Ask the Unfaithful

"Was it actually an emotional affair?" "Was I really sharing too much with them?" "I didn't know I was crossing lines with them, how was I supposed to know....maybe you're just overreacting?" These statements and more continue to permeate session after session with therapists, infidelity coaches and even clergy members trying to help couples decide if the actions of an unfaithful was emotional inf...

If you're an unfaithful, have you ever considered that perhaps your affair was about seeking attention, affirmation and/or escape? Maybe you're a betrayed and you can see how your unfaithful was seeking out nonstop validation and affirmation, not to mention looking for escape from pain filled or pressure filled reality? Unfortunately, we unfaithful are masters of seeking out attention from everyon...

Have you ever considered the possibility that we, the unfaithful, massively deflect? If you're a betrayed partner, we're quite positive you've seen us utilize a smokescreen time and time again. You may have even laughed or rolled your eyes at the mere question. It's as though we launch smokescreens to deflect, diminish and even disrupt the conversation to alleviate any guilt or responsibility on o...

Did you know there are actual stages of change we as human beings go through before we arrive at true change? Did you also know there are stages we unfaithful partners go through both before, during and after our affair or problematic sexual behaviors? As both an unfaithful and a betrayed, it's imperative we have a knowledge of and understand these stages of change if either we or our partner are...

Any couple trying to heal from the devastation of infidelity or addiction will attest to the difficulty they have had trying to communicate with their partner. From misunderstanding, to defensiveness, to outright anger and rage, this journey of communicating is not for the faint of heart. It's enough pain to make a betrayed partner feel like they are absolutely alone in their wounding from the unf...

Have you ever wondered, as an unfaithful, "Why do I keep doing this?" "Why do I keep getting in my own way?" "Why is it that no matter what I do, I eventually just make decisions that sabotage my life?" If you've ever struggled with these thoughts and more just like it, you're in luck as today we dive deep into why we unfaithful self-sabotage. Maybe you're a betrayed and you've been left wondering...

Has your partner ever accused you of being in denial about your choices or the impact of your affair? Maybe your mate continues to communicate to you in a way that makes you feel they are in absolute denial about the impact of their choices or that they have hurt you at all? It can seem as though their use of denial is conscious and even weaponized as a form of coping with their choices internally...

Often times a betrayed partner will wonder if the unfaithful actually suffers any consequences due to their choice(s) to go outside the marriage. Betrayeds will ask us "Are the unfaithful, actually suffering at all? Do you think they've become aware of what they've done to me, to us, to our family?" Our answer is "We're not sure yet....it depends on the work they're doing and who they are doing it...

Have you ever heard of 'Parental Enmeshment?' Adult parental enmeshment is a psychological and relational condition where an adult has an excessively close and dependent relationship with their parent, to the extent that it interferes with their ability to develop a separate and autonomous identity. This 'enmeshment' involves blurred boundaries, where the parent's needs, emotions, and opinions hea...

Maybe you've said this before or had it said to you, but it's a common yet problematic statement for couples trying to heal from the devastation of infidelity or addiction: "I feel like I'm never heard OR that my feelings are always minimized or just plain invalidated." We unfaithful have this masterful ability to quite often minimize or completely invalidate our partner's feelings, leaving them f...

Have you ever felt like your partner or spouse was consistently defensive and/or overly reactive every time their actions were called into question? It can feel like having a normal conversation with them is impossible as every time their actions are brought up, their reactions are over the top and somehow they find a way to blame everyone else but themselves. It's maddening as one spouse said to...

Have you ever wondered why the unfaithful just isn't getting it? It's like they live in this bubble of self deception, seemingly impenetrable, almost as if it's self soothing mechanism. Eventually a betrayed partner will come to the necessary conclusion that many unfaithful have to be dishonest with themselves to justify their actions. Often times, it takes longer for the unfaithful to come to the...

In this week's episode James and Sam discuss 6 ways the unfaithful party continues to retraumatize the betrayed partner both knowingly and unknowingly. We'll also discuss how the unfaithful can become more aware of these mistakes as well as stop them and rework your recovery altogether. Contrary to what some days may feel like, It doesn't always have to be a one step forward, three steps back kind...

Despite being well into a couple's recovery journey, the Unfaithful can drain the Betrayed's energy in a myriad of ways - from asking the betrayed to affirm, encourage, buoy, support and, in many ways, be responsible for the unfaithful's recovery. This approach ends up draining the Betrayed of most if not all of their energy, resilience and overall life force. It's likely this 'draining' has been...

In this episode, Sam and I talk about Perfectionism as it applies in every day life as one of the top reasons for relapse. Where does it come from and why is it so common and dangerous in the life of a recovering Unfaithful? What can the Unfaithful do to change the negative power of this unattainable value that leaves us feeling like we aren't good enough at anything and drives us into anxiety, sh...

The Unfaithful can live in such a way that our life is an amends for the damage we've done. Every day, we can say things and do things that continue to trigger and hurt our Betrayed and those need to be handled immediately to reduce the hurt and pain they cause. This is done by making amends. And there is a process for that. While this video is not about how to make amends for the life changing tr...

"What are the red flags I should be looking for?" is a question James and I receive quite often. It's not only a common question but it's a necessary and understandable question. What are the biggest red flags in the unfaithful's early relational recovery? Today James and I will share some of the most pertinent red flags that both the unfaithful and the betrayed can be aware of. After all, the unf...

If there was a word that was both polarizing as well as unsettling for both sides of infidelity, it would be the word trust. How does one win back trust when they have shattered their wedding vows? Is it even possible to restore trust after infidelity or addiction? If so, what could it look like and is it even worth it? "It feels impossible Sam" is what I hear quite often from clients trying to he...

What does it mean to be Intimacy Avoidant? What even is intimacy avoidance and am I that? Or, is my partner that? If so, what do we do and how do we heal from it? Can we even heal from it? Today James and I tackle not only these questions but a whole host of questions that surround the idea of an unfaithful partner being intimacy avoidant. The good news is, even if you or your partner are intimacy...

If there was a question I've heard both partners ask time and time again out of desperation, it would be this such question. How do we manage our recovery? How do we know if we're doing enough? How do I know if I'm doing enough and what is actually true progress? Today you're not just in luck but you're in the presence of true expert insight as I pepper James Annear with questions about how we can...

Resentment in the life of an Unfaithful is not only toxic but can also be paralyzing. Trying to heal themselves as well as their relationship is hard enough without the roadblock of resentment and bitterness. In order for the Unfaithful to gain traction with both their betrayed spouse as well as their own healing, recovery work has to focus on identifying, uprooting and healing all forms of resent...

It's a normal question for the Betrayed as well as the Unfaithful: Is relapse a part of recovery? If so, why would that ever be necessary and why would the Betrayed ever have to live through that type of horror ever again? If the answer is no, well then, what are those who relapse supposed to think about themselves and their own recovery? What is the Betrayed supposed to then think about their par...

"Are you 'all in' in your recovery work Sam?" I'll never forget the day my therapist asked me that question so point blank while on his couch. It was a day that changed my outlook on repair work entirely. Until that moment, no one had asked me that question with such great authority and confidence. Now, (graciously I might add) let James and I ask you, the Unfaithful: Are you "all in" in your own...

Have you, as an Unfaithful, disparaged your spouse or partner to your affair partner?  Maybe you've shared intimate details about your marriage to your affair partner?  Perhaps you complained to your affair partner about your spouse? If you're an Unfaithful and trying to face the reality of this scenario, there is hope and there is a way you can help your betrayed spouse heal.  If you're a betraye...

Have you ever wondered why, if the Unfaithful was the partner who cheated, they are angry?  If you're a Betrayed Partner, it can be hurtful, painful, confusing, and downright maddening that the Unfaithful acted out sexually and/or emotionally outside of your coupleship, yet become angry when asked questions or are confronted or even mildly approached for an explanation about their behavior. Why wo...