A Star to Steer Her By

Everyone's up to something this week, tho motivation is maybe a bit vague. First up: voyeuristic aliens are being really creepy and possessing the crew just so they can watch people die in "Observer Effect". After that, someone has come up with a needlessly elaborate ship to try and start a war between the Andorians and Tellarites in "Babel One". Also this week: special special humans, emotional v...

Step right up to the bout of the 22nd century as the final showdown between the forces of EVIL face the forces of...ah...Archer and Co in "Kir'Shara"! But don't leave just yet, as in our next round it's man vs their own past hubris in "Daedalus"! Also this week: the 90s S, Chris tries to pull a Jake, and Harry Kim! [timestamps: Kir'Shara: 01:14; Daedalus: 43:27; Ensign Kim: 1:13:23] [play that sax...

"Enterprise" woke up one day and realized they'd kinda made the Vulcans sort of a mess. So they've decided to semi retcon it so that it's just one dude in the High Command who's evil and everything else is more like we remember it. Mind melding is fine now, we promise! Also, look, it's T'Pau in a deeply unnecessary appearance! And Surak is here, but in brain ghost form! So join us for the first tw...

Since there's been some genetic engineering talk on "Enterprise" recently we decided to finally take a look at 1997's "Gattaca". It's the story of a near-futuristic (or alternate present?) dystopia with designer babies and a future determined entirely by one's genes. But Ethan Hawke wants to go to space, dangit, and he'll do whatever it takes, including some deeply upsetting stuff to his legs! Als...

"Enterprise" has left infurating war crimes behind and has gone back to the familiar comfort of dull and copying older "Trek". In parts two and three of a story that did NOT need to be a three-parter, the Augments go on a rampage and Soong realizes maybe he did, in fact, do a bad thing by unleashing them on the galaxy. Join us, won't you, for "Cold Station 12" and "The Augments". Also this week: t...

Well look at that, July 4th has fallen on our release day this year and it's always fun to take a break from "Enterprise"! So we're finally taking a look at 1996's action-disaster-blockbuster "Independence Day" (aka ID4)! Get those nostalgia goggles off and see if it still holds up when aliens blow up practical effect monuments and only sexy sexy Jeff Goldblum and still-mostly-the-Fresh Prince Wil...

Season four finally starts proper after last week's bizarre opener. First up, the crew goes "Home" and does a take on TNG's "Family" if it was a slog and had really bad lessons woven into it. After that: it's part one of what will be multiple three-parters in the final season of "Enterprise" as Brent Spiner guest stars as one of his own ancestors to take us to the "Borderland"! Also this week: fun...

When we last left our heroes there were aliens in WW2 because why not, right? Sure. Fine. So we're picking up that thread and it turns out to be a bunch of Temporal Cold War nonsense in "Storm Front", parts 1 and 2. On the plus side it's also the end of that idiot saga. Also this week: a questionable montage, Machine Gun Reed, and Commander Chakotay! [timestamps: Storm Front: 01:25; The Gentlest M...

Oh God quick finish it up now, now, NOW! It's "Zero Hour" on "Enterprise" as everything is just tied up in a...well, not a neat little bow. Kind of a last-minute convoluted bow? Also somehow everything and nothing happens all at the same time. Then it's topped off by maybe the dumbest cliffhanger ever? Also this week: too long a shorter season, lotta "Star Wars" in this "Star Trek", and wrapping a...

One day, the writers of "Enterprise" woke up and remembered they weren't writing Nationalistic Propaganda-fest "24" and actually wrote a couple episodes of "Star Trek," wherein people talk about their problems instead of constantly torturing, murdering, and stealing from innocents! Check out a VERY late course-correction as we approach the end of this clustercuss with "The Council" and "Countdown"...

We're racing to the finale but we have to have some filler on the way! In "The Forgotten" John is too busy talking to the Xindi to write a letter so he makes Trip do it. After that, endure a crappy rehash of "Children of Time" with "E²". Also this week: a narratively pointless blaze, a narrative device person, and Gul Dukat! [timestamps: Forgotten: 03:50; E²: 36:33; Dukat: 1:15:10] [It's not a sta...

John is only just starting to notice maybe he's up to no good after murdering people in cold blood and then committing piracy. He's still not positive, though. First up, in "Azati Prime" he decides diplomacy is for jerks. Then, in "Damage" he makes a bad choice and we find out T'Pol has secretly also made one but it's only getting mentioned now, just like...HER! Also this week: Marvin the Martian,...

Bust out the fisheye lens, because it's time to get nuts! First up: it's another rehash of a better episode as Phlox slowly goes mad as he runs the ship while almost everyone else naps in "Doctor's Orders". After that, goo to the face in "Hatchery" turns John into the craziest thing the show can possibly imagine: a responsible Starfleet captain! Also this week: Shyamalan'd, mutinie'd, Keiko'd. [ti...

Look, we're running out of ways to say how bad this season is. First up: Archer comes up with a new form of psychological torture in "Stratagem". Then he decides with NO EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER that some dying guy is evil and makes him literally writhe in agony (which isn't okay even if he IS evil, JOHN!) in "Harbinger". Then we talk about someone with much better ethics: Elim Garak. Also this week: n...

For pity's sake, John keeps falling for obvious lies this week on "Enterprise". First up: religious extremists take over the ship way too easily in an attempt to end a moronic war for jerks in "Chosen Realm". After that, Shran is back to totally just altruistically help and NOTHING ELSE in "Proving Ground". Also this week: the dumbest ladder, SpongeBob, and Jake Sisko! [timestamps: Realm: 02:31; G...

We're taking a bit of an "Enterprise" break to discuss one of the foundations of modern cyberpunk and its legacy sequel: "Blade Runner" and "Blade Runner 2049". In a future where it almost never stops raining, artificial human slaves and their complex, ever-shifting relationship with their human creators/oppressors are the crux on which the world turns. But in neither version are there sufficient...

John wants his way and he's gonna get it, and to the devil with ethics and sensible choices! First up: Trip is in a coma and the Cap'n'll do anything, including listening to Phlox, to get his friend back in "Similitude". After that, why take a soldier into the past when you can drag your first officer along because reasons in "Carpenter Street". Also this week: bad Doctor, bad cop, good Nog. [Time...

We got time travel and cosplay time travel this week on "Enterprise"! First up, Archer has "Fifty First Dates" syndrome and has to be told daily that Earth done gone kablooey over a decade ago in "Twilight". After that, how did old west humans get onto an alien world in the Delphic Expanse? Find out in "North Star"! Also this week: symbolic stabbing, staggering hypocrisy, and Rom! [timestamps: Twi...

The Xindi arc continues this week, and the investigation gets stupid. First up: it's a little "Phantom of the Opera", a little "Beauty and the Beast" and maybe a big pile of tell don't show when Hoshi becomes unwilling roommates with a lonely telepath in "Exile". After that, Archer learns a lesson about the Xindi he'll almost definitely forget by next week in "The Shipment". Also this week: someon...

When you've got a stun setting, just follow Muldoon's advice and all your problems will be solved. First up: the Xindi come up with a needlessly convoluted plan to get information on human biology in "Rajiin". After that, "Trek" decides to do a pretty humdrum zombie story in "Impulse". Also this week: rewrites, running short, and Odo! [timestamps: Rajiin: 01:46; Impulse: 42:36; The Constable: 1:05...

"Enterprise" is going too fast! First up: Archer ditches his morals faster than you can say "enhanced interrogation" in "Anomaly". After that: maybe "Extinction" would've been more interesting if we didn't know what was happening so early on in it (probably not, tho). Also this week: moral cowardice, Chekov's peach, and Chief O'Brien! [timestamps: Anomaly: 01:24; Extinction: 26:21; The Chief: 55:1...

Well, it's here. The end of Season 2 and start of Season 3, where the producers decided "let's do 9/11". First up: the dumbest aliens ever decide to try the test version of their planet-killer ray on their ultimate target, thus giving Earth ample time to plan in "The Expanse". After that, "Enterprise" starts its bold new season with yet ANOTHER prison break episode in "The Xindi". Also this week:...

Everyone is so bad at everything they do this week! First up: we find out how Archer went from milquetoast to milquetoast but a Captain in the tension-free "First Flight"! After that: a dude that's way too nice to be a bounty hunter has the misfortune of capturing Archer and having to spend time with him in "Bounty"! Also this week: three-hander, the B plot we'd rather forget, and Julian Bashir, M...

Content warning: discussion of suicide. Archer just keeps biffing it this week. First up: he's too blinded by his new friends' toys to realize their society is absolute garbage in "Cogenitor". After that, "Enterprise" betrays the prequel format yet again by having Borg show up in "Regeneration". Also this week: confused messaging, timeline theories, and Dax (Daxes? Daxae? What in the world is the...

Even when they give him something to do, "Enterprise" wastes Mayweather. First up, it's a toothless rehash of "Fortunate Son" as Mayweather visits his family's cargo ship in "Horizon". After that: he gets to lead a rescue mission until he inevitably busts his leg in "The Breach." Also this week: a memorable opening, needs more bigotry, and Kira Nerys! [timestamps: Horizon: 01:20; Breach: 27:14; Th...