PsycHacks

There is evidence to suggest that men need respect in a sexual relationship more than they need love. However, many women legitimately don't know how to respect a man. In today's episode, I will lay bare the core of respect, the essential element without which no respect exists: obedience. By approaching the O word, women can learn how to have more peaceful and satisfying relationships with the me...

Since men and women gatekeep different aspects of a relationship – commitment and sex, respectively – the burden of effort over the course of a courtship falls on the one who is actively trying to be let in. It's not just women who perform emotional labor in dating. It take a lot of work for men to initiate the sexual relationship. However, there is an imbalance in getting vs. keeping: the cost of...

Most men are a woman's option – not her priority. And many are complicit in relegating themselves to this role. In today's episode, I discuss how over-pursuing and over-committing lead to suboptimal outcomes. If you want to get what you want, don't be her option. Giving too much, too soon is why you get left on read. Join my community: https://the-captains-quarters.mn.co Buy my book, "The Value of...

To get what you want in life, it is helpful to cultivate a “fuck you” attitude, that is: the capacity to go without the support or approval of others. However, it may be even more helpful to cultivate a “fuck me” attitude to achieve your dreams. This is the ability to consciously override the habits and preferences that block your effective action. This is how to accelerate your growth: go fuck my...

In this third installment on my series on male sexuality, I discuss another reason why men lose interest in sex: love. Like it or not, a good deal of male arousal is predicated on objectification. Once a man begins to care for the person inside the body, the sexual act is increasingly divested of its aggressive element, which can vitiate the experience. This is the Madonna/Whore Complex, and it af...

Despite appearances to the contrary, there are many men today who believe in magic. That is, they believe that marrying a woman will solve the problems that exist in their relationship. In this case, marriage isn't the answer. It's important to understand that any problems that exist in the courtship stage – unburdened, as it is, from any real responsibility – will only worsen in the context of ma...

In my second episode on the subject, I discuss another variable antagonistic to male sexuality: habituation. For better or worse, men – or males, more generally – are biologically programmed to spread their seed. This strategy is supported by the Coolidge Effect, which is a psychological phenomenon that makes novel sexual opportunities appear more attractive to men. The allure of the new is a powe...

Tea, a popular new app that purports to “make dating safer for women,” has (deservedly) received a lot of backlash in recent weeks. In this episode, I argue that Tea – and apps like it – have the potential to sever a dating market that is already only hanging on by a thread. Rather than dissuading bad actors, these apps are more likely to terrify good ones. When the risk-reward profile of dating w...

Just like there are many different ways to structure a company, there are many different ways to structure a romantic relationship. Today I discuss two of the most common such structures: pet and partner. One is not necessarily better than the other, and there are pros and cons to each. It's important to consider your needs closely, because you can't have it both ways. By matching the revealed pow...

Oscar Wilde once wrote: “Everything is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” In this second installment of a two-part series, I discuss the truth of this statement's second claim. Sexual selection is one the most reliable methods of determining men's relative power rankings. Furthermore, most sexual fantasies typically revolve around the use (and abuse) of power, which would be strange if se...

I've never understood the use of the term “incel” – or “involuntarily celibate” – as an insult. After all, if a man wants to have sex with a woman who doesn't, then – at least, in the context of this relationship – either the man is going to be involuntarily celibate or the woman is going to be involuntarily sexual. And while we do not need to celebrate those who obey the dicta of civil society an...

Oscar Wilde once wrote: “Everything is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” In this first installment of a two-part series, I discuss the truth of this statement's first claim. Especially when it comes to men, I contend that almost everything really is about sex. The sublimation of the sexual impulse into prosocial ends is what makes it possible for men to do the difficult, dangerous, and u...

Male sexuality is often misunderstood. In this first in a series of episodes on the topic, I discuss one of the reasons why men lose interest in sex: familiarity. When people live in family-like conditions for many years, they develop a sexual indifference (or aversion) to each other in order to prevent inbreeding. This is known as the Westermarck Effect, and it can help explain why closeness kill...

When it comes to relationships, women don't actually compete with other women for men's attention. Ultimately, her only competition is his solitude: the degree to which he enjoys his own company. Some men are so self-loathing that they will endure even disrespect or abuse, if the relationship succeeds in taking them away from themselves. This is why men end up in bad relationships. On the other ha...

In this much requested episode, I discuss some of the evidence-supported differences in male cheating and female cheating. Among other things, these behaviors tend to differ with respect to relationship satisfaction, motivation, and dimensionality. By examining what makes them different, we can consider some of the divergent ends to which men and women form – and maintain – their relationships. Jo...

I've spoken with a number of fathers who have become estranged from their children as a consequence of the family court system and their exes' manipulative behavior. Dealing with parental alienation is a painful experience with few actionable solutions. In this episode, I share a technique that men can enact to combat this situation: the evidence box. This should help estranged fathers maintain a...

My recent Soft White Underbelly talk on what women want received a fair bit of criticism. How could I – a man – possibly know what it feels like to be a woman? Shouldn't we let women speak for themselves? In this episode, I respond to the argument at face value and explain how it is that I know what women want. Though it might sound callous, their feelings don't matter. The most reliable means of...

The problem with dating today is that people want too much. “All I want...” is a prelude to an unsatisfiable laundry list of partner criteria. This keeps people single and prevents them from appreciating their relationships. I argue that this stance is either due to willful delusion about the sexual marketplace or a kind of perfectionism that masks relationship anxiety. Join my community: https://...

In considering the long-term relationships I've observed that have done the distance, I've noticed two commonalities. The folks who end up staying together either stop short or go long. Using an extended metaphor, I explain what this means for the sexual marketplace, and why many people meet with suboptimal outcomes. These two approaches seem to be the two paths to a relationship. Join my communit...

The sooner you realize that no one is coming to save you, the sooner you will get busy addressing the pain and dysfunction in your life. Take radical responsibility, starting with the assumption that everything that happens to you – for good or bad – is your fault. Since you hold the ability to respond to the conditions you find yourself in, then it must be true that you are the one you are waitin...

The general attitude toward unmarried men is that they are selfish, short-sighted, man-children who forgo real growth and fulfillment in favor of satisfying their own desires. As a consequence, the irresponsible man should submit to social institutions – like marriage – that correct their baser natures. In this episode, I offer my best counterargument to the case against unmarried men and expose t...

If you don't believe in yourself, it won't matter if everyone else in the world does. And if you do believe in yourself, it won't matter if everyone else in the world doesn't. In today's episode, I illustrate this principle using a particularly satisfying example from my own life. Along the way, I explain why women are mean to men who like them. If I did it, you can too. Join my community: https:/...

Following up on my recent interview with Sadia Khan on Soft White Underbelly, I justify my belief that modern women are more delusional than men when it comes to dating and relationships. I discuss the narratives and attitudes that have contributed to the expectation that ordinary women can – and should – hold out for extraordinary men. In understanding female entitlement, both sexes can better av...

If marriage transforms wild mustangs into plow horses, why do we find so many men in harness? The answer is that some men need marriage, and they need it in much the same way that some men need the Army. If men cannot construct internally extrapolated structures to serve as a framework for their lives, they will need to submit to externally imposed ones. However, just like the Army isn't the only...

Over the years, I've spoken with many men who were at a loss to explain how their marriages became unsatisfying cages. However, it we optimize for men's traditional marriage commitments – protection, provision, and sexual exclusivity – we arrive at the plow horse as the logical conclusion. The harnessing of male productivity to female ends is not a flaw, but a feature: the intended design of marri...