7lb Lobsters

  We may all be down but we're not out of the tank just yet, claw nation. This episode serves as a testament to our community's resilience during times that are as trying as they are stupid. Man, times sure are stupid, though. And now we don't even have Dick Cheney to kick around anymore! Say what you will about the dearly departed Dick, but you gotta admit: he's dead and we're not. The same goes...

Right now, the most fun thing about living in this country is that we have to do it every day, and that's something we wouldn't wish on our worst immigrants. Plus it turns out that all immigrants are our worst immigrants because we're fucking stupid. This is America, alright? We believe in God, A.I. generated images of Jesus being crucified (again!) by various non-white denizens of other countries...

Happy 2025, claw nation! At least, it would be, if we weren't about to endure another four to the rest of our lives' worth of years under the rule of a very dry, very old, and very emboldened President Donald Trump. We want to make it clear that we do not endorse the new old president or any of his actions, especially after his refusal to grant us entry into his big inauguration party (and after-p...

We committed so much voter fraud for Joe Biden in 2020 because he promised us he'd leave forever after he served as president for one term. That was the deal. He was only going to be president for one term. Then, in 2023, with his approval ratings lower than ever, he announced that he would in fact run for president for a second term, breaking his promise to the American people, and more important...

The boys are back after an emotionally taxing summer for both lobster nation and the regular nation. It is a well-known fact to all lobster-heads that we are notorious swing fraudsters who will willingly commit amazing amounts of voter fraud for whichever presidential candidate's party pays us more, and once again, Nancy P. and her good-time gang of evil Demon-Rats are coughing up more cash from t...

We take the tank down from a blistering boil to a soulful simmer as the Brothers Lobster contemplate the historical moment we're living through. You know, the one where we've all gone insane in a profoundly antisocial way and no one is coming to save us.    Unless, of course, we finally pull the trigger and implement the Biden Instrumentation Project.    Do you want to become one with Joe Biden? T...

In our first installment for 2024, we return to the tank to take a look at everything that's been plaguing our weak and stupid nation as of late: the pirate crisis at the border, the reduction of Rogue's once robust cake in the new X-Men series, the proliferation of A.I. across all of our beloved forms of media, the ruinous effect the internet has on the brains of boomers everywhere, and finally,...

Take a break from all of the nationwide record-breaking heatwaves and come cool off with the boys in the tank for a breakdown of this summer's biggest bombs, biggest Barbies, and biggest blockbuster budgets! ALSO: Can any one of the increasing amount of challenges we have to face be overcome or are we all just too tired? Find out right motherfucking now on this veritable futurelessness-arama of an...

This month's episode is all about basketball as we head into Game One of the NBA Finals. And you know what? It's another banger. Better butter up these lobsters because they're on a roll. 

The boys are back in the tank to settle the raging debate that's so thoroughly gripped our fragile nation: Is the new Super Mario Bros. movie woke – or not?    Surprises are in store as old questions get new answers, old answers raise new questions, and no new answer goes oldly unquestioned in our most important and topical and timely and urgent and contemporary and important and relevant and impo...

This episode is our Black Panther.

Welcome back, Claw Nation! We have finally returned from our first ever break in the show's eleven year history at the direct orders of the CDC! A new year is upon us, but a lot of things still feel the same. The Matrix is back, Sex and the City is back, and even COVID is back in a big and exciting way. But this is a time where children are having conversations with Siris, zoomers aren't going out...

It would appear that the scientific fact of planets revolving around the sun in elliptical orbits has finally come back to haunt us. That opening sentence will either make more or less sense when you listen to the episode. The big takeaway is we're all just going around in circles until we die, and frankly, it's starting to get to us. At the very least, we'll have some fantastic entertainment on o...

America is more of a developing nation than a developed nation at this point, but hey, at least we're getting out of Afghanistan and back into horse semen, or whatever it is the boomers are injecting into themselves instead of the COVID vaccine. And by the way, it would have been nice to have been compensated for injecting the COVID vaccine into ourselves for all of us who already did it, especial...

COVID is back on the rise, Congress can't agree on anything, and our beautiful billionaires are jetting off to space with beautiful boys. But let's not let any of those things distract us from why we're all here: the long-awaited Space Jam: A New Legacy just dropped in theaters (and on HBO Max, watch it now on HBO Max) this weekend. Of course, we all saw it in advance and we're gonna give you the...

[originally recorded December 17, 2014]   Great news, lobster freaks! We recently recovered an episode long believed to be deleted as part of a major data breach the tank suffered in December of 2014 at the hacking hands of the Guardians of the Galaxy. Or Guardians of Peace, whatever.  Our major data breach was not unlike the major data breach Sony also suffered around the same time, which ultimat...

  We want to send our kids to Iraq, not Pride.    Another hit episode brought to you by Raytheon, Northrop Grumman, Lockheed Martin, Nabisco, Nestle, Walmart, Target Corporation, Google, WarnerMedia, Halliburton, Disney, Amazon, Facebook, Anheuser-Busch, Restaurant Brands International, McDonald's, Hasbro, SEAL Team Six, Pepperidge Farm, Chik-fil-A, World Wrestling Entertainment Inc., Imperial Tob...

The tank is turning up this week to celebrate the twentieth anniversary of Shrek , one of the most beloved and important animated films of all time. We all share our own stories about how experiencing Quibi founder Jeffrey Katzenberg's uncompromising vision for the first time on May 18, 2001 changed us forever and made us believers, along with the rest of our generation and animated cinema itself....

[originally recorded March 14, 2016] Wow, do we ever have a special surprise in store for you this week, Claw Nation! That's right - we're finally legally allowed to release the infamous "Connor's Dead Girlfriend" episode from the tank! As any avid lobster listener will tell you, this slice of 7lb history aired only once before on March 14, 2016 as part of our annual  24 Hours of Lobsters livestre...

Nobody watches the Oscars anymore and rightly so. It is a strange ceremony that should not be taken seriously. Donald Trump understands this and that's why he's a blogger now. Still, he's fallen pretty far, and it would have been better for us not to mention him since the value of his name can taint the value of our brand. Our brand is worth almost as much as the Chadwick Boseman NFT given out to...

Stop whatever you're doing right now and watch the newly released trailer for Space Jam 2. Then listen to this emergency podcast. Or listen to this emergency podcast then watch the newly released trailer for Space Jam 2. This emergency podcast was recorded on the same day the newly released trailer for Space Jam 2 was released. Stop whatever you're doing right now.

Stop whatever you're doing right now and watch the newly released trailer for Space Jam 2. Then listen to this emergency podcast. Or listen to this emergency podcast then watch the newly released trailer for Space Jam 2. This emergency podcast was recorded on the same day the newly released trailer for Space Jam 2 was released. Stop whatever you're doing right now.

Mike and Connor go long explaining to Ray the long history of the DCEU and the long list of executive mismanagement misdemeanors that led to the long anticipated release of the long Zack Snyder cut of Justice League . It's big, it's bold, it's the rare triumph of an artist over the soulless corporate studio system, and it still sucks. But at least Zack Snyder and his legions of fans were vindicate...

Welcome back Claw Nation! Frozen lobster Connor has finally completed thawing from the recent Texas Winter Storm, and his first-hand experience with the latest natural disaster gives way to Ray's first-hand experience with conspiracy theories, none of which we believe, but have successfully used our podcast to spread like fake snow from Ted Cruz's weather machine. That's just good business. Much l...

No one can contain their excitement for the upcoming BIG FIGHT MOVIE due out on HBO Max and in Max COVID theaters this spring, and we're placin' our bets on who's gonna take it all. You no doubt already know to which movie we are referring, but we also take time to talk sports - specifically the big game - and all of us place admittedly safe bets on Tom Brady to grab the horse by the hose and full...