Save Your Sanity - Help for Toxic Relationships

This audio was recorded in 2006, long before Hijackals became Dr. Shaler's focus. Rethinking Selfishness: "What if I told you that I now value selfishness? Would that be shocking? Not only do I value it, but I encourage others to value it and practice it." In this first of our upcoming Legacy Files, Dr. Shaler explores the often misunderstood concept of selfishness and redefines it as a positive f...

Whether you're looking for a new friend or a potential new relationship, you don't want to be trauma dumping. When you let your whole story fly, someone else is likely to get crushed by it. Out of the gate, with someone new, it's smart to establish a relationship dynamic based on balance, mutual sharing, and emotional maturity. Oversharing personal traumas can burden the budding relationship and s...

SOOO frustrating! You hoped for a partner, parent, sibling, or adult child with whom you could communicate, collaborate, and co-operate, but no. You live most of the time with q tiresome toddler or miserable middle schooler, right? Learn more about recognizing the patterns and altering your expectations now. HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE: #Hijackals are emotionally immature. Check your expectations w...

Narcissists ask for too much...and they expect to get it. It's essential to hear that a question is outrageous so you can respond differently. If you've been with a Hijackal for too long, you may have stopped hearing their questions as outrageous; This episode will sharpen your listening skills and increase your sensitivity to questions that are intrusive, violating, and need a solid NO answer. HI...

Being with a narcissistic person is scary, right? You are usually wrong...even when you're right!. You never know what mood they'll be in. They lie, gaslight, rage, and fall silent. They are intimidating! They keep you on edge! What can you do to reduce the intimidation? Listen to this episode. HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE: Narcissistic people are likely to engage in several kinds of abuse: verbal,...

Can't do anything wrong? Get away with nonsense? Get extra goodies? Attention? Time? Might sound good but it can get old fast and leave you with very poor self-esteem and a lack of identity. Have a sibling who is the Golden Child? You envied them and now you se them differently? VERY IMPORTANT EPISODE to straighten your thinking about yourself and others who were treated as Golden Children growing...

Narcissists love it when you run after their approval. You hope to explain yourself and be heard; they hope to explain you away. In this episode are five iron-clad reasons to not even try to please a Hijackal - save your energy, save your time, save your self-esteem. Listen in. HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE: Hijackals want you to please them They make it very difficult to do Why narcissists always ne...

You want someone--at least one someone--to hear you, see you, believe you. So you share. Sadly, that often turns into oversharing, leaving you a little red-faced. if you fully embarrassed a little later, right? "Why did I do that?"  There are good reasons you overshare. Don't beat yourself up for it. Listen in to understand the "whys" and stick around for the "why nots!" so you can make posit...

Steps to emotional freedom require knowing where the path starts. These five "must-do's" are fundamental to saving your sanity, self-esteem, and self-confidence. When you're in a toxic relationship with a narcissistic Hijackal, it's even MORE critlcal. Know the importance of each of these and how to keep them top of mind. Develop enough strength to follow the "healthier human" path to avoid being...

Oh, how Hijackals love to poke, prod, and provoke you into losing it and reacting, right? And then they like to wind you up further so you'll yell, blame, complain, and meltdown. Crazy-making? Yes, INTENTIONALLY CRAZY-MAKING! Learn ways to not go there, to not react, to not behave like the Hijackal...or the way the Hijackal wants to manipulate you into behaving, How to choose control and calm...

Narcissistic Hijackals know what you want. Yet, they withhold giving it to you. They know what you need. Yet, they refuse to fulfill it. They know how to make you happy, but prefer disappointing you. Think deeply about these five "would be good" things narcissists promise but fail to deliver...and, they do it very deliberately. There are real deal-breakers...when you actually see them. Listen in....

You want to be able to trust a person, right? It's natural. It's healthy. Yet, you cannot trust narcissists or any variation of Hijackal. And, I know you want to.  In this episode, hear the many ways you CANNOT trust them, even when you want to. Hear ways you convince yourself you can believe them, and why you must stop. Yep, it's hard sometimes. But, if you trust them, you're diving into cra...

Little by little, nasty, bitter, unfair things start becoming part of the day-to-day with a narcissist. Those Hijackals are relentless in wearing you down and getting their way, right? You might pass it off as another "little thing to avoid" to reduce the abuse. WHAT? You're doing things to reduce the abuse rather than set boundaries and making plans to leave? SEE HOW SNEAKY IT ALL IS? Don't miss...

Some Hijackals are subtle, some are sneaky. All are to keep your relationship in chaos, preferably with you giving in to their whims, demands, and expectations. Most of all, they want to be in charge and in control of all the things. Be informed. See them for what and who they are. They are always wanting to create a fracas, a commotion, an upset, and a mess. When you can see what they're up to, i...

When you're on guard every minute, hypervigilant about the next accusation, you might think I'm suggesting something impossible...maybe even crazy. I'm not. It's important to recognize that you can stay in charge of yourself, no matter what kind of crazy-making the Hijackal or narcissist engages in. Difficult? Yes, but not impossible. Worthwhile? Definitely! Learn this invaluable approach to takin...

You may think that it's impossible to be "too nice." It's not. It actually can make things worse...and that's just what it does when you're in a relationship with a narcissistic Hijackal. You do all the giving and then, more is expected, right? Not working! Listen in to recognize the ways being "too nice" works against you. Hijackals LOVE to take advantage of someone who will fall all over themsel...

Most people want to believe the stories of others. You want to be able to trust, right? So, you're inclined to be sucked in by plausible stories, excuses, reasons, etc.. Also, you don't want the hassle of their endless denials and turning things on you. Learn how plausibility is the key to turning this into healthier interactions to stop the crazy-making. Listen in and get away. HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS...

You're a good person. You want to see the best in folks. You are right ready to help someone excuse their poor behavior, and be understanding. Hijackals count on that! They treat you poorly to see how much you'll put up with. It's often not long into the relationship before they're taking up all the space....and you're gasping for air, dying to be heard. BE CLEAR ABOUT THESE 12 TRAITS. See them. B...

Narcissists and other Hijackals are infuriating, frustrating, and crazy-making. You reach the end of your tether and you want to tell them everything that's wrong with them and more.  You've likely noticed that nothing good happens when you accuse them of being narcissistic,, point out their flaws, or ask them to change. What's much ore likely to happen is that they explode, spilling their na...

You want to believe that love can change people, right? So, you give, give, and give in yet nothing really gets better beyond a half minute. You decide to give more until there is little left of you. Nothing changes...except for getting worse. That's because their decision to change has nothing to do with it And, worse...they have no interest in changing to make things better. Listen in to realize...

Male and female children are differently treated--and affected--by having a narcissistic mother. SO many things you may never have thought much about! This episode will help you think in different ways about the long-term effects that having a Hijackal mother could have had on your sense of self, your self-confidence, your resilience...AND on your relationships. Use this episode to help you uncove...

Unless they want something badly, narcissists want you to be in emotional chaos. In fact, they want you to feel less than and inadequate. Back-handed and blindsiding, they do their best to keep you off center and uncertain. Learn about toxic shame and how it may be playing out in your inner dialogue and in your relationship with a narcissistic parent and/or partner. See it so you can stop it! HIGH...

New! Your questions are the focus for this episode. Narcissistic or not so much? What are you wondering about? Recognizing the patterns, traits and cycles that ARE narcissistic is wise...AND so is discerning what is NOT narcissistic. Ask your questions in the chat and I'll answer them as clearly as I can. HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE: Questions from audience about narcissistic traits Are alcoholics...

TRIANGULATION. See It. Say No, Step Away,. Understanding what triangulation really is allows you to see it more clearly and step away more readily. Get the inside scoop on this in your life. Once you see it, you can do something about it. You'll feel SO much better when you do. HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE: What triangulation is Why narcissistic people use triangulation How to recognize the abuse of...

Narcissists HATE to hear "NO!" You don't want to be a pretzel or a doormat, so you NEED to say NO when you mean it. Overtime, a Hijackal® may wear you down and try to get what they want by any means. How do you make NO mean NO...and make it stick? You already know how little a Hijackal® wants to be denied. A "NO" means that to them and they don't take it happily...or lying down. HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS...