1 Minute Political Update

The U.S. military carried out another strike against an alleged drug smuggling boat—piloted by Captain Ahab Rehab—while the case against White House Border Czar Tom Homan—caught on tape accepting a $50,000 bribe—was dismissed by the DOJ due to the video being shot by a liberal cameraman. 

Donald Trump designated antifa a terrorist group even though there’s no such organization with a leadership structure (sounds like the White House) while FCC Chairman Brendan Carr announces free speech is DOA.

Today, Donald Trump is visiting England where he’ll meet with Prime Minister Keir Starmer and King Charles whose crown he plans to steal (to make his American king routine official). During the visit, the BBC’s Channel 4 will be running an endless loop of Trump’s lies, which they’re calling Must-Gag TV.

Donald Trump denied he wrote a letter that appeared in Jeffrey Epstein’s birthday book, claiming it was not his signature (even DEAD handwriting experts can tell that it is) while the Supreme Court’s ruling that racial profiling is okay when it comes to finding undocumented immigrants proves they’re all in on MAGA (Make America Gringo Again).

A federal appeals court upheld the $83 million jury award against Donald Trump for defaming writer E. Jean Carroll—Trump plans to appeal it to the Politburo—while at the Museum of the Bible Trump expressed his belief in religious freedom and how he’s going to bring back prayer in schools as long as they used the Trump Bible.

The state of Florida is no longer mandating vaccines for children, claiming that what you put in your kid’s body is between your God (aka RFK, Jr.), while Donald Trump is renaming the Department of Defense the Department of War. (Apparently, the Department of Bombing Drug Boats Illegally didn’t have the same ring to it.)

Donald Trump met with reporters to address rumors circulating on social media that he had died (after he spoke for an hour, the jury was still out) while current and former HHS employees demand RFK, Jr. resign as secretary for endangering the health of all Americans (and if he won’t resign, they plan to attack him with a barrage of vaccines).

The FDA approved the latest round of Covid vaccines, but only for people at high risk of severe illness (and pardoned January 6 insurrectionists) while Donald Trump called on pharmaceutical companies to justify the success of their Covid drugs (and, if they are successful, to give him full credit for it).

Donald Trump fired Centers for Disease Control Director Susan Monarez for not following his agenda for Making America Healthy Again (“Paging Dr. Kevorkian!”) while he hired an election denier to oversee election integrity (“Paging George Orwell!”)

Donald Trump signed an executive order making the act of burning an American flag punishable by one year in prison (or one year caddying for him at Mar-a-Lago) while the guy who threw a Subway sandwich at a federal agent during a protest in Washington, D.C. was not indicted (though he is liable for the agent’s dry-cleaning costs). 

Texas passed a new congressional map that will add five seats to the U.S. House—and subtract democracy from millions—while Stephen Miller railed against “stupid white hippies” protesting the federal crackdown on crime in D.C., saying he wasn’t going to let “communists” destroy the city. (Clearly, he’s doing a fine job of that himself.)

Donald Trump wants to sign an executive order that will ban mail-in voting because gerrymandering is not enough to help the GOP win in 2026, and he wants museums like the Smithsonian to stop portraying U.S. history as negative (e.g., change “slavery was bad” to “slavery was job training”).

Donald Trump meets with President Zelensky to discuss ending the Ukraine war—“Do what Putin says, or Ukraine will be swimming with the fishes”—while he’s in violation of the Posse Comitatus Act, a federal law that restricts the use of U.S. Armed Forces for domestic law enforcement (and compensating for a tiny you-know-what).

Donald Trump’s nominee for Bureau of Labor Statistics chief, E.J. Antoni, is uniquely unqualified according to many conservatives and most fifth graders while Melania Trump may sue Hunter Biden for alleging Jeffrey Epstein introduced her to Donald, which her lawyers claim has caused her reputational harm. (Oh, please.)

Donald Trump sent the National Guard to Washington, DC for what he termed a “crime emergency” (even though crime is down) then announced he wants an Ultimate Fighting Championship cage match at the White House to celebrate America’s 250th birthday. (Now that’s a crime emergency!).

This is Joey Toledo with a one-minute Political Update brought to you by Ed’s Firehose Shower Heads. Water pressure low? See Ed. His shower heads blow the other guys away. Donald Trump bragged that his tariffs brought in over $29 billion last month to the U.S. Treasury. But where exactly is that money going? Apparently, most of it has been used to turn the Oval Office into the set for Goldfinger 2...

Donald Trump says violent crime in DC is intolerable and he plans to lock up the gang members who are attacking innocent citizens (little does he realize this crime spree is coming from the White House) while a former Jan. 6 defendant is hired by the DOJ, making our democracy DOA.

The transcripts from the Ghislain Maxwell interview with Deputy AG Todd Blanche may be released (not the full transcripts, just the cover page) while Agriculture Secretary Brooke Collins said able-bodied Americans on Medicaid and not working should apply for farm jobs formerly held by tax-paying undocumented immigrants (not on Medicaid).

Donald Trump fired the head of the Bureau of Labor Statistics because she rigged the low job numbers to make him look bad—cue the laugh track—then announced plans to add a 90,000-square-foot ballroom to the White House than can hold more guests than attended the Nuremberg rallies.

Donald Trump accused former President Barack Obama of attempting to rig the 2016 election in favor of Hillary Clinton—distraction, anyone?—during a meeting with Philippine President Ferdinand R. Marcos Jr. in the Oval Office where the two discussed tariffs and Trump’s love of manilla envelopes.

The GOP-controlled Congress cut $1.1 billion to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, claiming NPR and PBS are anti-America airwaves (Elmo is red and, of course, red is communist) while Donald Trump claims he’ll lower beef prices faster than he ended the war in Ukraine. 

Donald Trump is experiencing swelling in his legs chronic from a condition called venous insufficiency—he’s also suffering from human decency insufficiency—while U.S. Attorney Maurene Comey who prosecuted Jeffrey Epstein was fired without cause. (Actually, the cause was she refused to call the Epstein file cover-up a hoax.)

Donald Trump gave Russia a 50-day ultimatum to end its war with Ukraine (Spoiler alert: they’ve already ignored it) then went on social media and called his supporters weaklings for continuing to clamor for the release of the Jeffrey Epstein files which he claims is a Democrat scam (Spoiler alert: He’s an idiot).

MAGA world is furious that no Jeffrey Epstein files are being released, which Donald Trump promised to do (Trump reneged on a promise? Now THERE’S a shock) while fans booed Trump at a soccer match yesterday though he claimed they weren’t booing, they were cooing. (More to the point, that would be “coup-ing.”)

Donald Trump threatened Brazil with a 50% tariff because President Luiz Inácio Lula indicted former president Jair Bolsonaro who tried to overturn the election. (Trump says they’re “best amigos”). Meanwhile, the DOJ put John Brennan and James Comey under investigation for investigating the Russia-election interference case. (Trump says it’s not a witch hunt unlike the original investigation, which...