PsycHacks

Many self-help gurus extol the benefits of living in the present moment. However, simply living in the here and now will not solve your issues – at least, not immediately. Tuning into the present is like finally cleaning out the dirty garage you've been avoiding for years: it will be an unpleasant and effortful chore. Appreciating the problem of now helps us make sense of why so few people take ad...

Like kamikaze pilots, most men living today have been brainwashed by their culture into believing that their lives derive value when they are sacrificed in the service of women. While women are instructed in their own inherent worth, men are taught that their value is created in the act of their own self-destruction. Both literally and figuratively, men are expected to die when others deem it nece...

Many folks have asked me to give an example of a successful marriage from popular culture as a kind of model for relationship best practices. After considering the matter, I'm prepared to offer one: Gomez and Morticia Addams. These two exemplify the principle of custom-tailoring the relationship to the specific needs of the individuals involved. They also love to play with each other, which keeps...

If alpha males are supposed to be the most competent and successful men, then why do find so many beta males at the top of status hierarchies these days? How has strong male leadership become so rare? In this episode, I propose that the rise of the beta is merely a step in an uncompleted process in which women come into power. Using an example from the TV show “Survivor,” I explain why men today a...

Whether in the boardroom or the bedroom, many negotiations are compromised when a man doesn't know when to shut up. Once the other party has made a decision, there is literally nothing more you can say to talk them into it – and a lot you can say to talk them out of it. Inexperienced men with low self-confidence are the worst culprits here. It's important to learn how to take the money. Join my co...

The question as to what women want has long plagued men as an unsolved (or unsolvable) riddle. However, the answer to the question is deceptively simple: women want what other women want. Through a kind of flocking instinct, women constantly observe other women in order to deduce where the fattest part of any behavioral curve is currently located, as this is where the greatest safety resides. So b...

In today's day and age, it seems as though every woman has a narcissistic ex – which is surprising given the fact that folks with NPD are estimated to comprise 2% of the population. Given the fact that any relationship in which women give more than they receive could be considered exploitative – and that the adored always receive more than they give – any relationship in which women were the adore...

The appreciation gap is the difference between the amount of recognition and acknowledgment people feel due from their partners and the amount of recognition and acknowledgment people actually receive from their partners. Negative appreciation gaps are directly responsible for the dissolution of millions of relationships every year. In this episode, I discuss simple strategies to prevent the forma...

While women are functionally omnipresent, there are really only four ways to meet women in today's day and age. These are the four pathways – dating apps, cold approach, social circle, and social media – and there are pros and cons to each. In general, the fastest and easiest pathways are characterized by the lowest rates of success, while the slowest and most difficult pathways are graced with be...

If it is better for most relationships for the man to control the frame, why do women hold more power in the vast majority of relationships? While the abnegation of frame occurs at the onset of some relationships as a sexual strategy, in most cases power is slowly ceded over time through a series of small concessions. This starts to occur once a certain fear takes hold of the man, which is an emot...

I've occasionally been asked to offer a psychological explanation for why certain powerful or charismatic personalities have apparently been able to seduce the hearts and minds of young men. I contend that this phenomenon has a lot to do with the disappearance of male space and the need for belongingness that these communities satisfy. Who speaks for men? If it is considered inappropriate to suppo...

The past fifty years have amassed a good deal of evidence in support of attachment theory. Unfortunately, this has led to the overapplication of these ideas in the popular imagination, including the notions that attachment style is permanent or must be accommodated in relationship. In point of fact, attachment can change. Understanding how it changes is the key to overcoming relational insecurity....

Just like certain plants won't grow in certain soils, happiness will not survive in a mind full of judgment and negativity. While people are free to think whatever they want, they are not free to feel however they want as a consequence of what they choose to think. This is why not everyone can be happy. Understand that your thoughts create your reality and you're already on your way to cultivating...

Of the course of my career, I've conducted many consultations with men who have resigned themselves to toxic or abusive marriages. Though miserable, these men believe that staying for the kids will prevent even more negative outcomes for everyone involved. In today's episode, I will be responding to the arguments of these men. Ultimately, they must decide what they hope their children will do if t...

Men are growing increasingly isolated. Without regular contact with friends, men's mental health deteriorates, contributing -- in some cases -- to the significantly higher rates of addiction and self-harm in this population. Men need friends, and it's up to men to solve the loneliness problem by overcoming the obstacles that exacerbate it. Join my community: https://the-captains-quarters.mn.co Buy...

Is it merely a coincidence that women's success in the West has coincided with the widespread use of tactics designed to demotivate men? Using an anecdote from my own life -- the Easter egg hunt -- I discuss the PSA (pity, shame, anger) strategy to alter male behavior in the service of female achievement. This is how women get men to lose. Unfortunately, the use of this strategy is ultimately coun...

When it comes to relationships, it's very difficult to secure the relationship terms you would prefer with the person you would prefer to have a relationship with. The more people place the person ahead of the terms -- or the more desirable the person with whom they are attempting to transact -- the more likely they will need to cede their relationship preferences. This is often the cost of doing...

After consulting with thousands of men, I've discovered that many of them are complicit in creating the relationship dysfunction of which they complain. By rewarding bad behavior, men unintentionally reinforce their own suffering in a process I call "creating a monster." This is how men ruin their marriages. Alternatively, men would be better off giving in as quickly as possible or holding the lin...

Like it or not, tests are a necessary aspect of life. Rather than considering them burdens or annoyances, it is helpful to understand that tests are opportunities. Consider the way of Hercules: his 12 labors revealed his potential and signaled his excellence, both to others and to himself. And since tests are generally a sign of interest, it is useful to reframe them as a chance to demonstrate you...

Women often tell me that the reason they aren't interested in securing a long-term relationship in their 20s is because they consider the development of their careers to be a necessary hedge against being left in the lurch further down the road. However, this is actually not a hedge: it is the primary bet. When women hedge they leverage a relationship against the downside of their work -- not the...

There are many popular misconceptions about mental illness. It is not very encouraging, but certain issues might not ever go away completely -- even with treatment. However, by treating these conditions like chronic diseases, it's possible for people to live happy, normal lives -- provided they appropriately adapt to the reality of their situation. In today's episode, I discuss the truth about men...

It is difficult for men -- even very successful men -- to maintain relationships with women. This is not only because everything they have provided no longer matters, but because they eventually run out of things to provide, as well. This is the law of marginal utility applied to relationships, and it explains why you cannot buy a relationship long-term. At a certain point, your money's no good he...

Many women believe that a man will not respect them -- or consider them for a long-term relationship -- if she is too "easy" in the courtship process. This is not true. When it comes to their relationships, men don't want a challenge. This is because -- when it comes to the average man -- his life is hard enough. While men might need a chase, they are not looking for a woman to complicate their li...

It's come to my attention that -- when it comes to relationships -- many women are not very good at sealing the deal. This is because women don't close. Like bad salesmen, they tend to lead with what they want, which is unlikely to end with a sale. For better or worse, what you want doesn't matter. Rather, it's a good idea to lead with what the other person wants and frame what you want as a means...

Is it possible to attain wisdom without having to learn the hard way? In today's episode, I discuss how people learn by walking the two paths: the path of light and the path of pain. Most people learn most of their lessons on the path of pain, which is a kind of feedback that the models from which our behavior proceeds are not aligned with reality. Fortunately, we can all learn to walk on the path...