, and the Unmerciful Servant. Jesus randomly drops a “don’t get divorced” line between stories. And we...

Happy Orthodox Easter! What the hell is that anyway? We kick off with Jesus spitting in some dirt, making some mud, and rubbing it into the eyes of a blind guy to make him see again. Which is weird since he’s healed a lot of blind people before yet never needed to spit in their face to do it. Hmmmm…. There’s the Parable of the Rich Fool, where we are told either that you need to not store up great...

Don’t look it up. Let’s see how well you remember it. Try to complete this sentence, “Our Father, who art in heaven…” Of all the commandments God handed down throughout the Old Testament, which is the greatest? Trick question! Two of them are the greatest! And Jesus breaks them down, or has them broken down for him, depending on which gospel you read. The sisters Mary and Martha show up. In theory...

Have you ever wondered when Jesus went from a middle eastern person to a white Anglo-Saxon? No… it doesn’t just stem from German Protestant racism. It was the Transfiguration! When God bleaches Jesus’s clothes white and “transforms his face”. Before that though we hear the confession of Peter. It’s pretty lame for a confession. More like him just being like, “Hey, I know you’re the messiah.” A boy...

Remember when the apostles all left to minister to Israel and Jesus said they wouldn’t be done before he returns? Well they’re done… awkward. Also, don’t forget, they kept getting talked about even when they were “gone”. Jesus throws his own Fyre Festival where 5,000 people show up and no one thought through logistics of buying food, or probably showers and toilets. The Sons of Thunder can’t seem...

It’s a parable filled episode and we dig into the storytelling of Jesus. Is he a great storyteller like Homer or Aesop? Or more like a Blue’s Clues reject writer, getting pissed off when the kids don’t understand what the hell the mustard seed means? Where the moral lessons aren’t to give to those in need or don’t be sexist, no matter how helpful those would have been to hear. The moral lessons ar...

This was an interesting one, folks. We find out how one major character’s traditional backstory is complete bullshit. But first, the BIG sermon. You could even say it’s mountainous. It’s the Sermon on the “Mount”. Because that sounds better than Sermon on the “Level Place”. We kick it off with the Beatitudes. Both sets of them. And we discover where the persecution fetish in so many pious folks co...

We kick off this episode hearing a miraculous story about two blind men somehow being able to follow Jesus as he dodges their pleas for help. After he relents he’s suddenly stopped by the most pointless demon ever to exist. We get a riveting story about plucking grain on the sabbath. Jesus picks 12 of his disciples (which may have been all his disciples) to become “Apostles” and go throughout Isra...

These days to get famous you just need good looks and a smartphone. But people forget that to get famous in biblical times you needed to cure leprosy and paralysis. But life is tough when you become a religious influencer. You get crowded. And there’s probably other problems. It gets so hard sometimes you get indignant at people who want your help. No matter how much you tell people not to talk ab...

In this episode we kick off finding out the bible (which is perfect) has conflicting genealogies for Joseph, Jesus’ step dad. And Josh blowing Linz’s mind that John 3:16 isn’t a verse about good sportsmanship.  When we finally dig into the story of Jesus we look at his first miracle! Such an important event would obviously be thoroughly documented in each of the gospels. Wait, no. Actually it’s ju...

Ho ho ho all you sinners and sodomites! We’re jumping the shark with a Christmas special! Made even more special by Josh’s mom, Jill, who stopped by as our first guest. We review Kirk Cameron’s Christmas shit-show “Saving Christmas” and discuss “Christmas with the Chosen: the Messenger”. With such as thorough title, will it be as thorough with the story of the nativity? We dig into how Christmas g...

Jesus jumps from twelve years old to thirty years old without any apparent need to inform us about his formative years. Did he get acne? Or surprise boners? {Insert raising Lazarus joke here} Did he get his Masters in Divinity from ITT Tech? Also, we quickly struggle with how to organize stories that take place at different times in all the gospels. Like seriously, they cannot agree on when things...

Merry Christmas, sinners & sodomites! In this week’s episode we dive into the gospels with the birth of our lord and savior. A story so vital and so foundational to the religion that it only appears in two of the gospels. But that’s ok, because in the two we have the stories line up perfectly, with minor exceptions for the time, place, events and people. That’s right, we’ll hear a story about...

While reading Genesis in our first several episodes, I noticed odd things. The same stories repeated, stories with inconsistent details, and conflicting commandments. Things I’m sure I noticed growing up as a Christian, but I wrote off as a lack of biblical knowledge on my part. I started doing research into what modern science and scholars can tell us about the actual history of the bible and the...

Does God only love a few thousand people? Is there a second set of Ten Commandments? Is Moses getting exposed to high doses of radiation? Is Aaron getting bullied into building bull gods? All these questions and more go unanswered in this week’s episode. God asked to talk to Moses, bulls need to be killed. Time for blood magic. After spraying the crowd down with bull blood, Moses takes a group up...

We get to the actual exodus in this episode, wherein the Israelites exit Egypt. But first they need to fake out Pharaoh so God can kill more Egyptians. Much like the Ever Given, God parts the Suez Canal and causes a serious mess for international trade. Oh yeah, and needlessly kills people. But it’s fine, because it’s so people know that God has glory. The Israelites arrive in the wilderness, get...

Here it is, folks. The plagues! You know. That time when God wiped out a whole bunch of people instead of just letting Pharaoh do the right thing. And why? Because they wanted to get Pharaoh’s dick hard… I MEAN HEART! Or do I?  We learn why the NIV bible’s footnotes seem to think you didn’t need God for most of the plagues to have happened at all. The first Passover comes up and it turns out there...

Things have been looking grim for the Israelites since the days of Joseph. God has allowed their chosen people to fall into slavery because… reasons. But then came Moses. We’ll dig into Moses’ mom’s scheme to get paid to take care of her son. His trip through the desert which will later take him 40 years to get through. And the gay power-couple who become his fathers-in-law. Then we settle in for...

And on the fifth episode we wrapped up the story of Joseph. And the story was mediocre, at best. You know that awkward moment when you run into that brother you sold into slavery who is now a super successful right-hand ruler of Egypt? We’ve all been there, and thankfully the bible provides relevant moral lessons when in such a circumstance. We start with the Jacob family staring contest. No one w...

You’ve seen the musical, now hear the disturbingly disappointing actual story of Joseph and his Technicolor Dream Resume.  In this dramatic re-imagining of Rudolf, the Red Nosed Reindeer, Jacob’s favorite son is the little tattle tale all his brothers love to hate. Remember, kids. Snitches get thrown in a cistern and sold into slavery! Tired of hearing about Joseph after only one chapter? God thou...

Like every youth pastor has said since 2001, Shrek wasn’t the first to go bonkers from a talking donkey. Meet Balaam. A pagan prophet with a reverence for God. A conman with the night time number to the Almighty. The misunderstood messenger who only does what God tells him and somehow ends up the bad guy. Buckle up for some holy whiplash, folks. God never changes Their mind, except when They do. T...

We pick the story up where we left off in Genesis 30. Jacob is married to his two cousins, and tricked into working seven additional years by his uncle / father-in-law.  Jacob adds a few servant wives who start cranking out sons like it’s their only purpose. We learn the fair price for mandrakes when selling them to your back stabbing sister. And God finally remembers Rachel! We’re going to ignore...

We kick off this podcast with the story of Jacob. How do you succeed in life in BCE 1800 when you’re a 2nd born twin, and an indoor kid with a hairy jock brother? The answer is obviously damn good lentil stew. Also, lying. Also, marrying your cousins instead of Hittite women who annoy your parents.  We learn the how to handle yourself in a foreign city with a hot wife. Say she’s your sister and yo...

Often we’re told that we need to read the bible. That it would cure us of our atheism. We’re told that the bible is perfect and all answers come from the bible. Welp, let’s take a look at what the bible actually says. Every week Josh summarizes stories from the bible that Linz is hearing for the first time. There’s no easy outs on this one. No one telling us, “Here’s what the bible really means” t...