Ask the Unfaithful

In this powerful episode of Ask The Unfaithful, we unpack five critical signs that the unfaithful partner has not yet reached authentic, pro-active remorse. Whether you're the one who broke trust and are unsure how to go about truly changing, or you've been betrayed and are searching for clarity, this episode is is packed with insight, compassion, and clear markers of where real healing begins. To...

In Episode 47 of Ask the Unfaithful, we continue the conversation from last week's powerful session on judgment—but this time, we're unpacking a major roadblock to healing after infidelity: criticism. Whether it's self-criticism, perceived criticism from your partner, or full-blown judgment, this cycle quietly poisons recovery. And unless you know how to name it, reality-check it, and interrupt it...

Judgment is one of the most hidden—but most powerful—forces keeping recovery stuck. In this episode, we take a deep dive into malignant self-judgment—the toxic inner dialogue that convinces unfaithful partners they are irredeemable, unworthy of love, and incapable of change. We explore how internalized shame, perceived judgment, and self-condemnation erode emotional safety, block empathy, and shut...

Fear is part of being human—but when you've betrayed someone you love, fear can become a wall between you and the emotional honesty your partner needs to heal. In this powerful episode, we explore how emotional inhibition, shame, and fear-based expectations keep unfaithful partners stuck—and what it takes to break through. You'll learn how to challenge fear, dissolve shame, and start showing up wi...

People pleasing can be described as the tendency to prioritize others' needs over your own, often driven by fear of rejection or a need for validation. In marriages or relationships, this can mean:   Constantly putting family, friends, or co-workers first. Leaving the primary partner, aka the betrayed partner, feeling like an afterthought. Post infidelity, people-pleasing is not only difficult but...

"Imagine building a fortress so strong that not even you can leave it." In our quest as unfaithful to protect ourselves from pain, rejection, or failure, we sometimes build walls so high that they don't just keep harm out—they keep life out, AND our betrayed partners. While self-protection is a natural and often necessary response to past hurt, excessive self-protection can quietly sabotage connec...

Why do we unfaithful take things so personally? It can feel like every ounce of feedback we receive is taken with an underlying belief that something is wrong with us, or you the betrayed are unhappy with us, or we consider ourselves worthless. Additionally, we unfaithful are masters at making every conversation about us, our feelings, our disagreeing with your concerns or our need for validation....

Toxic negativity refers to a mindset or behavior where a person consistently focuses on the negative aspects of situations, people, spouses or life in general, often dismissing or disregarding any positive experiences or perspectives. It manifests as constant complaining, pessimism, and an inability or refusal to see the good in anything, including ourselves. This type of negativity can also inclu...

In the daily grind of recovery work lies the realization that even the smallest of broken promises can be a trigger to the betrayed. We the unfaithful will constantly refute the betrayed's concerns with responses like 'are you kidding me? it was just the lawns....or the trash cans....or a small bill....or one therapy session or one homework assignment from James or Sam!" We just have such a hard t...

Today on the podcast, we discuss and define relational recovery while also addressing how to stay motivated as an unfaithful and how can you keep the momentum going for both the short term and long term. The fact is, it takes grit and perseverance to do relational recovery work. From moodiness to frustration, to confusion and despair, relational recovery is not for the faint of heart. You may be a...

Have you ever wondered why the unfaithful seem so hot and cold? One minute they're pursuing the betrayed, showing signs they are 'all in.' The next minute, they seem aloof and selfish, if not downright resistant and cantankerous that anyone would ask anything of them. It's as if they protest and complain about having to do any work at all, only to appear to possibly 'get it' the next day, week or...

How do you know if the unfaithful is using the betrayed for their own insecurities or affirmation, and what are the warning signs? Do unfaithful partners actually use their partners or spouses to feel good about themselves? Sadly, the answer is yes, sometimes we do. When we're unsafe and not committed to or working any specific plan or program, we're dangerous. As one clinician says, "we are human...

I wrote a journal entry yesterday with no real intent and it turned out to be about my journey to where I am now. A journey I'm still on, to be sure! It isn't my chapter-by-chapter story but it highlights what the journey itself has been about - what it has taught me and how it continues to change me in ways i never expected when I started - or even part way through. I want to share it with you be...

Why do we unfaithful seem so committed to avoiding hard conversations, especially those about our infidelity or addiction? Why does it feel to the betrayed, that we just can't seem to discuss anything emotionally difficult or anything that presents us in a negative, less than perfect light? The truth is, you betrayed are right, we do avoid hard conversations and are massively apprehensive to discu...

For the couple endeavoring to heal from infidelity or addiction, the holidays can be not only confusing, but disorienting and highly triggering. From reminders to intrusive thoughts, to confusion over what once was to questions about what was real or what was fake, it can be a gruesome time that couples learn to dread. However, with an expert driven plan and strategy, even couples new to the recov...

Is your spouse or partner emotionally immature?  What qualifies as emotional immaturity in the life of the unfaithful and isn't an affair a significant marker of emotional immaturity?  Today we'll share and break down the understanding that emotional immaturity is the tendency to express – or even bury emotions without restraint.  Emotional immaturity can also be excessive emotions for situations...

Have you ever gone through a 'therapeutic separation?'  Looking back, do you think you needed one after discovery?  Maybe you're contemplating one now for you and your spouse or partner?  The reality is, a therapeutic separation doesn't have to be just a mere prelude to a divorce.  If done right, it just may save your marriage, preserve your family and pave the way to healthier communication, rede...

Have you been feeling like your situation is not like anybody else's? Do you find yourself planning your own way of dealing with your behaviors and the effects of them on your partner? This video helps explain why that isn't the way - and why you need to surrender your ego to the process of healing and connecting to others and, in doing so, with yourself.   ------ Our Website: www. AskTheUnfaithfu...

In healing from infidelity, the unfaithful can often times be hostile and reactive early on in the healing process. So much so, we can fall prey to what we've identified as 'The Reaction Cycle of the Unfaithful.' From guilt and shame to anger and resentment to defensiveness and rage, we can resort to these emotions and more as we push our partners and spouses away, further wounding and even sabota...

As an Unfaithful, do you struggle to identify what you're feeling i the moment? When you react, what are reacting out of? What is the feeling and how do you regulate your feelings in a healthy way so that you are able to be responsive not reactive? This short video gives you some quick tips as to how to notice, recognize and regulate your feelings in the moment as well as be able to dig deeper int...

It's one of the most common questions asked by a betrayed partner: "How do I know if my unfaithful is really committed to the relationship? What should I be looking for?" Today we answer those questions and more. Today's podcast is not only filled with crucial examples of warning signs in the life of the unfaithful but it's also a litmus test for any unfaithful looking for a playbook on how their...

Previously on Ask the Unfaithful, we discussed four harmful and toxic communication styles of the unfaithful. If you haven't watched or listened to last week's podcast on those particularly wounding communication styles, we'd like to highly encourage you to listen to that podcast asap. Whether a precursor or follow up to today's session, we're confident you and your partner will be able to find no...

If we unfaithful are honest with ourselves, we'll have to admit that we can not only be harmful in our communication styles but also selfish, egotistical and irrational at times. From narcissistic tendencies to blame shifting and deflecting, to shaming and yelling, we just miss the mark time and time again. We often times think we're not being that harmful and we're just communicating but a deeper...

Anyone who has spent a significant amount of time in recovery work, whether unfaithful or betrayed, will tell you that recovery work is simply put, "not for the faint of heart." There's something unique about talking to someone who has 'been there' if you will and lived through either their own self-betrayal or the betrayal of their partner or spouse. While there are several keys to recovery work...

How emotionally intelligent are you? What about your partner or spouse, how emotionally intelligent are they? What even is emotional intelligence and why do we need it and how does it help us? Before we can assess either ourselves or our partner, we must have a reference point for what emotional intelligence is, what it looks like and even what it sounds like. A safe and usable definition is 'the...