The Daily Ascent

Last November, I made myself a promise: a small spiritual note every single day, then check in and see how I feel.  In the year since, I traveled, built new things, found new homes, celebrated a big sobriety milestone, and told you about most of it while I was still in the middle of it.  Somewhere along the way, I became someone I'm much more at home being. This is the last episode for a while, an...

When I first got sober, I didn't know how to pray, so I read other people's prayers off a card, morning and night. Then a teacher said four words that changed everything, and someone at a meeting asked a question I've never forgotten. And in my first year, I started keeping a box on my shelf full of my worst fears. This is an episode about prayer as a conversation, and the simple tool that helps m...

For years I avoided meditation. I was scared of my own monkey mind, and my stepdad was so annoying about his practice that I swore I'd never do it.  Then, a few years into my recovery, I hit a dark time and realized I had to go somewhere new spiritually. You'll never guess who I called. This is an episode about starting a meditation practice, especially when your mind won't cooperate.  Question to...

In 2015, I pressed play on a recording by a woman I'd never heard of, and within minutes I was thinking, where has this woman been my whole life? That started a decade with a teacher who changed everything for me.  Then, not long ago, that relationship shifted, and I learned something about who belongs at the center of a spiritual life. This is an episode about building a circle of teachers, and t...

I have news, and I almost told it to you prettier than it is. I had a lovely version written, and when I read it back, I realized it wasn't true.  So instead I'm giving you the real reason, because if this show has stood for anything, it's rigorous honesty. This is an episode about the fear of being selfish, and what it costs us to stay in things past their season.  Question to carry into your day...

I went to a benefit as my friend Eileen's date, a little under the weather, and when they ran a game where the winner took home a diamond bracelet, I bought two chances and then almost handed them to Eileen because I was tired and a little scared to play in front of a room of strangers. She said okay. And then she didn't move. She looked at me, nudged me, and said come on.  This is an episode abou...

I got sick this week and had to miss an event my best friend Michelle and I had been planning for a month. Staying home was the right call.  But then, from my sickbed, I found myself arranging platters and writing Post-it notes for where everything should go, when I could have handed the whole thing over in one text.  And somewhere in the fog of that, I caught something about myself I wasn't expec...

I got invited to a small dinner this week by a friend I'd drifted from, no falling out, life just loosened us, and it touched me that she'd want me at such an intimate table.  Then we ended up in a real conversation about the drift itself, and something got said out loud that I haven't been able to put down since. This is an episode about the difference between the closeness that fades and the lov...

I went on a date, and it flopped, and I was completely fine with it.  Then a friend I love said four words trying to help, and I felt myself get tight. I knew right away she meant well.  So the tightness was worth a closer look, because it wasn't about her at all. This is an episode about why our reactions to the people we love are almost always about us.  Question to carry into your day: The last...

I was staying somewhere beautiful on the east end of Long Island, where the cell service is so spotty it's almost a joke.  I was thriving out there, but I couldn't reach my power circle the way I'm used to, so my world quietly narrowed to the people right in front of me.  Then I came home to good service and my full circle, and a life that was already good got even better. This is an episode about...

I was deep in a brutal workout class, everybody shaking, and the teacher said: don't negotiate with yourself, because the minute you start negotiating, you've already lost yourself in this class.  And I about fell off the machine. Because I know that voice. It shows up at the hard part, and it's so reasonable. Do eight instead of twelve. Take this one off. You've done enough. This is an episode ab...

At my fifteen-years-sober party, I invited a friend from my recovery community, someone who's in the rooms but stays on the edges.  I figured he'd drop in for five minutes. Instead he showed up on time and stayed to the very end, and watching him get fed by a community he doesn't let himself have was one of my favorite moments of the whole night. This is an episode about walking away from the very...

A friend told me she was jealous of a couple at a party, and she said it like a confession, like she'd done something wrong. It reminded me of a client I had years ago, a sweet man coming out of a really dark time, who told me he'd felt awful and jealous watching his friend get married.  And I surprised him. I said, that's so exciting. It means your heart's still beating in there. It means you sti...

I threw myself a party for fifteen years sober, and I planned every piece of it alone, right down to buying my own birthday cake. For days my friends kept asking what they could bring, and I kept saying I'm fine, I got it.  Then the day before, my spiritual advisor Stephanie asked if I was excited, and I heard myself say: I'm realizing I asked no one for help. This is an episode about why we call...

I do this wild Pilates class on a crazy machine, where you can work off the front, which is the regular hard, or off the back, which is brutal. First day back this fall, the instructor had written the whole class off the back, and I wanted to see if I could do it, no modifications. I could, and I was so proud. Then I was so wrecked I couldn't work out for two days. This is an episode about the dif...

One of my closest friends, a gorgeous storyteller who puts her real life online, posted the other day about how lonely she was feeling.  And my stomach dropped, because I don't reach out to her much, and when I looked at why, the reason was that her life looks so full I'd decided she couldn't possibly need me.  So I texted her: I'm here, and I'm going to be your little stalker, so stay tuned. This...

I sent a friendly note to someone I barely know, the kind you forget about in an hour, and got something clipped back. So I wrote again and asked if she was okay.  What came back was that we needed to clear the air, in person, and she wouldn't tell me what it was about. And that little text glued itself to my brain for days. In the shower, on a walk, at two in the morning.  Then my spiritual advis...

My spiritual advisor was in Africa, shoveling garbage to clear a path to where people were living.  And I sent her a voice memo about something bothering me, with a big disclaimer at the front: I know this is nothing compared to what you're seeing. What she said back changed something in me. This episode is about why comparative suffering doesn't make your pain smaller. It just makes you suffer al...

About five years ago I was deep in a yoga retreat phase, and an email came in about one, and I read half of it. Then I put down the full deposit that same afternoon, glowing. Ready, fire, aim.  Then the actual directions showed up: fasting, no caffeine, rigorous exercise with no breaks. A boot camp with incense.  So I called my spiritual advisor Bessie looking for sympathy, and instead she handed...

My friend put off a root canal because she didn't have time. By January she was in agony. And that same week, a woman in one of my groups was asking how to get out of despair.  And I kept thinking about that root canal. Because most of us don't end up in despair because life is unbearable. We end up there because we didn't tend to our sadness when it was still just sadness. This episode is about w...

I was at a meeting last week, settled in my seat and deep in my own head, when my friend Pam walked in late. She was happy to see me, and I just glanced at her and sank right back into my own stuff. I didn't think twice about it.  Turns out Pam spent the whole meeting sure I was mad at her or didn't recognize her. When I hugged her at the end, she told me, and I realized I've been Pam a hundred ti...

My yoga teacher said something at the end of a brutal sequence that stopped me cold. And I immediately thought of my best friend, who had just started a dream job and was completely falling apart trying to adjust. This episode is about why the first time through anything feels like drowning, and why that's not evidence you made a mistake. It's just evidence that you don't have rhythm yet.  Questio...

I've been out on the East End of Long Island, where the whole place runs on a couple of roads with almost no traffic lights, so making a left turn means sitting and waiting with no help coming.  And every single time, I catastrophize: I'm going to be late, this'll take forever, I'm never getting out of this lane.  And every single time, the traffic clears and I make the turn. Sometimes a generous...

Today I'm fifteen years sober, and I want to tell you about the day it happened. I always had a hard time with alcohol, and by my early thirties I was doing the things I swore I never would. After I browned out at my own thirty-fourth birthday party, I drove to Cape Cod carrying a shame I couldn't shake, went down to the beach alone, and called a sober woman I was sure wouldn't answer.  She answer...

I stood in a parking lot completely falling apart. Convinced my creative life was over. And my friend looked at me and said, one day we are both going to laugh about this. I did not believe her. This episode is about what unfolding actually looks like when you're inside it, and why the middle of the story is not evidence that the story is over.  Question to carry into your day: What moment in your...