The Horror Virgin

"Psytopics is like R&B Dianetics." This week’s most unapologetically anti-fascist horror movie is... Freaky Tales. This film has everything: A Scott Pilgrim-style street brawl between punks and Nazis, a soft-spoken supervillain who can make a lisp sound menacing, and Sleepy Floyd, a samurai warrior who dunks on racists AND slices them in half. If you love magical realism, anarchist justice, an...

“You have the right to remain charming. Anything you say can and will be used to make me blush.” This week’s most romantically unhinged horror movie is... Heart Eyes. This film has everything: A vineyard that produces a very bloody red, A killer throuple, And a masked maniac who forces a DTR mid-murder. If you love rom-com tropes, blood-soaked meet-cutes, and horror villains who demand emotional c...

“Clyde is like child Hitler.” This week’s most unhinged horror movie is… Pet Sematary 2. This film has everything: A stepdad who swings between “respect your mother” and “shoot the family dog” energy, a cat lover who will go full Liam Neeson on anyone who touches her pet, and Anthony Edwards navigating a love scene that takes a hard left into beastial nightmare territory. If you love dead pets, un...

"It's like watching a commercial for the board game Mouse Trap." This week’s craziest horror movie is… Final Destination 3. This film has everything: a Rube Goldberg Grim Reaper, the strangest public transportation premonition to date, and the best porn name outside of porn ever... Full Stop. If you love improbable physics, theme parks with anatomically correct devil statues, and a franchise that...

"She got hit so hard with a volleyball, she got sent into the ghost realm." This week’s most unhinged horror movie is... Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2. This film has everything: A Pandora’s box hidden in a room full of capes, The most haunted art class ever, And a ghost kiss so terrible, it blows up her headstone. If you love chaotic prom energy, haunted horses, and movies that answer the question...

"You can't breathe through your butthole." This week’s scariest horror movie is... A Quiet Place Part II. This film has everything: A baby in a Moses basket with a scuba mask, Emily Blunt flooding yet another basement like it’s her post-apocalyptic hobby, And a pirate radio station broadcasting nothing but Bobby Darin. If you love soundproof babies, damp trauma, and end-of-the-world DJs with a fla...

"Tell me more about the time you used the dildo medicinally.” This week’s scariest movie is... Smile 2 . This movie has everything: A Flatliners-style shock therapy plan that says “trauma, but make it crispy,” proof that Voss Water that might actually be a sinister organization, And a setup for Smile 3  where a stadium full of cursed teenage girls starts the smilepocalypse. If you love movies...

"If your husband comes back from the woods with a virus, just pack a bag and go." This week’s slimiest horror movie is... Slither. This film has everything: a man so nice they infected him twice, A small-town countdown to deer season, and a "Backter" reveal that will blow your mind. If you love parasitic slugs, small-town chaos, and family values warped by alien hive minds, this episode’s for you!...

"If you want it to be less formal, you’re gonna have to take off the fucks-edo." This weeks scariest movie is... Night of the Comet. This movie has everything. A retail uprising led by Stockboy Willie, the patron saint of mall trauma, Survivors who were clearly chosen by Zordon for their teenage attitude and excellent hair, and a sexy comet that turns everyone into glittery Himalayan sea salt. If...

"What if we turn on the death machine that gives us boners?" This week’s horniest horror movie is... From Beyond . This film has everything: a scientist who accidentally builds a machine that unlocks the horny dimension, a sentient nut sack villain with a brain-dick, and Ken Foree fighting interdimensional monsters… in nothing but a Speedo. If you love cosmic horror, body horror, and movies t...

"Climb, girl, climb!" This weeks scariest movie is.... Night of the Demons. This movie has everything, A funeral home with a terrible backstory, a Spooky Strobe light Burlesque, and a hidden compartment you never saw coming. So grab your boombox, avoid mirrors, and for the love of God—CLIMB, GIRL, CLIMB! Help Support our HV Family:  www. Patreon.com/HorrorVirgin What did you think of this epi...

"I do declare, your smoked meats are superior." This weeks Scariest movie is.... Motel Hell. This movie has everything. A motel that may or may not double as a swingers' paradise. A meat-smoking entrepreneur whose meats get way too many sexual compliments. 50 Cent’s lost Halloween album, Rump Scare. A philosophical debate on whether vegans would eat people if they were planted like vegetables. It'...

"Never follow a billionaire to a second location unless they don’t know you’re following them." This week’s scariest movie is Blink Twice. This movie has everything: sinister billionaires, mind-wiping perfume, and Channing Tatum’s suspicious new teeth. If you’ve ever wondered, “Is this CEO trying to kill everyone… OR just me?” while staring longingly out a rainy window—this film is for you. We bre...

"I got dick'ed down so bad that I moved." This weeks scariest movie was... Vampire in Brooklyn.  This movie has everything: a toothy prince looking for his queen, an ancient supernatural bachelor patiently waiting for his best friend's kid to grow up so he can shoot his immortal shot, and a Scream connections you'll never see coming. Will Todd survive this bizarre Coming to America  meet...

"Arguably a better ending than Scream!" This film has everything: ghostface killers, a group of teens so clueless they make actual horror protagonists look like geniuses, and pop culture references so 2000s they should come with a dial-up modem. If you love slashers, satire, and comedy that hits way  harder than it should, this episode’s for you! Help Support our HV Family:  www. Patreon...

"Going Super Saiyan, for Jesus" This week’s hottest movie is... The Deliverance.  This film has everything: a struggling single mother, children befriending demonic music producers, and Glenn Close delivering lines that will haunt your dreams. You’ve got the demonization of the social safety net, possessions, and an exorcism featuring Holy gibberish. If you're into supernatural thrillers that...

“More like Orphan: 5th Kill.” This week’s hottest movie is... Orphan: First Kill. This film has everything: Isabelle Fuhrman in the “role of a lifetime”, a rich family with deeply questionable instincts, and Julia Stiles going absolutely feral. You’ve got identity theft, murder cover-ups that escalate at record speed, and a twist so insane it makes the original movie look like a PBS special. If yo...

"It's like the story of the Phoenix had a baby with Persephone" This week’s hottest movie is... Revenge  (2017). This film has everything: a luxury desert getaway, a fearless heroine, and revenge so brutal it it features a blood slip and slide. If you’re into neon-drenched vengeance, stomach-churning gore, and men learning the hard way not to underestimate a woman, this episode’s for you! Hel...

"TRAINS CAN ONLY GO ONE DIRECTION!!!" This week’s hottest movie is... Species. This film has everything: a genetically engineered alien-human hybrid, a crack team of scientists, mercenaries, as well as a man who has access to his feelings, and Natasha Henstridge as a seductive alien with a tounge she can't wait to shove through the back of your head. If you’re into sci-fi thrillers with body horro...

"M3GAN FOX!!!" This week’s hottest movie is... Subservience . This film has everything: a struggling father , an AI assistant who can't wait to ease his pain, and a movie that ignores everything that is interesting in the movie. If you’re into sci-fi thrillers that make you question if having sex with a lifelike Nanny-bot is cheating, this episode’s for you! Help Support our HV Family:  www....

"Sometimes movie sets be haunted, you guys" This week’s hottest movie is... The Exorcism  (2024). This film has everything: a washed-up actor, a daughter questioning if her father's demons are literal or figurative, and a reveal so disappointing we were legit sad when it happened. If you're into meta-horror that makes you question what's real, this episode's for you! Help Support our HV Famil...

"It's clear not enough of you have googled Porter Rockwell" This week’s hottest movie is... Heretic.  This film has everything: two Mormon missionaries, a sinister, and a house would make H. H. Holmes jealous. You’ve got theological debates that escalate faster than Todd can bring up he was raised the in LDS Church and Paige droping tons of cult knowledge. If you’re into faith-based thrillers...

"Sometimes it takes a good guy in a frock to stop a bad guy in a frock" This week’s hottest movie is... The First Omen . This film has everything: a young American nun sent to a Roman orphanage, sinister conspiracies lurking in the Vatican's shadows, and a quest to prevent the birth of the Antichrist. If you're into supernatural horror that intertwines faith and fear, this episode's for you! Help...

"Doctore is, possibly a god, or Iron Man" "This week’s hottest movie is... Jason X. This movie has everything: a frozen killer resurrected in space, a spaceship with worse security than a convenience store, and futuristic teenagers who still make terrible decisions (thank god). If you’re into slashers with a sci-fi twist and body counts higher than the spaceship's oxygen levels, this episode’s for...

"It's always the person you most suspect" This week’s hottest movie is... MaXXXine.  This movie has everything: neon-soaked 1980s chaos, VHS tapes with a body count, and Mia Goth delivering a performance so intense it could melt a Walkman. If you’re into slasher flicks with a synthwave soundtrack and enough twists to snap a Rubik’s Cube, this episode’s for you! Help Support our HV Family:&nbs...