The Middle Tree Podcast

During a 9:00 PM Friday walk, I reflect on my relationship with “the professor,” whom I met on a bike ride about a year ago. Since we met, I’ve also learned about his borderline personality disorder. His outbursts have escalated from monthly to weekly. As the episodes become more frequent, they've grown in intensity as well, and often feel like he's trying to pull me into his pain. It's awakened s...

While walking the dog, I share a quick update: the tarot cards I left in a little library were taken within about 18 hours, which I see as a small but meaningful exchange. I talk about the sudden death of my 56-year-old cousin from a stroke, and how it has made me think about grief, aging, and the loss of someone who shared so much of my history. Those memories now gone with her. My cousin was a m...

Life has changed for my doggo and me. My cute pup, who is now 11 years old, has been dealing with weakening hips that make running painful. To adjust, we've traded in our old routines of long romps in open fields for more gentle strolls around the neighborhood block. These walks were initially a necessity, but they have quickly become cherished moments. This is a public episode. If you would like...

After an uncomfortable Easter visit with “the professor,” Beatrix leaves early following a fight about working from the library instead of his home office. Back home, needing something, she signs up for weekly GLP-1 injections (Ozempic-equivalent) obtained through an online pharmacy despite not meeting typical BMI criteria, seeking a jumpstart from feeling stuck and melancholic, and hoping to lose...

Beatrix shares a brief update while sick with a cold after a strongman competition and prepares to fly for Easter to visit “the professor” for the first time at his home. They describe arranging care for their dog with a trusted sitter who lets him roam and enjoys time with other animals. She explains they have been fighting frequently because the professor says they don't open up, share, or...

Beatrix recounts competing in a strongman competition for the first time in over a decade, describing the excitement, nervousness, and camaraderie of training and competing with a group of women, along with encouragement from others at the expo. After coming down from the post-event high, she reflects on how rare that shared, in-person connection feels and how everyday life can be lonely, lacking...

On a rainy Thursday in upstate New York, Beatrix reflects on how CrossFit introduced her to weightlifting in 2012, after she had never touched a barbell and had once viewed it as an intimidating and male-dominated sport. She describes the shared language and connection found through lifting, and how it became a way to bond over training, setbacks, personal achievements, and, of course, injuries. S...

Beatrix reflects on gratitude for an old house bought sight unseen in 2021 with an FHA loan and little savings, recalling a stressful cross-country move, two weeks living in the car, and a friend’s thoughtful gift of two twin beds that became a comforting routine with the dog. The episode then shifts to ongoing long-distance relationship negotiations with “the professor,” who is 16 years older, re...

Beatrix reflects on feeling unmoored as she gets older without a spouse, children, or living parents, and asks what her “why" is for making decisions and simply getting by. She revisits Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning, quoting “he who has a why to live can bear almost any how,” and considers Frankl's shifting sources of purpose in Auschwitz—his manuscript, hope of seei...

Beatrix returns to the podcast after prolonged procrastination, feeling drawn to record and aiming to post twice weekly. She updates listeners on a relationship with “Bob,” a retired professor they met on a bike ride, and her anxiety about introducing him to her protective, under-socialized German Shepherd. With guidance from a trusted trainer, they used a slow process involving crating, treats, l...

Beatrix checks in after completing an eight-day bike ride. At first, she felt disappointed when a friend’s injury forced her to finish the journey solo. But along the way, she unexpectedly met Bob, and the two formed a meaningful connection despite the 900 miles that separate them. As Thanksgiving approaches, Beatrix finds herself torn between excitement and anxiety about Bob’s upcoming visit. She...

In this episode, Beatrix shares her return after a two-month hiatus, speaking about preparations for a bike ride across New York State from Buffalo to Albany. Her close friend, who was supposed to join her on the adventure, suffered a broken hand in an accident, resulting in Beatrix facing the ride alone. She reflects on the disappointment, logistics, and the mixed emotions of continuing the ride...

 The point is to just keep recording these episodes, finding a rhythm, taking notes, collecting information, stories, and telling them, because there is a story that I need to tell and this is the medium that I choose to do it. If you're still listening, thank you.

 I have got to find a way through this melancholy, and I need to start right here, right where I am right now. The answer is not out there; it's in here. It's right here in me.

I have GOT to find a way to reconnect to the world, the people I love, and just anyone. I've been too isolated for too long. The Middle Tree is a place to gather and explore an idea: leave a voicemail for three people with three reasons why I'm grateful for that person. #3reasons3people Despite all the fear, I'm going to spread love.