SOS: Sounds of Satire

Radiant. Resplendent. Revolving. Swinging from the rafters, I am the all-knowing glitter sphere—and I see everything. I saw your first sip of bottom-shelf whiskey. Saw you slur your words and spill on daddies. Saw you swipe someone’s half-finished drink then down it in one gulp. I am dazzling. Lustrous. The ball of the ball. As I swivel, no smooch is unseen. No hand slipped down the back of skinny...

1. Proper attire is strictly prohibited. 2. Shirts, socks, and shoes are required—though we invite patrons over 65 to enjoy the sauna fully naked, as Joe Gold of Gold’s Gym originally intended. 3. Please do not shower beforehand. Likewise, any cologne, deodorant, or body spray must be applied inside the steam room. 4. We ask that you use the facilities either completely alone or with your ten clos...

Let me be clear: I am not afraid of flying. That would be laughable, irrational, statistically absurd — ridiculous! I just have a funny feeling the left wing will fall off. Again: I am not afraid of traveling. My anxieties are merely artisanal. My phobias, bespoke. Sure, sometimes, when we’re skimming over the Atlantic, I worry I’ll phase through the floor and do a 34,000-foot polar plunge. But I...

Carly Rae Jepsen = Multivitamin Gummy Concentrated optimism. Label warns against exceeding the recommended dose, but I’ve been doing two a day since 2015. Ariana Grande = Zoloft Sands the edges of human suffering. A sound bath for the soul. A capsulized whistle tone. Take as needed for heartache, depression, and ennui. Madonna = Vitamin D3 Life-sustaining sustenance injected directly into your vei...

Congratulations on your commitment to optimized self-care — with your purchase of an all-inclusive, all-invasive Oura Ring Fitness-Tracker Piercing. Here’s what besties chasing their best lives need to know. What are Fitness-Tracker Piercings? In collaboration with Oura Ring, Claire’s innovative wellness wearables are now available at abandoned malls nationwide. Packed with high-tech features in e...

* Asking how much weight I’d need to gain to tip the scales. * Presenting a food journal of every Hostess product I’ve consumed this year, along with an addendum of DoorDash receipts. * Suggesting we go halvsies on the prescription and split the injections 60/40. * Giving her a Zoom tour of my pantry—stocked with nothing but saturated fats. * Joining every telehealth appointment from my reserved b...