Apocrypals

It's our 50th episode, Theophiloi, and that means it's time to get Apocalyptic! Join us as we embark on an extra-sized episode covering the fever dreams of Johnny Patmo. Witness the opening of the Seven Seals, hear the sounding of seven trumpets, and debate over we are currently pre-apocalyptic, apocalyptic, post-apocalyptic, or post-post-apocalyptic. It's not as depressing as it sounds! Listen an...

Brace yourselves, Theophiloi, because this episode is a Triple-Epistle! (Tripistle?) Your humble Sons of Thunder are taking on not one, not two, but all three of the extremely short Johannine Epistles, in which we discover that a dude who once offered to burn down an entire city for Jesus, was actually way more chill than Mr. Paul. Quelle surprise. Plus: two solid minutes of us laughing at our own...

Spoiler warning, Theophiloi, but it turns out that the Book of Lamentations is, in fact, actually a straight up book just full of lamentations. Jeremiah is back and surprisingly less wordy, so join us as we try to goof our way through this very depressing book about God putting hard times on Jerusalem circa 586 BCE. Plus: the complete New Testament Rap! Topics of discussion: A very confrontational...

You're invited to the holiest eight nights of the Apocrypals calendar, dear Theophiloi! It's Approximate Week, aka our mutual birthday! if you're looking for a gift, we have a recommendation for you: how about a nice cold glass of Messiah Boy Bath Water? Join us as we celebrate with another buck wild Infancy Gospel, in which the Son of Man deals with naked women throwing rocks in cemeteries, an el...

Listen at your own risk, Theophiloi, for this is our most curséd episode yet! We lost our first recording, our second only made it six minutes in, and our third... Well, at this point we're just hoping it's not a real FDS (Final Destination Situation). Either way, we've got a good one in the Acts of John, the apocryphal adventures of an Apostle who resurrected his way through various horrible sex...

Hey Theophiloi, good news/bad news. About eight minutes into the recording, Chris's Good Microphone stopped working and so we did an hour of the show with Chris sounding like he was trapped in a hole. The good news is that we have a very good text this week: the Book of Ruth, Bible's greatest saga of wheat farming and sapphic subtext! Plus: We angle hard for that Fig Newton sponsorship. What's goo...

The boys are back in town, Theophiloi, and we've got some breaking news: it seems the Kingdom of Judah has broken its covenant with the Lord of Hosts and will be punished with sword, famine, and plague! Seems like pretty exciting stuff, until the 30th time you've been through it, which is pretty much Jeremiah in a nutshell. Join us as we finish out the longest book in the Bible (and hopefully our...

Well, Theophiloi, it's been a hot minute, but we're back once again with the first half of Jeremiah, which is both the longest book in Bible and also the most unnecessarily long. Here, we'll save you some time: "God's mad." There, you have now read Jeremiah. If you want a more in-depth discussion of how metal this book can get, though, listen in for shattering destruction, and fields just chock fu...

Hello, Theophiloi and Cheerful Givers! Looking for a nice way to relax, chill out, and maybe even fall asleep? Good news: we've got the book for you. Our old nemesis St. Paul is back with a second letter to the church at Corinth, and pal, it is a snooze... right up until he starts talking about Super-Apostles and how he was beaten with sticks. After that, it gets pretty wild, so do your best to st...

Happy Easter, Theophiloi! He is risen indeed! It's definitely still Easter, so we're back with the Questions of Bartholomew, and friends, let me tell you: he is not the only one with some questions. Join us as Jesus reveals mysteries that are so scary they will literally make you die just from seeing them. We hope hearing about them is a bit less lethal. Topics of Discussion: Hellstorm: Son of Sat...

Happy Holy Week, Theophiloi! If you're like your humble Son of Thunder and his friend the Author of All Lies, you have a keen interest in space. If that's the case, then you're going to love learning some new facts about the Sun and Moon as we dive into the second half of the Book of Enoch! Also, we really hope you like calendars, because there's about 20 pages of that in here too, but trust us: i...

Happy Apocryphersary, Theophiloi! To celebrate one year of the show, we're launching into one of our most requested texts: the apocalyptic, hallucinatory, and profoundly influential Book of Enoch. Written about 200 years or so after the beginning of time, this story follows a prophet who was so cool that God just took him up to heaven (or possibly the planet Krypton) so that they could hang out fo...

Break out the birthday cake, Theophiloi, because as of this show, we've officially been at this for one full year! We're celebrating by pushing the Guessatron 5000 to its limits with a Bible Trivia Quiz to see if we (ie Chris) have learned anything from our year of book study. Play along and try not to yell at your phone too loud when you know the answer and Chris doesn't. Topics of discussion: Th...

Get ready to put on your costume, give money to the poor, and get tore up from the floor up, Theophiloi, because it's Purim time! Join us for the story of Esther, a uniquely God-free entry into Bible about a beautiful queen outfoxing Haman (BOOOO!) to the point where he gets severely impaled. It's a good one. Topics of discussion: a Lent Madness update, St. Joseph's Day, some bitterness about an o...

Top o' the mornin' to ye, Theophiloi! In honor of his verdant feast day, we're taking a look at the life of Saint Patrick! Witness as he comes out of his cage and does just fine bringing Christianity to the pagan isle of Ireland. You will erhaps be shocked by the fact that there are zero (0) mentions of snakes or shamrocks, but we do have the return of all of our favorite Bible traditions: explosi...

Take heed, Theophiloi, because we have some intense and highly specific requirements for your upcoming tabernacle construction this week. That's right: we've wandered out of the narrative section of Exodus and into the part that's mostly about how much the Lord loves acacia wood, with a few extremely famous events strewn among it for good measure. Moses has an exceptionally long conversation at th...

Happy Valentine's Day, Theophiloi, and might I just say, you're looking good today. Hair like goats, teeth like sheep, just dripping with myrrh... yes, all your parts are in very sexy condition. What's that? Why yes, we have been taking a few tips from Bible's greatest romantic, King Solomon the Demon-Queller! He's here with his sensual mixtape and we're going through it track by track as we take...

Get your shoes on and don't you dare leaven that bread, Theophiloi, because it's time to dive into the Book of Exodus! In this episode, we cover the first 18 chapters, including Moses's surprisingly violent origin story, 7+3 plagues, and Pharaoh's many, many ill-advised decisions. Plus, the ultimate #passoverhack: tacos. Topics of discussion: Candlemas, LentMadness.org, Mary of Bethany v. Martha o...

Just so you know, Theophiloi, both of us have definitely read the Book of Exodus, as planned. Definitely. Especially me. Remember Pharaoh? And how about that Moses, huh? Anyway, this week, we're taking a break from scripture to answer your listener questions! Plus: the Renowned Jester of the Lord! Topics of discussion: What surprised us about Bible, what we're worried about covering, further readi...

Greetings, Theophiloi, from your ever-punctual Sons of Thunder! We're back this week to answer the question of whether we can talk for an hour about exactly four pages (and 47 verses) of Bible. It's the famous story of a guy who has to live inside a whale for three days and then gets dunked on by God because he's a real grumpy boy. Join us for Jonah, won't you? Topics of discussion: Excuses excuse...

We're back for 2019, and on the off chance that we didn't have enough of them already, get ready for a couple new Johns. Specifically, we're celebrating Epiphany with Of Hildesheim's 14th-century book on the Legend of the Three Kings, which also introduces us to Prester. How weird is this one? Well, Chris highlighted an entire page from top to bottom, so believe us, it's a rollercoaster. Plus: Li'...

Mary Christmas, Theophiloi! Normally at this time of year, you get a nice little reading from Luke about being sore afraid and wishing peace on Earth and goodwill to men. Unfortunately, we already covered that one, so we're bringing you the birth of Christ as you've never heard it before with the Infancy Gospel of James. We learn all about Mary's origin, in which she was Rapunzeled for thirteen ye...

So long Hanukkah and Hello Advent, Theophiloi! It's your humble Sons of Thunder on 2018's best podcast for news about Ahikar and St. Thecla's conflict with man-eating seals, and before we close out the Festival of Lights, we're going all in with 2 Maccabees. Things get buck wild as we hear about Judah Maccabee's exploits once again, now with roughly 1,000% more ghost warriors and magic swords. Ser...

Chag sameach, Theophiloi! It's Hanukkah times, so we're diving into One Maccabees to learn the story of the Festival of Lights, and also get 16 full chapters of Jews just beating the ever-loving sugar out of everyone in the Levant. Light that Hanukkiah, sharpen that sword, and get ready for the most action-packed piece of Bible, ever. Plus, our suggestions for adding Judith and Matzoh-rella sticks...

Good news, friends and neighbors: It's Christmas now! Put your shoes out and brew a pot of coffee because we're going through the lives of the most popular saint ever, Jolly Old St. Nicholas, aka Santa Claus. Oh, and also St. Lucy, whose life unfortunately had a not insignificant amount of eye-gouging. Plus: Find out which of us is the Paul of Santa and our unsurprising pick for the Worst Christma...