Absolutely Not

Heather sits down with Harvey Guillen to talk about the struggles of working in the industry and their hilarious Bone, Marry, Bury picks.   Make sure to check Bone, Marry, Bury anywhere you can find podcasts.   Head to Squarespace.com/ABSONOT for a free trial when you’re ready to launch, use the offer code ABSONOT to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.   Don’t sleep on savings...

Heather is back in the studio and joined by the Georgia Law Lady herself, Ashley McMahan. And as usual when these two get together, hilarity ensues.   Right now Ritual is offering my listeners 10% off your first three months. Visit ritual.com/ABSOLUTELY and turn healthy habits into a Ritual.    Foria is offering a special deal for our listeners. Get 20% off your first order by visiting www.foriawe...

Heather is joined by fellow comedian Ali Kolbert to talk all things comedy, and the real tea about being a woman in the industry. Prepare for many laughs ahead!  Check out The Ali Kolbert Show anywhere you get your podcasts to hear more from Ali.    Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to Modern Fertility.com/absolutely .   Go to catalinacrunch.com/ABS...

Heather is back in the studio in LA and more unhinged than ever! Today we are discussing the role Heather was meant to play, why people who wear glasses are really just liars, and reminiscing on stories from the tour. Buckle your seatbelts folks and dont forget - your'e lying to yourself if you dont think you need therapy.   Go to Brooklinen.com and use promo code absolutelynot for $20 off, with a...

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast- Heather is back in California drinking Wine with the Kardashians. Fresh off a 3 show run in Dallas- She breaks down the funniest shit that happened in the Lone Star state and explains why every nail salon owner wears slippery Nikes. Did you also know Texas dip their chips in butter?    You can grow thicker, healthier hair AND support our show by going...

On this episode of the Absolutely Not podcast Heather raises some mild suspicions that an older generation of first class passengers have it in for her. She can't tell if they are trying to intimidate her back to coach or if she is really in the wrong. Fresh off a wonderful weekend touring she's hitting the hotline with all of your issues!    G to Squarespace.com/absonot for a free trial and when...

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather interviews her dear friend Jorge Collazo, about his years in the hotel biz and what it's like to date on a tiny island. Ever wondered what Grindr in the Caribbean has to offer? Don't you worry- Jorge has done the work for you! There's lots of giggles and some endearing reminders to put your feet in the sand and not take life so seriously!    R...

On this episode of the absolutely not podcast Heather is back from a tryst with Santa and hopped up on supplements & a hope and a prayer. Everyone is panicked about the dumpster fire of the beginning of this year- but here we are holding on for dear life, full of acid reflux and optimism, damnitt!    Go to Squarespace.com/ABSONOT for a free trial and when you’re ready to launch, use the offer...

On this final episode of the Absolutely Not podcast of 2021- Heather ends the year strong- on an emotional rollercoaster of barely holding her shit together. It's obvious all of the listeners are fully spiraling as well - like the High School Musical says "were all in this together". Whether you're fighting omicron or just fighting with your family, Heather takes to the Absolutely NOT line to set...

It's the end of the year and Heather is filled with all the warm fuzzies! Tune in for her year in review - she's talking gratitude and getting real about coping with the pressure of the industry. Plus, were chatting poultry, UHauls and parental dating on the Absolutely Not Line!    Win the gift game this season with Rothy’s shoes and accessories. Get $20 off your first purchase at rothys.com/ABSOL...

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather is answering all of your questions on the Absolutely Not line and noticing a common theme- That white trash scammer named Trish. Turns out she is bugging everyone  this year with her antics while she smokes menthols outside of the Buick enclave. She's a scammer, a lover and loves raw meat. You'll understand when you take a listen...    Head ove...

In this special bonus episode, Robin joins Heather to discuss her goals for 2022 and why she should be running a youth detention center. On the voicemails we are talking bad wedding guests, kissin' cousins and unfortunate tattoos. The holidays are upon us and the Absolutely Not's are more unhinged than ever!   Go to getcanopy.co to save $25 on your Canopy Humidifier purchase today when you opt int...

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is fresh from her tour of the Florida and Carolina coasts. It was a wild weekend of live, laugh, lovin. Heather remembers  growing up as an organic kid looking for their chemical fix. There are lots of trigger warnings in this episode from the sweaty kid in PE to a bitch not letting you drink red wine at her wedding. Buckle up and don't listen...

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, we're having a post-thanksgiving bitch fest because everyone has been forced into unwanted family-time and now we're all chain-smoking near the garage. IT'S A MESS. It's time to reboot bitches, and take some time for yourself-because if we don't, we won't make it out of the holiday's alive!    Get $10 off your first product order of $50 or more on ita...

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather interviews her favorite, Bad bitch, female chef, Soraya Khoury- owner of Hen Mother Cookhouse in ATL. Did you know that fixing your dry ass bullshit turkey is as simple as slathering that bitch with clarified butter? Chef Soraya has all the tips and tricks to make your holiday perfect while also fighting the patriarchy!    I’ve got you a speci...

Heather is fresh off of having her labia, ahem, I mean larynx investigated and things are rough. She is joined today by good friend and road dog Christina Tompkins to chat all things tour, positive heckling, farty cowboys, and the power of Google. After all the computer knows more than you ever will.      Match with a licensed therapist when you go to talkspace.com and get $100 off your first mont...

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather sits down with her mother, Judge Judy, to discuss her toddler-like behavior on the road this weekend. She showed up ready to party and inevitably steal the show. They discuss Robin's old blind-dates, a chocolate factory and how men never change, for example getting boners on the dance floor! So much family fun and more!   Get 20% off your firs...

On this week's episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast Heather is triggered by a woman named Margret who wouldn't let her have her hometown sportz moment in peace. Her husband doesnt know what a thermometer is and she was shaken like Italian dressing at the Braves game and is really raging on memories from the past.  She hits the hotline and clearly y'all were goin through some shit this weekend too...

Heather is fresh off her weekend in Ohio where she had a genital injury but things are turning around now that she is reunited with her BFF, Raymond Padilla. He’s a pillar of every community but also a full liability. They discuss “tying one on” and squirting through life.   Foria is offering our listeners 20% off your first order by visiting foriawellness.com/Absolutely or use code ABSOLUTELY at...

On this episode of the Absolutely Not podcast, Heather is fresh off an amazing weekend of touring and is jazzed with the spirit of the Lord, We rebuke any evil in the name of Jesus... and ALSO answer your horrific voicemails on the Absolutely Not line.   If you need a little support to help you through the end of the year, or want to start building towards a better upcoming year, Talkspace is here...

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather finally gets her mother to sit down and give her 10 minutes of time. Robin has an extensive pro's and cons list of dating must-haves, and good luck to anyone at all that can live up to her list of demands. Naturally the conversation is as ADHD as the kid named Terry in your first grade class, but here we are folks.    Go to Brooklinen.com and...

On this episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast, Heather is jolted back into her Suburban life with paying bills and dealing with Diva Red. Nothing more humbling than coming home to your mother screaming about parking prices. She's taking your calls on the Absolutely-Not-Line, and it seems like y'all are struggling to keep your shit together just like Heather. It's refreshing to know, that October i...

Heather is in the Mile High City, or as she now calls it The High City. We are talking mom weed, IBS, depressed flowers and Heather's rude awakening returning to the US after her Italian adventure.    Right now, Modern Fertility is offering our listeners $20 off the test when you go to ModernFertility.com/absolutely .   Get free shipping on all water and merch at liquiddeath.com/absolutely. Or gra...

On this Special bonus Episode of Absolutely Not, Heather is once again recording from Italy before heading to the Mile-High City (Denver) to continue her tour. Not all is as it seems in idyllic Repubblica Italiana as Heather copes with being bamboozled with overpriced laundry and glass sculptures. Jeff joins in to justify the need to photograph everything and his observations on Italy’s rich cultu...

On this episode of the Absolutely Not podcast, Heather is recording from her hotel in Venice,Italy. She has already spent too much money and is waiting for the hotel to kick her out once they realize she cannot actually afford this lifestyle. Jeff and Heather discuss the rose and thorn of their trip thus far and hopefully their marriage makes it to the next stop, Firenze.   This episode was brough...