A Thousand Tiny Steps

I often feel like I'm living a parallel life with the different faces I put on for different people. This week I especially felt that when I went to film a commercial for a hospital. I spent an amazing week in Utah telling my story about having Jack to a hospital that believed in me. Through it all, I talk about feeling like a chameleon in different groups.    Key Takeaways:  [1:04] Living a doubl...

The burden of hiding my grief to not make others uncomfortable is large. It is lonely in my grief with everyone wanting the "old Barb" back, but that won't happen. My grief has changed me and that causes people to drift away. In this episode, I explore the social aspects of grief and the toll it's taken on me.    Key Takeaways:  [2:17] Isolation in grief and carrying the burden  [3:20] Message fro...

I really made a breakthrough with understanding my self sabotaging behavior and healing the trauma versus the situation. In this episode, I dive into why I sabotage myself when organizing my life, how culture affects how trauma is seen, and the difference between happy and traumatic memories.    Key Takeaways:  [0:55] Struggling with scheduling my life  [3:27] Reacting trauma  [5:41] Seeing coinci...

Hindsight is a funny thing. Looking back on Facebook memories with Roy, my daughter's health leading up to her death, and all the other choices made leave me in a tailspin. In this episode, I look into the trauma I've experienced and how I reenacted it with the choices I made.   Key Takeaways:  [1:12] Trauma never goes away and retracing my steps  [3:43] Looking back on Facebook memories with Roy ...

I never expected to start running track and field in high school with severe asthma. When I began running, I discovered I was great at it and went on to break records. Through the ups and downs, running helped me to solidify my identity, feel confident within myself, and set goals. In this episode, I tell the story of breaking the mile in under 5 minutes which took me on a lifelong trajectory of a...

CrossFit has helped me physically and mentally through my job loss and Molly's death. Times were tough: being on food stamps, my house almost being put up for auction, and getting divorced all rolled into one. Through it all I had exercise which allowed me to step out of my body and keep busy.    Key Takeaways:  [2:13] Traumatic events send me spiraling  [8:06] Running for school board  [11:35] Wo...

My job loss took a major hit to my confidence and it caused me to struggle to support my family through tough times. I struggled to stay present and practice mindfulness during these difficult times. In this episode, I explore what brought me to my job loss and my struggles with staying present within myself.    Key Takeaways:  [1:58] Neurological connection between mother and child  [5:19] Becomi...

I have been reading so many wonderful books to learn more abuse, relationships, and illness within the body. These books have allowed me to examine my own actions and shame that comes with being abused. In this episode, I explore my actions that lead to this point, give an update on my life, and look at what's ahead for this season.    Key Takeaways:  [3:00] What's next for season 3 [8:32] The boo...

Throughout my research on grief and trauma I have learned so much about the connection between the mind and body and how grief affects them, while discussing my own experiences of EMDR therapy and having my brain tumors taken out. In this episode, I explore how grief affected me before and after Molly died.   Key Takeaways:  [3:22] A review of the episodes of season 2  [9:09] How grief affected my...

Although I have gone through tremendous grief, I have a large support system to help me through it. From online support groups to connecting with other mothers in grief and reconnecting with high school friends, my social network has cast far and wide. Sharing these deep conversations with others has helped me create meaningful connections and process my grief.    Key Takeaways:  [2:01] The guilt...

As a result of trauma, boundaries have been a lifelong struggle for me. From my friendship with Robin, my friendship with Steph, and my job loss at Bow boundary crossing has followed me. I explore these 3 events in my life and how trauma has affected them. In this episode, not only do I share my journey with trauma, but also what I have begun to learn about my behavior.   Key Takeaways:  [1:15] My...

My daughters have been dancing in the Christmas Show even since they were little. When Molly died traditions in my household changed and I began to see things differently. From starting to raffle off a basket full of things Molly loved, to fundraising for an arts scholarship in her name. In this episode, I explore the Christmas Show and everything it represents, alongside my trauma and learning to...

Hanging on to the physical things our loved ones leave behind in grief is an odd subject. For a long time I couldn't get rid of, or move anything of Molly's. When I finally started to get rid of or donate items, it was a difficult journey. In this episode, I explore the power of items, the impact they have on us as people, and learning to let go.   Key Takeaways:  [3:41] The importance of things ...

Molly loved the holidays, and learning to live without her for them has been crushing. Over the past 5 years I've tried to distract myself and my family by going to Disney for Christmas, or helping others. The feeling of losing holidays as they used to be, while finding new ways to celebrate has been a tumultuous journey. Throughout it all, I've learned how important it is to just sit with others...

In 2016, I felt paralyzed by grief. In between it all I found an attorney, helped my daughter through her grief, and talked to others in my grief groups. When 2017 rolled around, I started working again while juggling a million things on my plate. It was a difficult time, but the one thing I learned is that when people are grieving, just being a shoulder to lean on is one of the best things you ca...

Planning Molly's funeral and memorial was a difficult task while I kept my head above water. It was a whirlwind of 2 quick weeks where I made tough emotional decisions on what her funeral and musical would be like. Through it all, I had amazing community support through fundraising and over a thousand people showing up to her memorial.    Key Takeaways:  [4:39] Coming home from the hospital and co...

In this episode, I look back on the few months leading up to Molly's death and in particular, her last week alive. The few months leading up to Molly's death were frustrating, and I worried as her condition worsened. Come along with me as I look back on all the little steps that brought me here, and the amazing community support I had along the way.    Key Takeaways:  [2:50] Molly's first doctor a...

My daughters Gracie and Molly have an inseparable bond. As they've grown up throughout the years, they've had great times with dance and theatre, as well as struggles with friends and school. At the same time, I had my own struggles with my marriage and job loss. In this episode, I look back on my daughters growing up, and the crushing tragedy that was Molly's last week.   Key Takeaways:  [3:11] G...

Long before I lost Molly, I lost my first baby, Gordy from a heart defect and his loss followed me. I didn't plan on having kids, but Gordy was the first in a chain reaction of interesting events, and through time has shown me each of my children have played an important role in my life. In this episode, I discuss the trauma of losing my first child and how that affected my outlook when I had my o...

The trauma, grief, and guilt that comes with child loss is immense. My day to day life changed after my daughter Molly died, but with the help of online grief groups I've been able to work on my trauma. Not only has my life changed, but my daughter's life was turned upside down and it has been an uphill battle to return to "normal" life.    Key Takeaways:  [6:14] The bond between my daughters  [13...

When Jack was born it made me think of his future, the support system he has, and how I have to be mindful of my trauma when parenting. Child loss and grief have impacted how I parent and made me express my gratitude for others in my life on a daily basis. In this episode, I explore my awareness of these tumultuous emotions and trying to create healthy relationships through grief.   Key Takeaways:...

Times have changed from when I had my first child to now. My parenting style, social media use, and the changing culture about what makes a family has had profound effects on me. Stemming from the generational gaps in my household and the trauma I've endured, life is different. But underneath it all, I've seen the similarities between people, especially parents and not what makes us different, but...

When I had Jack, my phone would not stop ringing. From Good Morning America to The Today Show my story has been shared to thousands of people. I have had so many positive responses, but along with the positive came the stress and consequences of having my life publicized. This week, I'll go into the response of the media and my struggles with breastfeeding Jack, and the support I gained from other...

In this episode, I go more in depth about my emotional experience being pregnant and giving birth. From my friends and family's reaction to me having a baby and dealing with the difficulties of breastfeeding it was a wild ride.    Key Takeaways:  [2:50] The first round of IVF failing [5:45] Keeping my pregnancy under wraps  [7:26] People's reaction to me having a baby at 57 [10:55] Going to the gy...

Being an older mother had its challenges from doing two IVF transfers to dealing with preeclampsia. In this episode, I discuss my IVF experience, keeping my pregnancy a secret for months, and the journey of Jack's birth.    Key Takeaways:  [1:14] The importance of Jack's birth and cleaning my house  [5:01] Preparing for IVF [7:23] The first IVF transfer [11:12] Plethora of tests and COVID putting...