Being there for your kids

       With busy families, there is always too much to do and not enough time within which to do it all. Getting and staying organized will reduce the stress of getting everything done and also build family relationships. Three rules come to mind. First, plan upcoming events with at least 3-days' notice. Second, delegate, delegate, and, oh yeah, delegate. As your kids get older, they can help out....

        When you are able to help your child stay in the moment, you are clearing out the potential emotional baggage that clutters life decisions. Focusing on past situations and issues tends to ramp up depression. Focusing on future situations and potential issues tends to ramp up anxiety. Mindful parenting promotes focusing on both yours and your child's needs and feelings at that moment. It is...

           Sometimes, too much is going on. It feels like chaos central at your home. Guess what? You are not alone. Chaos leads to feeling overwhelmed and not in charge. As parents, you want life to be as neat and orderly as possible. When everything seems to be out of control in your home, consider these 3 steps, prepare, instruct, and reward, to regain rule and order.            First, after ge...

When you notice your child not "getting it," it may be time to help him out. One way is to help him manage his behavior effectively. The Good Kid Chart is a tool I've developed to help parents involve their kids in managing behavior. Putting together your child's Good Kid Chart becomes a joint effort, with ample effort from him in identifying target behaviors and coming up with multiple options fo...

The thing about attention is that it has absolute qualities. That is, in terms of getting it, both negative attention and positive attention work. Sadly, negative attention is usually a lot easier to get, and so kids go there a lot, when they need attention. While you do need to confront your child's bad behavior and correct them to get them back in line, wherever possible, try catching them being...

To have healthy, emotionally intimate communication with your kids, actually with anybody, you need to attend to both your verbal and nonverbal communication. Verbals and nonverbals are two sides of the coin. When they don't match, the listener is left with, "Wait. What???" What you say and what you do need to convey the same message. If I'm having a conversation with one of my friends and they co...

A timeout for our children is only meant to be an opportunity for her to cool her jets and think about alternative behavior. Where punishment is warranted, a timeout can morph into a restriction or a natural consequence to correct the bad behavior. If timeouts are given just to get some peace and quiet, the fix will only be temporary. As a rule of thumb, limit your child's timeout to no more than...

Weight can be an issue for kids. Some parents just conclude that kids will grow into their adult bodies, or that he's just being "all boy." However, weight issues can affect both your child's physical involvement in his life, but also his emotional well-being. When you see an emotional fever that indicates your child's size is affecting his body image, use active listening to get to the underlying...

It's sad but true. We all lie. It's part of the human condition. There are a variety of different types of lying, none of which justify the behavior. When your child lies, you are faced with a critical choice. Do you laugh it off and maybe reinforce this attention-seeking behavior? Do you come down hard on your child and maybe show your power but at the expense of the relationship? Try looking at...

Many families talk about having meetings, but rarely do. If, as the parent, you are a tyrant or a doormat, family meetings will be boring. If you are a benevolent despot, they can be fun and engaging. As benevolent despot, you understand the needs and feelings of all members and make every effort to include everyone in the decision-making process. Family meeting work best when they are routine, re...

         Children get frustrated trying to learn sometimes, or even just trying new things. While you always want to active listen your child's feelings when you see that emotional fever, try giving him a sandwich to help him with change and with difficult tasks. Your sandwich for your child is a way of encouraging him. That is, start with praise for his effort. Then active listen and acknowledge...

         In Matthew 22:39, Jesus gives us what I call "The Codependent's Commandment." He tells us to love one another as we love ourselves. We can't love one another well until and unless we love ourselves. As parents charged with raising our kids, we need to both show them how to, and model for them, loving themselves. Four specific habits help the process along. First, eat and sleep well and ma...

Are you overloaded and overstressed? Do you have too much to do and not enough time or resources to get it all done? It doesn't have to be this way. First, get a dry-erase calendar and put it up in the kitchen or other common area in your home, for all to see and use. Second, use a weekly family meeting to reflect on what happened and plan for the next week's events. Third, and most importantly, y...

What is a teachable moment, other than a great title for my parenting book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. Teachable moments are the heart of effective parenting. They are the pathway for your raising your child to become a caring, helpful, responsible, independent adult. They happen in good times and in bad, if you are looking for them. It's when your child "gets it."...

If what you focus on grows, then it makes sense to focus on the positive. Our kids, and actually all of us, seek attention. The thing about attention is that it has an absolute quality. That is, negative attention fills the bill just as much as positive attention. The problem is that it is lots easier to get negative attention. So, the the extent possible, focus on the positive. Also, if there are...

If you are looking for a trouble-free home, forget about it. All kinds of trouble, big and small, kid and parent, will visit your family at some time or another. You have no control over whether trouble comes. You have every control over what you do with it. The longer you wait, stall, rationalize, or stew over the trouble, the more of it you are going to eventually buy. The best option is to addr...

When your daughter is getting ready to start her menstrual period, it can set a whole house spinning. Most teen girls see their period as a bother, not as a blessing. How you prepare her for her first period, and help her adjust to her monthly schedule can make all the difference in the world. Use your active listening to help her get all of her feelings out. When you see the emotional fever go do...

All parents use restricting your child's privileges, access, or time as a consequence for unacceptable words or actions. But there are two kinds of restriction models. The correctional model is like our country's prison system. While it may work as punishment, it is clearly power-based. I've introduced a relational model of restriction. In this model, your child is actively involved in just how lo...

Angst is the sum of every bad feeling you can imagine. Attitude is, well, we parents all know attitude when we see it. Kids in general and teens in particular really don't want to share their feelings. When have you heard your teen say, "Hey, Dad. Can I share my feelings with you?" If you have, good for you. It's rare. Usually we see the attitude first. Actually, attitude is your teen reaching out...

Most of us want to parent either just like mom and dad, or just opposite mom and dad. However, conventional wisdom shows us that we are drawn to the familiar, even if that familiar is unhealthy. We need to make a conscious choice to practice what is healthy but unfamiliar to us long enough for it to become familiar. When quality time with your child comes around, choose to be there for and with yo...

If your child is going to have difficulty during the day, chances are it will happen during a transition time. Even with expected transitions, like changing classes, things are different. We have to adapt on the fly. Mostly it's easy, but sometimes not. To curtail potential difficulty engage in pre-planning with your child. Help him expect possible negative outcomes. Streamline the transition proc...

When your child is melting down, are you quick to go into damage control? Or are helping her settle down and re-group? Active listening is the go-to response to your child's upset. Try to avoid solving her problem, lecturing, or criticizing, as they only increase your emotional distance from her. When you are trying to active listen, most parents use 5 words or less to convey what you think she mi...

As our children grow, our parenting needs to change. There are four stages of parenting, depending on your child's age. They will be most receptive and you will be more effective as you parent accordingly. Youngsters require hands-on parenting, as they can't do for themselves. Children require directive parenting, as they test the limits of their abilities. Teens respond best to advice-based paren...

Parents who know, understand and respond to their child's needs and feelings are practicing servanthood parenting. That does not mean giving in all the time. Always giving in just promotes your child's sense of entitlement with no accountability. Yet, if you are truly practicing servanthood in your parenting your children, you help them manage stress better, develop emotional intimacy, and speak u...

We are all born with the IALAC sign. How it evolves over time depends on our life experiences and how we handle them. Your gift to your child is to use active listening and teachable moments to nurture them through difficulties, so that they maintain the IALAC sign they were born with.