3am Thoughts

Pausing the story to have the conversation that doesn't happen enough. Will I bond with the baby? Will they bond with me? Would it be as it would've been with my own egg? What if I don't bond and Marco leaves me? Am I interchangeable? The questions that keep you up at 3am. The grief of losing your own eggs. The fear you never say out loud. And the science I didn't understand until...

The Questions, The Mistake, and Finding Our Match August 2021. POF diagnosis. Time to move forward with donor eggs. But first, I had to face the questions that haunt every woman making this decision. Then I discovered the mistake. Mount Etna erupting COVID drama at the airport. The donor offer In this episode: ❓ The endless questions about donor eggs and bonding 💔 "What if I don't bond w...

The Final Push Before the Diagnosis I'd finally found a doctor who looked at me as a whole and listened. My oestrogen was too high for me to be in menopause, he told me, and I was buzzing. Then came earthing sheets, immunology tests, more food restrictions, gratitude journals, affirmations, and doubled supplements. The relentless optimism and continually picking myself up. In this episode: 🍄...

When Hope Becomes Exhausting July 2020. We booked a UK fertility clinic. I had my first scan. The doctor told me I had a "beautifully healthy reproductive system." I nearly skipped out of the clinic. The never-ending cycle of hope and disappointment - rinse and repeat. October 1st: Sitting alone in a waiting room, in tears, while Marco waited outside in the car. Not allowed in. In this epi...

March 2020. The fertility consultant said "menopause" and refused treatment. COVID locked us down in Italy. I was dismissed everywhere I turned because I was over 40. And then I had to face the question that shatters every woman on this fertility journey: What am I willing to do to have a child? Donor eggs? Would I bond with them? Would they love me? Adoption? Should Marco find someone eas...

When Vindication Met Devastation December 2019. I'm planning our move to Sicily with military precision, Trello boards, spreadsheets, endless coordination. My hair's growing back, my business is thriving, and we're finally ready to seriously try for a baby. Then came the 30-hour drive with our cat, a sonogram that proved I'd been right all along, and a fertility consultant who refu...

Can acupuncture really support fertility after 40? I sat down with Houvi Alavi, my acupuncturist, to get honest answers about how this ancient therapy actually works for modern fertility challenges. In this conversation, we dive into: ✨ The science behind acupuncture and fertility ✨ What acupuncture can specifically address for women over 40 ✨ How it regulates hormones and manages stress during...

Vindication, Eggs, and What My Missing Period Really Meant After three months of religiously following the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, the moment finally arrived. My consultant ran the tests. Inflammation: completely gone. Iron levels: back to normal. And she actually said the words: "You don't have Crohn's." I was right all along. But she immediately diagnosed me with Ulcerative C...

Chapter 5: When I Was Right All Along Sunday, 16 June, 2019. I'm in A&E. My iron is 81. My inflammation is 97. My body is eating itself. The doctor asks, "What do you want us to do, Miss Tate?" All I can say is: "I just want someone to make me better." This is the chapter where I get admitted to hospital. Where they tell me I have characteristics of Crohn's. Where I rea...

When Being Over 40 Was "Diagnosis" Enough April 2019. I felt good travelling through the US - until I returned home and my period vanished. When I went to my doctor, his diagnosis was immediate: menopause. Just because I was over 40. Funny how they don't apply the same logic to pregnancy, isn't it? Then came the medical cascade that would land me in A&E with a doctor asking, &#...

When Everything Started to Unravel October 2018. I was fighting fit, buzzing with health, and ready to start trying for a baby. I'd optimised everything: fertility supplements, acupuncture, organic food, toxin-free products. My bowels were "regular as clockwork." Life was good. I was far too happy, far too soon. Then "mild" proctitis decided it was done being mild. My period va...

2017 was supposed to be the fun year. Marco and I were in full honeymoon mode - long weekends away, gigs, restaurants, living it up. My "mild" proctitis diagnosis was firmly in the rearview mirror. Then Marco said something that scared the crap out of me: "I want kids." Just like that. No sugarcoating. No gentle lead-in. And he said it TWICE in our first few months together. Sudden...

Panic in the Toilet | Chapter 1: How It All Started January 2017. I was living my best life - fresh out of a marriage, doing a Master's degree, producing theatre shows, and getting my first tattoo (which upset my Dad more than the divorce). Then two things happened that would change everything: I met Marco, and I had an "uh oh" moment in the bathroom. This is where my IBD and fertility...

Welcome to My Story: From Toilet Panic to 3AM Peace This is the raw, unfiltered truth about my journey to motherhood at 40+ with IBD, fertility struggles, premature ovarian failure, and ultimately, donor eggs. What you'll find here: ✨ Honest stories about the reality of IBD and fertility (yes, including farting) 🏥 What doctors don't tell you about fertility clinics vs. reproductive healt...