1 Minute Political Update

President-elect Donald Trump flip-flops on immigrants coming to America for work (that is, the ones coming to work for Elon Musk) while President Biden praises Jimmy Carter and says that Trump could learn something from the former peanut farmer (like dying).

Donald Trump plans to end the transgender lunacy in our schools by banning all sex change operations at recess while Rudy Guiliani is selling his own brand of coffee that’s good to the last drip (as in hair dye dripping down his face).

President-elect Donald Trump says he’s tired of paying exorbitant fees to Panama for use of their canal and plans to take it back (if he can find the receipt). He also expressed his desire to buy Greenland and remove the woke word “green” from its name.

President-elect Donald Trump is hoping for a government shutdown to take the heat off his horrifying cabinet picks while Fulton Country DA Fani Willis is taken off the Georgia election interference case against Trump for generating heat with the lead prosecutor.

Donald Trump is suing The Des Moines Register for a poll showing him losing to Kamala Harris in Iowa and for removing the Peanuts comic strip while the GOP wants to prosecute Liz Cheney and the J6 Committee for investigating Trump who sent a violent mob to the Capitol so he wouldn’t have to leave office and hang out with Melania.

Polio survivor Senator Mitch McConnell went after potential Health and Human Services head honcho Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., for wanting to ditch the polio vaccine (but McConnell will most likely vote to confirm him because he’ll be dead soon anyway) while ABC News settled a $15 million defamation lawsuit with Trump for calling him an accused rapist versus an accused sexual abuser (a classic case of...

After being named Person of the Year by Time Magazine (though some thought it was Mad Magazine) Donald Trump was invited to ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange where he dressed up like Robin Hood and bragged about stealing from the poor and giving to the rich.

Donald Trump reveals his plan to replace Obamacare with unlimited vouchers for CVS as well as his plan to end the war in Ukraine by introducing Presidents Putin and Zelensky to Howie Mandel who will ask them “Deal or No Deal?”

Donald Trump is intent on pardoning the January 6 rioters whom he claimed were put through a “very nasty system,” aka a trial with attorneys, a jury, and a judge. In addition, he wants to jail the members of the January 6 Committee who treated him “very unfairly” by having Republican members of his administration testify against him. 

Former Missouri Congressman Billy Long—whose claim to fame is being named best auctioneer in the Ozarks seven years in a row—is nominated for IRS Commissioner while Donald Trump is awarded FOX Nations’ Patriot of the Year, beating out Steve Bannon, Roger Stone, and the Capitol rioters.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau schooled Donald Trump on tariffs over a dinner at Mar-a-Lago and then Trump stuck him with the check while Susan Collins believes Pete Hegseth must have a full vetting process before he’s given the keys to the defense department and drives it off a cliff.

President-elect Donald Trump’s pick to run the FBI Kash Patel wants to go after those who helped Joe Biden rig presidential elections (except the last one, which Trump won) while Hunter Biden is pardoned for helping his father rig presidential elections (except for the last one, which Trump won).

Some of President-elect Donald Trump’s Cabinet picks are being threatened with violence, which is a sad state of affairs (and even sadder state of cabinet picks) while Rudy Giuliani tries to postpone his court date to settle what he owes two Georgia poll workers to attend the inauguration of the guy who put him in this pitiful position.

Director of National Intelligence nominee—and Russian propaganda parrot—Tulsi Gabbard gets a big fat “Nyet” from Nikki Haley while Senator Tammy Duckworth finds the selection of Pete Hegseth for Defense Secretary indefensible.

Oklahoma Superintendent of Schools brings Trump bible into classrooms, claiming it will save America from ruin, while Matt Gaetz withdraws as Trump’s AG pick, saving America from ruin (for now).

Dr. Mehmet Oz has been tapped to lead the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (expect those programs to be replaced with a bucket of leeches) while World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon has been chosen to head the Department of Education (expect schools to start teaching classes like Half Nelson 101).

By tapping two of the most unqualified Americans to be Secretary of Health and Human Services (Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.) and U.S. Attorney General (Matt Gaetz), Donald Trump turns MAGA into MAGATTA Make America Grind All Their Teeth Again).

Donald Trump takes another detour from reality by daydreaming about Al Capone sleeping on a MyPillow while Kamala Harris tells a crowd in Michigan that she will suffocate the Trump campaign with HerPillow on Election Day.

Kamala Harris appears on “Saturday Night Live” to appeal to young men who think woke is a joke while Donald Trump says “Saturday Night Live” is a joke that no one stays a-woke for anymore. 

Donald Trump is tickled burnt orange after receiving a good luck call from Hungarian prime minister Viktor Orban while Kamala Harris calls the United Auto Workers to tell them: “Baby, you can drive my car.”

Donald Trump sits for an interview with Tucker Carlson who eschews fact-checking for fawning while Kamala Harris intercepts Bret Favre’s Hail Mary praise of Trump.

Donald Trump seeks to make hate while the sun shines in Wisconsin by campaigning from a cheesy garbage truck and Kamala Harris opens her “I’m-not-Joe-Biden” routine in Las Vegas.

Donald Trump boasts that his Madison Square Garden rally drew more people than live in New York City while Kamala Harris’s speech on the Ellipse was eclipsed by a Biden boo-boo.

Donald Trump spent a good part of his rally at Madison Square Garden dissing the island country of Puerto Rico while Kamala Harris was in Texas, talking about helping the middle class, keeping abortion legal, and deporting Trump to Puerto Rico.

After former chief of staff John Kelly revealed that Donald Trump said Adolf Hitler was A-OK in his book, Kamala Harris laced up her shiny jackboots and prepared to kick some fascistic butt.