1 Minute Political Update

Donald Trump told reporters he regretted the Washington Commanders changed their name from the Redskins (“No one loves Indians more than me”) while Attorney General Pam Bondi said a one-minute gap in the video of Jeffrey Epstein’s jail cell was due to Biden’s open border policy.

Elon Musk threatened to start a third political party if Donald Trump’s “Big Beautiful Bill” passed and now The America Party is off and running (most likely off a cliff) while six medical organizations are suing RFK, Jr and HHS for limiting access to vaccines, calling it unscientific, harmful, and just plain Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. 

Donald Trump will be celebrating the 249th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence by signing his Big, Beautiful Bill, which will surely make tens of millions of Americans yearn to be ruled by King George III. (Somewhere the Founding Fathers are projectile vomiting.)

Several House Republicans are upset with the Senate’s version of the budget bill because it’s more horrible than the horrible one they passed while Paramount will pay Donald Trump $16 million to settle his “60 Minutes” lawsuit alleging the news program deceptively edited a Kamala Harris interview, which isn’t true but that’s never stopped corporate American from caving to the Baby-in-Chief.

Donald Trump’s big, beautiful budget bill is wildly unpopular with Republican voters but that won’t stop the Senate from passing their version of it and, in the process, adding trillions to the deficit and booting millions of people off Medicaid. (And THEY’RE the party of the working class?)

The Supreme Court has voted to scale back nationwide injunctions that have blocked the Trump administration’s efforts to end birthright citizenship (the 14th Amendment be damned) while California Governor Gavin Newsom sues Fox News for saying Trump never called him before sending National Guard troops to LA (the truth be damned).

Donald Trump claimed the U.S.-Israeli strikes totally obliterated Iran's nuclear program, dismissing a Pentagon report to the contrary—facts, schmacts—while Republicans seek to pass a budget bill that will add trillions of dollars to the national debt that they’re only concerned about when Democrats are in charge.

Donald Trump gave the order to bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities, which Democrats say was unconstitutional—is anything he does constitutional to them?—while Iran is threatening to close the Strait of Hormuz, which doesn’t bother Trump who thinks it’s the Strait of Hormel, where canned chili comes from, instead of a critical oil checkpoint.

Donald Trump said he’ll decide about bombing Iran in the next two weeks—when his Magic 8 Ball comes back from the repair shop—but is ready right now to end a Biden-era ban on asbestos, the cancer-causing fiber whose largest exporter is…wait for it…Russia. 

The Senate Judiciary Committee is holding a hearing into former President Biden’s mental acuity to determine who was running the White House while Donald Trump calls Fed Chairman Jerome Powell a stupid person for not cutting interest rates. (What’s wrong with this picture?)

Donald Trump’s military parade featured more horses, tanks, and soldiers than spectators while his executive order to overhaul U.S. elections was blocked by a federal judge. (Apparently, removing Democrats from the ballot is NOT constitutional.)

California Senator Alex Padilla was forcibly removed from a Homeland Security press conference and then handcuffed for asking a question—“How much Botox does DHS Secretary Kristi Noem use?”—while a new study shows that more access to guns translates to more child deaths. (Go figure.)

Falsely claiming violent mobs are attacking federal agents, Donald Trump sent 700 marines to Los Angeles (making no one safe) while RFK, Jr. fired the entire CDC vaccine advisory committee, falsely claiming they had conflicts of interest (making no one safe).

California Governor Gavin Newsom is suing Donald Trump for deploying the National Guard to quell peaceful protests of ICE arrests of undocumented immigrants in Los Angeles, calling the move illegal, immoral, and unconstitutional (aka The Trump Trifecta).

Elon Musk and Donald Trump continue to fight like cats and dogs—and the winner will not be the American people—while German Chancellor Friedrich Merz was in the Oval Office for a discussion on trade, the war in Ukraine, and Trump Lederhosen.

Donald Trump rescinded a Biden-era policy requiring hospitals to provide emergency abortions to women whose health is in danger, calling it “Pro-Woke” (read: Pro-Death) while Pete Hegseth calls U.S. naval ships that honor gay and Black Americans “Pro-Weakness” (read: Pro-Hatred).

After an upset constituent told Joni Ernst people will die from the GOP’s plan to cut Medicaid spending, the Iowa Senator chucked and said, “We’re all going to die.” (Some constituents may be sending the same message to Ernst’s 2026 re-election campaign.)

The Trump administration is cutting grants to liberal cities like San Francisco because the city is too woke (and they’d rather it be too broke) while Texas wants to place the Ten Commandments in every public-school classroom, changing the state’s slogan from “Don’t Mess With Texas” to “Don’t Mess With White Christian Nationalism.” 

ox News co-host Jeanine Pirro was sworn in as interim U.S. attorney in Washington, DC and the government announced that COVID-19 vaccines are no longer necessary for healthy pregnant women and children. (Somewhere Rod Serling is wincing.) 

Donald Trump sent out a Memorial Day message on social media that had fallen soldiers spinning in their graves while his West Point commencement address had cadets wishing they had gone into the aluminum siding business.

Donald Trump hosted a swanky dinner for the top investors of his meme coin—none of whom were identified so no one knows if he was grifting as president or for himself—while Greenland gave access to its mineral mine shafts to a Danish-French group, shafting Trump in the process.

House Republicans are looking to slash nearly one trillion dollars from Medicaid and food stamps in their quest to screw poor people who voted for them while the DOJ contends providing federal oversight to police departments that violate the rights of African Americans is a violation of their rights to be racist.

After Walmart said prices may rise to compensate for high tariffs, Trump told them to eat the tariffs so poor Americans would be able to buy groceries (and not have to eat their cats and dogs) while Moody’s downgraded its U.S. credit rating because the debt was too bloated (and couldn’t be fixed by ingesting Gas-X).

Donald Trump is ecstatic that his face is on a banner hanging outside the Department of Agriculture building next to one of Abraham Lincoln (barf bags are available inside) while Republicans are outraged that former FBI director James Comey wants Trump assassinated. (Comey didn’t say that but when has the GOP been interested in facts?)

Donald Trump plans to lift economic sanctions on Syria in exchange for allowing him to set up thousands of Trump Falafel stands while Robert Kennedy, Jr. said taking his grandchildren swimming in a contaminated creek was safer than getting the measles vaccine.