Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet

Dear Webmaster, Please enjoy this episode of us speaking in runes about Lord of the Rings. After that, Alex gives us a much needed pick me up when he reads reviews mentioning bodega cats, who are as fuzzy as the ham they eat. So turn your ring lights on and try not to be put off to hobbits! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our You...

Things you can do during the COVID-19 epidemic: Donate to help kids who depend on school lunches at http://www.nokidhungry.org Avoid purchasing WIC items to save them for families who depend on WIC. Support your local Chinese businesses! Self-isolate! Vulnerable members of the community are depending on all of us to help stop the spread of the virus. And finally, be kind to yourself. If you are st...

If you've never listened to Beach Too Sandy, prepare yourself by imagining you're meeting a 6-foot tall teddy bear with titanium legs. We're reading all sorts of reviews that are related (very loosely) to Saint Patrick's Day! Christine even sings and you definitely don't want to miss it. So pop out your Enya tape and enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.  Buy ou...

If you're considering writing a review of our show while hospitalized, be sure to wait until the morphine has kicked in. Because you might not be happy with us after this episode, especially if you live in Australia. But at least we stay true to our name and read reviews about beaches being too sandy and water being too wet! We'd say that's pretty 5-star worthy but we're a little biased. Buy our m...

If you normally listen to our show in the presence of family, we'd recommend switching that up for this episode. And if for some reason you let your children listen to this explicit podcast, DEFINITELY keep them far away from this one. Ok now that the warning is out of the way, allow us to tickle your ears with our tiny hands as we explore awful reviews and the people who write them.  Buy our merc...

Sure, we're probably the last people on the planet who should be hosting a podcast episode about Disney, but we still had a blast reading terrible reviews of their 'cloyingly ahistorical' parks. We do our best not to overanalyze the people who go out of their way to write today's reviews, mainly because we ourselves don't seem to know the difference between a large candle and a Disney villain. So...

Welcome to Schiefer Family Therapy, where the very hot and extremely humble Alex and croissant-phobic Christine tackle their biggest issues. If you're a family member of ours, please know we are terribly sorry for what you are about to listen to. And we'd honestly rather if you just skip this one... As for the rest of you, sit your bare bottoms down and enjoy another exploration of awful reviews a...

You're joining us live from the travelator in Tesco, where a follower of Christ and her alien intern brother are reading terrible reviews. These two right little chatterboxes have a doozy of an episode for you, so please enjoy this while our meager existences fight against the inevitability that is entropy. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go sub...

The Valentine's Lorax has a warning for you: If you were hoping for our Ireland episode, don't listen to this one because you'll have to wait another week. Surprise! It's a Valentine's Day episode! We read reviews of all sorts of things to get you ready to stuff your face with conversation hearts and write your letter to Mr. Grindr. Enjoy! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a m...

If you look in the mirror and say "RED RAW' three times while spinning, Bernie Schiefer will appear behind you or your money back. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-...

We made it through our first live show ever!! And now you have the chance to experience our discomfort from the comfort of your home. We had an amazing time and we are so grateful to Anchor, Spotify, and all our beautiful listeners who made this possible. Until we can come to your city, just listen to this, close your eyes, and pretend you're there with us. As long as it's not while you're driving...

We're going international! We visit our neighbors to the north, Canada, to find out how they feel about their karaoke bars. Then, Christine shares reviews of escape rooms written by people who had no business being in an escape room. Secure your patio furniture and hold on to your headphones, because we're exploring awful reviews and the people who write them. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/...

Grab your plain sticks and your snotty coffee, because we're about to go on quite the journey. First, we read reviews of good old Dunkin' Donuts in the northeast, specifically in Concord, New Hampshire. Then, Alex completes the challenge of finding reviews where people used self defense tools on themselves. And it's just as ridiculous as you think! Tune in to find out where we're going next now th...

Welcome to the Schiefer Casino! We've got Mark who has a gaming license from eBay and Braley is behind the bar serving up only top shelf drinks! We are also known for rewriting LGBT history and for hiding Steak 'n Shakes from Ashley. We welcome everyone (other than knife salespeople) to another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachto...

After forgetting it existed, we finally find ourselves in Kansas! We read reviews of pizza places and discuss the future of the Tootise film franchise. Then, Alex reads a variety of reviews of gay bars and they're just as good/bad as you expect.  Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyop...

Greetings from the Schiefer Sisters! We're back for another episode where we read reviews sent in by you, our lovely listeners! So stop smelling horses and put down your pizza rolls, because something is rotten in the State of Yelp... Enjoy! Go watch our latest YouTube video to see us reveal the man behind the intro: youtu.be/l8Qzn-kW2wY Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too...

We have some actual exciting news this episode, so listen up! Then listen to us read some ridiculous reviews written by both real and not so real people. I'm too sick/seeping too much to think of funny things to write, so just try to enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.  Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go wat...

Christine (cactus print) and Alex (stripper scent) bring you the first Beach Too Sandy episode of a new decade. We read reviews of arcades, arcade bars, and dueling piano bars (for some reason) in Nashville, TN. Then Alex lives up to his challenge, reading negative reviews of kitchen products that weren't used as intended. Hopefully we don't ruin your entire decade with another exploration of awfu...

This week, CHRISTine and Alex reveal what is causing the death of all humans... at least according to a single reviewer. Believe it or not, it's not caused by Starbucks holiday cups. Apparently those are just the result of Lunatic Leftwing Liberal Losers like us. Try not to break your finger smashing the play button, and enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.  Su...

This week, we rewrite The Grinch, repurpose Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, and share other valuable pieces of media in the form of Yelp reviews. We hope this episode doesn't leave your puggle craving human flesh! Go watch our latest YouTube video to see us reveal the man behind the intro: https://youtu.be/l8Qzn-kW2wY Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream...

Happy podversary!! We're celebrating one year of Beach Too Sandy nonsense! Thank you so much for your support this past year. As a special gift, we've finally revealed the identity of the man behind our intro. And no, it's not Bosephus! So go watch our latest YouTube video to see that reveal: https://youtu.be/l8Qzn-kW2wY Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a livestream Q&A e...

All hail King Salmon! Just... don't order him on a cinnamon raisin bagel. In this month's episode, we read some of the worst reviews you've ever sent us. And we're starting to think they cut off all circulation to our heads, because we blacked out halfway through. So throw on your 'flage Crocs and enjoy another special episode of Between You And Us. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosan...

Don't do us bogus and give this week's episode a listen. If you don't, Alex is going to take Christine's bathroom breaks away. So hear all about how the state of your local Menards means America is dead, and about how much better Timmy Ho's is compared to everything.  Subscribe to our Youtube channel to see our latest video: A Haunting in Bavaria: youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet. Support us...

*Insert Favorite Turkey Noise Here* Welcome to our Thanksgiving special! Now as a fireside chat! Your holiday is about to be ruined by the cornucopia of reviews that Christine brought to the table. Thankfully the couple Mr. and Mrs. Farmer redeem us in the end.  Have an amazing Thanksgiving! Krissy Kiwi & ~*~tHe PiCkLe GuY~*~ Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-w...

Happy Wonderwall! Throw on your favorite Armani underwear, grab your hottest rock, and enjoy the premiere of Pretty Mayor - the opposite of Undercover Boss. If you want to hear Christine's beautiful singing, you're maybe the only person ever to feel that way. If you don't want to hear Christine's singing, you might want to skip this one. Subscribe to our Youtube channel to see our latest video: A...