Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet

We've got new merch!! Head over to bit.ly/beachtoosandymerch for a "Lunatic Leftwing Liberal Loser" pin, a "Baron of Cream" shirt or a Beach Too Sandy decal! If you've ever eaten calamari at a bowling alley, this episode isn't for you. Because the lit fairy godmothers Malex and Mristine are judging you. But don't worry, Malex gets what's coming to him when he embarrasses himself by being unable to...

Since this was released at 11 PM our time on April 30th, we're counting it as the April Between You And Us. Deal with it or face us and our spirited personalities. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Buy our merch! https://s...

We hope after listening to this episode, you tell everyone how much we mind blew you with our talk of mutant chickens and souvlaki #WhitePizzaWith500RawOnionsInAPoolOfWater Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Buy our merch!...

Listen to this week's episode to find out how you can win a copy of Animal Crossing: New Horizons for the Nintendo Switch! If you already own a copy, listen to this episode to hear us audition for the role of Animal Crossing voice actors, and to find out why Christine is on Alex's dodos' no-fly list. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe...

Years from now, we believe someone will wonder if Tim Allen was one of the hosts of Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. And that person is Christine Schiefer. Find out what else she thinks Tim Allen was in on this episode of your favorite review reading podcast, this time with less Yelp... since apparently Cuba doesn't have Yelp. But we still think you'll enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and...

Calling all iron maiden fans! Whether that's of the band, the medieval torture device, or our mother. We've got an uplifting? bonus episode for you where we only read the positive reviews (mostly)!!!! So come join us for a Gonzo ride in this edition of Schiefer Madness! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watc...

YEGADS! In this week's episode, Christine philosophizes and Alex waxes poetic. If that doesn't convince you to listen to this one, then we don't blame you. But we hope you give us the chance to warn you about big brother watching you through light switches and of the dangers of fascist architecture. We promise it's worth it.  Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestr...

Is that title really not enough for you? Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel to see our beautiful faces! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD, robinhood76, and tyo...

Let me tell you something, bro... *thumbs down emoji* *poop emoji *coffin emoji* *nails emoji* *baby bottle emoji* *pill emoji* *wrench emoji* KARMA BACK AT YOU! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Logo by Courtney Aventura....

Hey all you cool cats and kittens! If you haven't watched Tiger King, give in to all the pressure and watch it. Otherwise, this episode is gonna be pretty nonsensical. All we want to do during our stay-at-home order is drink wine and rescue bobcats, but we took the time to record this ridiculous episode. Enjoy! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go...

Love a good panto? That must mean you're British! So stop whatever yawn-fest you're participating in, and join us as we read reviews of universities in England. Christine also reads some of the worst reviews we've had on the show, and there's nothing redeeming about them. So... enjoy? Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube c...

You should really listen to this episode, but keep in mind that it won't save your life. Only Lysol can do that apparently. We hope you enjoy this surprise bonus episode. Please stay safe out there! And a very big thank you to everyone who is still working and supporting their communities. Things you can do during the COVID-19 epidemic: Donate to help kids who depend on school lunches at http://ww...

Dear Webmaster, Please enjoy this episode of us speaking in runes about Lord of the Rings. After that, Alex gives us a much needed pick me up when he reads reviews mentioning bodega cats, who are as fuzzy as the ham they eat. So turn your ring lights on and try not to be put off to hobbits! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our You...

Things you can do during the COVID-19 epidemic: Donate to help kids who depend on school lunches at http://www.nokidhungry.org Avoid purchasing WIC items to save them for families who depend on WIC. Support your local Chinese businesses! Self-isolate! Vulnerable members of the community are depending on all of us to help stop the spread of the virus. And finally, be kind to yourself. If you are st...

If you've never listened to Beach Too Sandy, prepare yourself by imagining you're meeting a 6-foot tall teddy bear with titanium legs. We're reading all sorts of reviews that are related (very loosely) to Saint Patrick's Day! Christine even sings and you definitely don't want to miss it. So pop out your Enya tape and enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.  Buy ou...

If you're considering writing a review of our show while hospitalized, be sure to wait until the morphine has kicked in. Because you might not be happy with us after this episode, especially if you live in Australia. But at least we stay true to our name and read reviews about beaches being too sandy and water being too wet! We'd say that's pretty 5-star worthy but we're a little biased. Buy our m...

If you normally listen to our show in the presence of family, we'd recommend switching that up for this episode. And if for some reason you let your children listen to this explicit podcast, DEFINITELY keep them far away from this one. Ok now that the warning is out of the way, allow us to tickle your ears with our tiny hands as we explore awful reviews and the people who write them.  Buy our merc...

Sure, we're probably the last people on the planet who should be hosting a podcast episode about Disney, but we still had a blast reading terrible reviews of their 'cloyingly ahistorical' parks. We do our best not to overanalyze the people who go out of their way to write today's reviews, mainly because we ourselves don't seem to know the difference between a large candle and a Disney villain. So...

Welcome to Schiefer Family Therapy, where the very hot and extremely humble Alex and croissant-phobic Christine tackle their biggest issues. If you're a family member of ours, please know we are terribly sorry for what you are about to listen to. And we'd honestly rather if you just skip this one... As for the rest of you, sit your bare bottoms down and enjoy another exploration of awful reviews a...

You're joining us live from the travelator in Tesco, where a follower of Christ and her alien intern brother are reading terrible reviews. These two right little chatterboxes have a doozy of an episode for you, so please enjoy this while our meager existences fight against the inevitability that is entropy. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go sub...

The Valentine's Lorax has a warning for you: If you were hoping for our Ireland episode, don't listen to this one because you'll have to wait another week. Surprise! It's a Valentine's Day episode! We read reviews of all sorts of things to get you ready to stuff your face with conversation hearts and write your letter to Mr. Grindr. Enjoy! Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a m...

If you look in the mirror and say "RED RAW' three times while spinning, Bernie Schiefer will appear behind you or your money back. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel and watch our first ever live show in New York! www.youtube.com/c/beachtoosandywatertoowet Buy our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-...

We made it through our first live show ever!! And now you have the chance to experience our discomfort from the comfort of your home. We had an amazing time and we are so grateful to Anchor, Spotify, and all our beautiful listeners who made this possible. Until we can come to your city, just listen to this, close your eyes, and pretend you're there with us. As long as it's not while you're driving...

We're going international! We visit our neighbors to the north, Canada, to find out how they feel about their karaoke bars. Then, Christine shares reviews of escape rooms written by people who had no business being in an escape room. Secure your patio furniture and hold on to your headphones, because we're exploring awful reviews and the people who write them. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/...

Grab your plain sticks and your snotty coffee, because we're about to go on quite the journey. First, we read reviews of good old Dunkin' Donuts in the northeast, specifically in Concord, New Hampshire. Then, Alex completes the challenge of finding reviews where people used self defense tools on themselves. And it's just as ridiculous as you think! Tune in to find out where we're going next now th...