And I'm an Addict

What if the cravings were never a character flaw — just a misfiring survival signal? After three decades and twelve rehab attempts, a neuroscientist drew me a diagram that changed everything. This episode covers the real brain science of opioid addiction, why withdrawal feels like dying, what Sublocade did that nothing else could, and the village of people who refused to give up on me when I had g...

Fentanyl is 100 times more potent than morphine. Xylazine — tranq dope — rots flesh and defeats Narcan. Nitazenes are up to 40 times stronger than fentanyl and barely detectable on existing test strips. The street drug supply in 2025 is not the supply you think you know.    In this episode of The Loudness McEvil Symposium, host Jason MacLeod — a 30-year opioid addict, former fentanyl user, and now...

This isn't a story about corporate greed in the abstract. It's a documented, prosecuted, guilty-pleaded crime — committed by specific people with names, who knew exactly what they were doing. In part 2 of Loudness's opioid series, we get into OxyContin: how Purdue Pharma and the Sackler family built a machine to create as many opioid-dependent people as possible, as fast as possible. T...

Before OxyContin. Before the Sacklers. Before fentanyl hit the streets — humans were already hopelessly tangled up with the opium poppy. In this episode, Loudness traces opioids from their origins in 3400 BCE Mesopotamia — where the Sumerians called it "the joy plant" — through laudanum, morphine, soldier's disease, Bayer's heroin-for-children campaign, and the slow-release revolution that set the...

Two years ago, I used opioids for the last time. Before that: 30 years of heroin, cocaine, fentanyl, and meth. 12 years of homelessness. And a birthday cake made of Smarties that finally meant something. In Episode 2 of The Loudness McEvil Symposium, I compare Then vs. Now — sleeping in parking garages vs. having opinions about flooring, dumpster dining vs. six-dollar canned tomatoes, stealing car...

What if the real battle in addiction recovery isn't giving up the substance — it's giving up the self that needed it? In this episode, we go deep on the ego: what it actually is, how it fuels addiction, and why Step Six of the Twelve Steps may be the most quietly radical thing a person can be asked to do. We explore how our deepest character defects — pride, dishonesty, anger, people-pleas...

In My 22 Month Addiction recovery Journey, I’ve noticed lots of things I find it hard to understand. In this episode I stream of conscience my thoughts on one of the hardest. Alcohol is the only drug you have to explain quitting. In this episode, I’m not telling anyone what to drink, how to live, or what choices to make. I’m trying to understand something that’s confused me for a long time — why a...

Step Five in addiction recovery asks us to confront the uncomfortable truth about ourselves—out loud, to another person. It’s about revealing the raw, unpolished reality behind our addict stories, breaking the cycles of shame, secrecy, and self-deception that hold us back. In this episode, we explore why this step is a critical turning point on the recovery journey, offering insights into sober li...

Recovery is truly a group project, and this episode dives into the crucial role loved ones play in addiction support and relapse prevention. If you care about someone in recovery, prepare for some uncomfortable but honest truths. Jason explains why relapse doesn’t begin with drugs or alcohol but with isolation, control, and silence, and how well-meaning support can sometimes unintentionally feed a...

In this deeply personal episode, Jason invites listeners into his sobriety journey as he sits down with his partner, Wendy, for an honest and heartfelt conversation about connection, isolation, and the realities of addiction recovery. Together, they unpack why isolation can feel safer during early recovery and how genuine connection supports maintaining long-term sobriety. They delve into the razo...

Step 4 of the 12 Steps in addiction recovery challenges us to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. While it may sound straightforward, this process can feel emotionally taxing and overwhelming, like facing your past head-on. In this episode of The Loudness McEvil Symposium, we explore what Step 4 truly means for those battling addiction and seeking recovery. Discover how to...

In this brutally honest episode of The Loudness McEvil Symposium, Jason opens the lid on the “Secrets Box” — revealing the unspoken traumas, shame, and confusion that shaped a generation struggling with addiction and drugs. From the fluorescent nightmare of 1980s small-town adolescence to the harsh realities of a detox ward, this story is about survival, addiction recovery, and the high cost of si...

Explore the realities of early addiction recovery and the challenges that come with leaving behind a life of opioid addiction and homelessness. In this episode, Wendy and Jason share their deeply personal journeys through sobriety, with Jason now 20 months sober after 30 years battling opioid addiction and homelessness, and Wendy celebrating 8 years alcohol-free. They discuss the true meaning of e...

This episode delves deep into the complex world of addiction and recovery through the lens of Wendy McCallum — a former corporate lawyer, life coach, and friend who has experienced love and loss intertwined with addiction firsthand. Explore the emotional and challenging reality of loving addicts, the heartbreak, and the hope embedded in the recovery journey. Whether you're navigating the strug...

AA STEP 3: The Art of Letting Go (Without Losing Your Mind) The thing that kept you alive might be killing you. Let's talk about it. This episode breaks down Step 3—where the program asks you to surrender control and trust something bigger than yourself. Sounds terrifying, right? It was for me too. I'm sharing why I fought this step like hell, what "Higher Power" actually means (...

Most people think recovery is about getting your life back. For me, it felt like a breakup — a funeral for the person who kept me alive when nothing else could. After 19 months clean, I’m learning that sobriety isn’t just about staying away from drugs — it’s about mourning the version of yourself that didn’t make it. The one who hustled, charmed, survived. The one who wore the armor that kept you...

Step 2: Came to Believe That a Power Greater Than Ourselves Could Restore Us to Sanity Step 2 is where recovery gets spiritual—or at least tries to. We explore what it means to believe that something bigger than yourself can help restore you to sanity, and why that's both terrifying and necessary when you're crawling out of addiction. This episode tackles finding a higher power that works...

The Pocket Change Paradox Do you give money to homeless people—or don’t you? And does it even matter? In this brutally honest, darkly funny episode of  Comfortable Lies We Tell Ourselves , I tear into the messy street-theater we all play when someone asks for spare change. From guilt trips and “enabling” debates to the harsh reality of withdrawal, crime, and systemic neglect, this isn’t a feel-goo...

The Loudness McEvil Symposium: Step 1 - The Beautiful Catastrophe of Admitting Defeat Raw. Unfiltered. Real as a heart attack. Thirty-year addict turned truth-teller breaks down the first and most brutal step of recovery: admitting you're powerless and your life is completely fucked. No sugar-coating, no feel-good bullshit—just street-level honesty about what it really means to surrender. From...

Money won’t Save Them. And It Won’t Kill Them. Your street-smart host delivers brutal truths about addiction, family dynamics, and the toxic myth that your wallet controls someone else's recovery. This episode dismantles the "tough love" industrial complex and explains why withholding money isn't the same as setting boundaries - and why neither will save your addicted loved one....

Jason’s opinions on how to best support addicts trying to get into treatment, who are in treatment and who have completed treatment (aka the rest of your lives). There is only one rule: Protect Yourself Should you give them money? What you should and shouldn’t talk about. Is it okay to cut them off? Will they relapse and if so, what should you do? Loudness McEvil tackles all of these questions and...

Addiction Recovery can make the world feel like an Alien planet and we’re the visitor. Our shame and skewed view of ourselves and the common predjudices in society are stacked against us! But if people are willing to see the homeless, the addicted, the mentally ill and all vulnerable people as just that, people, we can start to change to world into the inclusive global community it can and should...

This is an introduction to the 12 steps. A brief overview of my thoughts on the program and the ways society at large would benefit from taking a look.

The long awaited follow up to the Reasons! Jason continues to discuss how trauma shaped his life and the ways it is different for everyone. He also talks about the things he wishes people had noticed in his behaviors when he first started using substances and how to approach a loved one of yours who might be suffering.

In Episode 3, Jason travels back in time, exploring trauma, addiction, and the moment life splinters.  How he views past traumas and manages them in recovery may be enlightening for those helping others through, or still stuck themselves,  in the time when they stopped living. 🎧  Listen to the Latest Episode 🎙️  Subscribe on Spotify ❤️  Support the Mission