Free Legal Advice

The Toronto Maple Leafs' owner went to the penalty box, a.k.a., federal prison, and yet THEY were on the "power play", so to speak, without him. Hear this story and other NHL-related wackiness today on the Free Legal Advice Podcast as the competence of the entire nation of Canada is called into question.

Here's some advice for you: "Résumé" has the little accent mark on both of the 'e's. Not just one, but both of them. Not knowing this will get your résumé tossed on the "TO BE BURNED" pile, so be forewarned. Outside of that, just wing it. What could go wrong?

Cory has stolen my idea. Now, to be fair, I did basically tell him to in the description of the most recent Mount Rushmore episode. I should use this to my advantage. TO CORY: From now on, you are to come up with all of my episode topics, in addition to your own. Don't worry, it won't be very difficult. You can just steal the ideas from me.

We specialize in short, snappy, memorable phrases that ensure positive associations of your brand identity within the key demographic. That's why they call us Free Slogan Advice. Or was it Free Marketing Advice? Well, they sure as hell don't call us Free Naming Advice, so I think it's fine to punt on this one.

Over 200 episodes ago, we stole the Tournament of Nerds idea. Did I say stole? I mean created ourselves. Sorry, sometimes I confuse those two phrases. Anyway, we're bringing it back this week. If four years seems like a short time to wait for a rehash like this, consider that I sometimes don't even wait four weeks to rehash my own topics, none of which work as well as this one. Speaking of which,...

We bring back an oooold favorite this week, with the classic six-pack-o-pitches episode format that fans of all ages loved and adored. They loved and adored it, dammit. They may, and do, say otherwise, but don't listen to them. What the hell do they know? They're the ones who've been clamoring for its revival, according to me, so why wouldn't they love and adore it? Also according to me?

As the title says, this podcast promises to cure your scrofula, or your money back. Ha! Joke's on you! You didn't pay us any money in the first place! At all! We make absolutely nothing whatsoever doing this! I repeat, the joke is on you!

Ol' Grant's got another trick up his sleeve, whereby he disguises an old topic as a new topic, simply by putting a small spin on it. This particular gimmick, however, I think could actually be an entire podcast series by itself, so I'm sad that this will be the only time we do it. Unless one of my genius brothers steals this idea, puts a tiny twist on it, and uses it for a future episode. Hint hin...

Anyone who doesn't treat business like war will just end up getting killed. Killed in business, I mean. Although, really, probably killed in real life, too, by the greedy, bloodthirsty psychopaths who view all human endeavor as an opportunity to dominate their fellow man. #RiseAndGrindYourFaceIntoDust

Ever heard of the movie Fire and Ice? Probably not. We have plenty of silly observations about it that should satisfy you anyway. And it's probably more entertaining than actually watching the movie, anyway.

Every school child at some point learns that André Giant is the 8th Wonder of the World. But it's rare that teachers ever go over the other seven. This makes sense, considering how old and worn out those other seven are. That's why this week, we're figuring out seven wonders for the modern age. Also, Chyna is the 9th.

In an effort to give equal time to all viewpoints, we're continuing our series on medical quackery. Sure, this stuff has all been proven false beyond all doubt, and practicing anything you hear in this episode could only even charitably be described as insane, but we're going to let you do your OWN research, listeners.

You may not have known this about us, folks, but we're shark-jumpers. To a man. We've never met a shark we wouldn't jump. Now, to be fair, none of us have ever, even once, met a shark, so this has never actually come into play before. Actually, this is probably why you didn't know this about us. We're all learning things today, aren't we?

Children's television plays an important role in our society. Without it, how would parents detach themselves from responsibility? It is largely to the clowns that the credit for this necessary institution is given. It is the one and only reason we haven't launched them all into the sun.

It turns out there are countless more Mount Rushmores that we can create, and so we do. Why do they climb the mountain? Because it's there. Why do we dynamite the mountain? Because it's there. Also because of our surplus of high explosives.

Medical science hasn't always been, well, a science. For many centuries it was mostly just focused on finding different rocks to shove up people's buttholes, or figuring out new ways to expose witches. Nowadays we leave that stuff to the professionals at the chiropractic clinics.

We're making a cartoon based on Cory. It will be inspired by the Saturday morning cartoons he grew up with, which means it will NOT be a thinly-veiled 30-minute-long advertisement, it will just actually be a 30-minute-long advertisement. There was no veil, folks. The emperor had no clothes, because they were sold separately.

Has YOUR job of the future been invented yet? Actually, statistically, of course it has. What a ridiculous question. Where was I even going with this? Oh yeah, this episode is about jobs of the future.

...would sound as sweet. Precisely AS sweet, so even if you don't think it sounds sweet to begin with, I'm not asserting that its sweetness level would change at all. Also, this episode is about naming things.

Is "goldneck" a term for rich people, like how "redneck" is a term for the uncouth poor? Well, it is now. That's the joke I thought of for the title, and I'm not changing it. Anyway, in this episode, we identify all the key indicators of wealth. At least, from a child's perspective, that is.

We're burying this episode with a Christmas Day release because there's just too many possibilities and we weren't able to narrow it down at all. How could we? The subject, of course, is a TV show about Grant, and let me tell you, there are too many different choices, every single one of which would be pure gold.

Let it be known throughout the land: If you have something that's precious to you, especially if you're a marginalized group of some sort, we will dynamite the living hell out of it until it resembles something that's precious to US. This is the natural order of things, and it will not be interfered with.

We're taking one more spin through the failed wreckage of old television, this time focusing on game shows. All you need to know about game shows is that you team up a random nobody with a C-list celebrity, have them play a boring word game, mix in some corporate sponsorship, and you've got a hit on your hands. Or, much more likely, you've got 12 episodes before they cancel you.

We have many corrections, omissions, and other such errata to discuss today, but it all sort of revolves around a certain movie...

So, you know how, like, stuff will, sorta just, be a thing, then, like, go away, or something? Like, people used to talk about it a lot, and junk, but then it seems like they don't quite so much? Nowadays? If so, then you already understand this week's topic. If you don't, Matt will do a much better job explaining it in the actual episode.