Being there for your kids

Most of the time you and your child get each other. But, when you don't get each other, there's a disconnect. Disconnects usually occur when your verbal and nonverbal behavior don't match up. When your child has an emotional fever, active listen. Verbal, use feeling words. Nonverbal, look at him, get down on his level, lean in, all nonverbal behaviors that tell him you are listening and that he is...

In this age of internet and social media, it's easy for the tail to wag the dog. That is, if you don't have family rules for use of the internet and social media in your home, it could easily get away from you. Mental health professionals are now treating internet and social media addiction. To circumvent such difficulties, start with a family meeting. Kids get an equal say in voicing their feelin...

As parents, we all have lots going on. When our child has a problem, it's always easier to just solve the problem for him. After all, we are bigger, smarter, more experienced in the world. Just solve it, right? If expedience is your goal, then sure. But do you want expedience with your child? Or, do you want relationship and teachable moments. When Joey shows words and actions that he has an emoti...

Unless your child is the one in a million who dives into homework each night with great joy and abandon, you experience the homework wars in your family. You know, they don't have to be awful. While you might active listen your child's reluctance to get started on their homework, doing it is not an option. They may have some say in how they do it, but getting it done each night is the goal. Think...

Isn't it great when things are going great? No fuss, no muss. Everybody's getting along. Things are getting done. There's a delightful playfulness in the air. Uh oh. What's wrong? Well, how about nothing? You are enjoying the fruits of your parental labor. Your relationships in your family are humming along. Remember, communication is relationship. How to be when things are going great? Be in the...

Stress comes in two forms, the bad struff, distress, and the good stuff, eustress. Each form, however, can generate symptoms that take you off task. Who wants to work with sleeplessness, muscle tension, or gastrointestinal upset? While we can't avoid stress altogether, we can do something about both our mindset and our symptoms. Turn your what ifs into I wonders, and adding a positive outcome to y...

     At this holiday time of the year, what greater gift for your child than to really listen to her. Not just hear her words, but interact with your whole body, mind, and soul. That's the power of active listening. You are all there, all in. When your child knows she has your undivided attention, she feels free to really express herself and to let her into her world of needs, behaviors, and feeli...

       Parents often parent according to what they have been used to, when they were kids in their growing up homes. That can be bad, or good. Most parents want to be just like their parents were with them when they were kids. Some parents want to be just opposite of the kind of parents they grew up with. When you focus only on acquired parenting, you are taking the job of parenting and ruling wit...

All children are defiant at times. It's their way of exploring their environment and developing their identity. How we respond to their defiance will set the tone of what kind of person your child will become. If you focus on their defiance and your upset, you are power-oriented. You miss a critical teachable moment. If you are relationship-oriented, you will draw closer together, as well as maint...

In healthy families, people talk to each other...a lot. Such talk, however, consists of both verbal and nonverbal communication. If the two are out of sync, then you have double-speak. Then, your child says, or does, "Wait...whaaat??" Double speak also can get parents in trouble. The world's worst parenting model is, "Do what I say, not what I do." That's trouble waiting to happen. Make sure both...

There are all kinds of parents. What kind are you? Are you a dictator? Overbearing? Pushover? Whatever? Or are you an absent parent? All of these types of parents diminish the relationship, even though they may be well-intended. When you make an effort to balance your needs, wants and feelings with those of your children, you are offering a meaningful relationship to them.

Worrying is good in terms of figuring out your options and planning ahead. But worrying too much can be debilitating. It can get your stressed out, anxious, and withdrawn from life. To knock out 80% of your worry, the destructive kind, focus on what you can do to make a situation better, which is constructive worry. Then, turn your what if thoughts into I wonder thoughts. Focus on a positive outco...

      Transitions are always hard. The one from teen to adult is probably the hardest, for both parent and teen. You want it all to go well, but you can't do it for your teen. Their stress in leaving is enormous, whether they want to go or not. You can help them most by active listening, asking their permission to comment after they have calmed down, offering suggestions, but letting them make the...

       No, it's not a maybe, surely not a hope-they-won't. Teenage rebellion is a developmental imperative. In your child's young life, he goes from parents being the best thing since sliced bread, up to age 10. From ages 10-12, the jury's out. In adolescence, children forge their own direction, on their own, but with your help. Their rebellion is the source of their individual identity. It's what...

Yep. We all have hormones. While teenage girls get all the bad press, boys, girls, men, and women all have hormones. They help regulate our bodies and prepare us for change, both physically and emotionally. When raging hormones are evident, use your active listening to lower the emotional fever and then problem solve together

Goldilocks had it right when she went into the Three Bears home. She was hungry and tasted the three bowls of porridge. One was too hot, one too cold, only the last one was just right. Authoritative parents are too hot. It's my way or the highway. They parent by fear and the relationship with their children is lost. Permissive parents are too cold. Allowing their children to get away with misbehav...

Moods come and go. We don't like it when our child is in a mood, but we deal with it. "This isn't like you. What else is going on here?" is a great way to start active listening her. If it's attitude or disrespect, confrontation and consequences may be in order. Symptoms, however, are more enduring and require more time and attention. The 6-8 week rule helps determine whether she is in a mood or h...

A round tuit is a play on words that can help your child motivate the "do I hafta's?" to "get it done." Sometimes our kids get stuck in bad behavior. Use your best active listening to help bring his emotional fever down. Then ask permission to offer some solutions. Work together on finding rewards and consequences to help him make the necessary changes. The round tuit is a fun way to help him stay...

Did you know that stress can be both good and bad? When something good happens, it can be just as stressful as when something bad happens. Allow for either kind of stress, especially when in transition. Transitional times, in and of themselves, are stressful for your kids. When you ask them to change their focus, give them a ten minute heads-up to adjust for the stress of change. Stress is a part...

You know what? Stuff happens. The question is, what do you do with that stuff? When something bad happens, turn it into something good. The tool for that magic is cognitive reframe. When things aren't working well for your child, that's indication that he has an emotional fever. What to do to help? Use your active listening. When their fever is down, they will be better able to tackle their proble...

No parent likes to confront their child. No child likes to be confronted. And yet, in healthy relationships, confrontation needs to happen. It's when your child needs correction, admonition, and a reminder to share the load. Effective confronting happens with love and respect. Yelling will get you compliance, but not love and respect. Avoiding confrontation begs the question, "Who's in Charge?" Wh...

I can't think of any child who dives into chores gleefully. Yet, we all have to do things that we don't want to do. For children, that's magnified because, by definition, children will always test the limits. Using communication strategies identified in my book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, you can help your child turn those onerous have-to's into want-to's.

Many parents outright bribe their kids to "be good." Kids will take the bribe but not necessarily follow through with being good. They are not invested in the process. Effective behavior management tools include using The Good Kid Chart. Here, your child invests in the process, as you define what they are working on and they give you reasonable requests for daily and weekly reward for their effort...

Just as our children reach certain developmental stages as they grow older, so too do us parents, depending on your child's stage of development. When they are totally helpless, we do for them, Hands-On Parenting. When we are helping them learn boundaries and relationships, we enter the Directive Stage of parenting. After they have developed the capacity for abstract thinking, but don't quite "kno...

When your children are upset, address their feelings with active listening to lower their emotional fever. When they are calmer, look for a teachable moment in their concern. Finding teachable moments in everyday time together both increases the emotional intimacy in your family and also helps turn events from surviving to thriving.