1 Minute Political Update

Donald Trump lays down the gender law by stating there are only males and females then adds that if anyone doesn’t like it, they’re free to move their mixed-up sexual butt to Transylvania. 

Donald Trump spoke to a joint session of Congress where he boasted about all his accomplishments, like changing the name of Denali back to Mount McKinley and keeping Americans safe from polluted air and drinking water by rolling back President Biden’s environmental regulations. 

Donald Trump met with Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky in the Oval Office on Friday to discuss an end to the war with Russia, which Trump said will happen as soon as Zelensky signs over a share of Ukraine’s mineral wealth—and he buys a freakin’ suit.

The U.S. joined Russia to vote against a UN General Assembly resolution condemning Russia’s war against Ukraine—then voted to retroactively condemn Poland for allowing Nazi German to invade it in 1939—while the Social Security Administration closed its Office of Civil Rights and Equal Opportunity, paving the way for more white people.

To document government efficiency, the Office of Personnel Management sent an email to federal employees asking them to list 5 things they accomplished last week with a warning that “Sticking a pin in an Elon Musk voodoo doll” wouldn’t count.

The U.S. Senate voted to confirm election denier Kash Patel as director of the FBI (Federal Bureau of Inquisitions) while Elon Musk pranced around the stage at CPAC wielding a chainsaw to tout his government cost-cutting measures (and his one-of-a-kind idiocy).

House Speaker Mike Johnson is touting Elon Musk who has saved Americans billions of dollars in wasteful spending (and endangered air traffic and food safety) while Donald Trump blames Ukraine for allowing Russia to invade it when they could have easily welcomed their neighbors in for a bowl of borscht and land that doesn’t belong to them.

JD Vance praises neo-Nazis in a speech in Munich, Germany (that did not go well) while Donald Trump asks Supreme Court to let him do anything he wants to anyone in the Executive Branch at any time for any reason whatsoever (that will not go well—for democracy.)

Donald Trump wants to close the Department of Education because it’s expensive and produces a nation of dunces (i.e., his base) while Attorney General Pam Bondi has dropped the corruption charges against NYC Mayor Eric Adams so he can be free to go after the real criminals (i.e., hard-working, tax-paying immigrants).

Donald Trump bans paper straws from the federal government to own the libs (lips?) while Steve Bannon pleads guilty to bilking New Yorkers who donated to Trump’s “We Build the Wall” campaign, using the proceeds to pay the charity’s president hundreds of thousands of dollars and buy himself a closet full of ratty jackets. 

Candidates for national security roles are being asked loyalty questions—answer “yes,” you’re in, answer “no,” you’re locked in a room with RFK, Jr. for 8 hours—while Donald Trump has taken over as Kennedy Center Chairman to bring in a “Golden Age of Art.” (Expect to see high class shows like Russian bears riding unicycles).

Elon Musk’s DOGE runs into a DOJ roadblock that will temporarily stop them from turning the federal government into “Nightmare on Elm Street” while Pam Bondi has been empowered to go after perpetrators of anti-Christian violence (unless, of course, it’s committed by recently released January 6 rioters).

President Trump has threatened to slap a 25% tariff on Canadian goods as well as change the Canadian national anthem to the Village People’s “YMCA” while Democrats decry defunding USAID, claiming worldwide disease would spread faster than Elon Musk’s lies on X.

President Trump says common sense tells him that diversity hiring at the FAA is the reason for the plane crash over the Potomac River while common vindictiveness is behind his plan to fire several FBI officials.

More than a dozen federal prosecutors who worked on the criminal cases against Donald Trump were fired for having the audacity to follow the law while the new White House press secretary impresses with her capacity for lying through her teeth.

President Trump fired 12 Inspectors General who identify fraud, waste and abuse in government agencies because fraud, waste and abuse is what he ran his campaign on. Meanwhile, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth killed diversity, equity, and inclusion in the military, earning him the coveted White House title of Employee of the Weak.

Donald Trump seeks to end birthright citizenship even though it’s in the Constitution, but a judge slaps it down (when she really should have slapped his face) while the bishop whose sermon he gave a bad rap to turns the other cheek (when she really should have rapped his knuckles with a ruler).

Donald Trump pardoned 1500 convicted January 6 criminals, making the law-and-order party look more like the Donner Party. He also announced plans to pull the U.S. out of the WHO, which is the World Health Organization. (Though Trump thought it had to do with the Dr. Seuss Book, “Horton Hears a Who, ” believing Who-ville is a sanctuary city.)

Donald Trump held a pre-inauguration rally in Washington, DC, where he talked about taking back America from the woke left, securing our borders from the woke immigrants, and ending four long years of decline courtesy of half-awake Sleepy Joe Biden.

This week, several of Donald Trump’s nominees for cabinet positions—from Pete Hegseth to Pam Bondi—made it abundantly clear that the only way to make it to the top is by kissing the bottom of the Convicted Felon-elect. 

Incoming senior Trump administration officials are seeking to find out if career civil servants are loyal to Trump or the Constitution (they can’t be loyal to both) while The Village People plan to entertain at several inauguration events dressed as everyone from a cowboy to a policeman to a deported illegal immigrant.

Donald Trump is fulfilling his campaign promise to lower food prices by annexing countries that have great deals on everything from eggs to bread. As for how Americans will get to these countries to save money on groceries, Trump will send every family a coupon booklet.

Donald Trump took crazy to new heights at a press conference at Mar-a-Lago yesterday, claiming that he’s going to change the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, the Canadian Rockies to the American Rockies, and Don Corleone to Donald Corleone.

Donald Trump met with Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni at Mar-a-Lago over a lunch of fried chicken wings (but only the right wings) while Congress meets to count the electoral votes (praying for a miracle that the November election was all a bad dream). 

Donald Trump blames President Biden’s border policies for everything from the truck attack in New Orleans to Jimmy Carter’s death.