Free Legal Advice

As I said last week, sometimes the titles just write themselves. In this case, I kinda phoned it in. But anyway, this week's episode is about wishes, and how they are practically guaranteed to go wrong (unless you're a certain brother who aced the challenge and should be granted his own genie as a result).

Listeners, sometimes an episode comes along with a title that completely writes itself. I didn't put even one millisecond of thought into it. What else would it be? Nothing. There's nothing else. Unless... "Boss FLAPP"? Does that work? No, don't mess with perfection.

Remember that week in high school when they'd make you dress up differently every day, and you'd have to pretend like you gave a shit about whatever it was that was going on? Well, that's the week it is here at the Free Legal Advice podcast, so start pretending you care.

Today we are starting three new small businesses, in this case restaurants, and putting them through their paces. They will trot slowly around the ring and display their precision abilities. They will be graded on style, grace, and poise, and of course, if one of them breaks a leg, they will be shot in the face.

Lots of things seem cool from a distance, and it turns out that many of them are best kept that way. Once you get your grubby mitts on them, they sometimes turn out to suck shit. These things are our focus this week.

If there's one takeaway from this week's episode, it's that sports needn't cease during the winter months. In fact, it's still possible to pursue sporting pleasures on all types of frozen water. Snow, ice, you name it. Just know that the sport will probably involve determining who can glide upon the frozen water the fastest.

Would you rather listen to a podcast about "would you rather" questions, or eat a big, runny pile of human shit? To me, it's no contest. But we don't currently have a runny pile of human shit on hand, so you might as well just listen to this episode.

The Battle of the Bands was fought on the morning of July 12, 1862. As the Union drummers bombarded the enemy positions, a detachment of light guitarists moved up the side of Hendrix Hill and broke through the right flank. The Confederate keyboardists met this charge with an earsplitting synth melody, leading to heavy casualties as the guitarists were scattered. In the end, the winner was neither...

It turns out human being have never actually accomplished anything. It's all been done by ancient aliens. I mean, could human beings really have built a wall that long? Could they really have put up those 5G cell towers? Could they really have committed genocide on the Armenians? Only aliens, and specifically the ancient ones, could have done any of those things.

Sometimes, they train you too well. Listeners, when it comes to saving various industries via the medium of podcasts, THEY TRAINED US TOO WELL. Too well. Now we've got to scale some things back to even it all out.

Robots have taken over. Unfortunately, it's a done deal. Prepare yourselves mentally and physically to please our new metallic masters. Don't bother greasing up the ol' shitter, though. They like a challenge.

Matt found something. Something terrible. Something unspeakable. At least, I thought it was. He spoke about it for half an hour, and it was excruciating. Now you must suffer with us.

The term "man cave" is not... good. Don't say it. But we don't have another term for it, so it might have to be used a few times this episode, in which we discuss the properties of this type of area.

Fake moon landing? JFK assassination? Illuminati? Chocolate Earth theory? We've all heard these conspiracy theories before, and obviously every single one of them is true. What the people need is a fresh crop of brand new conspiracy theories, and that's exactly what we're delivering in this episode. Or maybe that's just what they WANT you to think? Man, how deep does this go?

We examined what passed as news from 100 years ago, so it's only natural that we'd do the same, but updated for the modern era: The 1970s. Finally, I'll know if my vote for McGovern paid off...

We take the organization of the modern sports world for granted nowadays, but there once was a time when people really didn't know how these things should be done. Their ignorance is our entertainment.

This entire podcast series has actually been a Choose Your Own Adventure. To take the left path in the maze, go to episode 71. To drink the green potion, go to episode 212. And to jump into a black pit and die, go to episode 1.

Truth, or D.A.R.E.? Get it? Because the D.A.R.E. program spread a lot of misinformation? See? So it's, like, the opposite of truth? This is the kind of cutting, incisive humor you've come to expect from the Free Legal Advice Podcast, and we've got it in spades in this week's episode. Also, don't do spades, kids. Just one hit'll kill you.

What is it about music festivals that are so profitable? I mean, fun? The crowds? The terrible acoustics? The overpriced crap? The mud and the porta-potties? Each one of these things plays an essential part in it, I think. At any rate, we'll have all of those in spades once we get our festival up and running.

We know what qualifies as news today: Wars, politics, sports and celebrity gossip. Did you ever wonder what qualified as news a hundred years ago? Spoiler alert: Wars, politics, sports and regular gossip.

The brainiacs out in Hollyweird have decided to make a Super Mario Bros. movie. No, this isn't 1993. Here's a lesson to learn: People don't learn lessons. Not that you'll learn it, but you can't say I didn't try.

Okay, sorry we're late, we got held up in traffic. A truck jackknifed on the highway, shut the whole darn thing down. So, the World Cup is still happening right? Right? Because that's pretty much all we have this week...

Hey folks, before Christmas comes we wanted to make sure you were prepared with the absolute best advice for the holiday season. Once you listen to this episode, you'll have everything you need to really take on Christmas this year. And now I'll just take a biiiiiiiiiiig sip of water right before I check to see what today's date is, and...

Everyone loved the TV show ALF, right? And anything even remotely successful gets copied and ripped off until the dead horse just can't be beaten any more, right? It may make you wonder why ALF didn't spawn a whole gaggle of sitcoms starring wisecracking puppets. Well, here's why.

When industries are being threatened, what do you do? Do you say that times change, and all things must pass, and a mature adult can accept the waxing and waning of forces around them that they can't control? If so, that's loser talk. Here on the Free Legal Advice Podcast, we say NO to change. We take industries that are justifiably dying, hook them up to any machines we can find and keep them tec...