My Spouse Has Dementia

From the caregiver's mindset to  making a home safe to understanding the legal side of caregiving, The Caregiver's Advocate is a collection of essays, written by and for caregivers. Debbie DeMoss Compton spearheaded " The Caregiver's Advocate ," an international bestselling book featuring 21 authors from 4 countries, offering diverse perspectives and strategies for caregivers. The Caregiver's Advo...

Lance A. Slatton is a change-maker in the world of family caregiving.  He has the lived experience of a caregiver, the expertise of a professional caregiving services provider, and the wisdom to recognize the power of a caregiver's personal story.  His service to the community can be seen in family-owned homecare services company, Enriched Life Homecare Services .  Beyond that, Slatton is the auth...

What's it like to be the caregiver for your parents while raising a young family of your own, and your wife is pregnant? Not easy!  Healthcare journalist Paul Wynn writes about caregiving issues for more than 70 national publications. He also knows what it's like to be a caregiver, sandwiched between two generations.  That personal story is the subject of "Surviving the Sandwich Generation Years:...

Imagine you open your computer, strike a few keys, and there's your spouse…who died three years ago – like my husband did. You aren't looking at a photo. Or a video. No. This is more like Zoom or Facetime.   The image you see looks, acts, and moves just like your spouse. Sounds like your spouse, too. You stare in disbelief as the image smiles and says, "Honey, I've missed you."   What's your gut r...

Your loved one is diagnosed with dementia. While you focus on symptoms, tasks and decisions, a long-standing pattern from your childhood is being triggered. That pattern will shape your caregiving style.  That childhood pattern is also being triggered in your loved one. Understanding the pattern can help you understand your loved one's behavior. Understanding can lead to compassion for your loved...

You will never regret being kind to your spouse.  In a strong marriage, the sexual expression of love is the sinew that ties two hearts together and forms the kind of bond we depend on to get us through life's greatest challenges. As we age, the intensity of physical passion burns more ember than flame, but the bonds of love can be just as strong, even stronger, than ever.  Alzheimer's forces a we...

You know that caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's or other form of dementia can leave your mind confused, your body exhausted, and your spirit depressed. Yes, and what if I said there's something simple that might help you survive the caregiving journey? Yes, and what if I said this something is fun and free?  I'm talking about improvisational theater, "improv" for short. Imagine a group of pe...

"None of the books I read conveyed the ugly truth about caregiving: that it can destroy you – even kill you – if you go about it wrong." That's just a taste of the hard-hitting reality conveyed by author Martin (Marty) Schreiber in his memoir, "My Two Elaines." Elaine was Marty's highschool sweetheart and wife of 62 years when she died from Alzheimer's. As a former governor , Marty was prepared fo...

At part of their daughter's wedding ceremony, Heather was supposed to give their daughter a necklace that had once belonged to Heather's mother.  Heather's husband, John, talks about what it was like when he and his daughter realized Heather had not brought the jewelry. "Our daughter actually took me aside before the ceremony and said, 'Dad, I've been wondering about something and I have to ask. D...

For 13 years, John Scully visited his mom in a nursing home. For the last 8 years of her life, she couldn't talk. So he had other conversations. And they became a book. It's called Visited Mom Today: Conversations Through the Lens of Alzheimer's and Dementia. Mentioned in the podcast: VisitedMomToday.com - The website of author John D. Scully   Alz Authors , a podcast that interviews authors of de...

I grew up listening to Walter Cronkite. He signed off each nightly newscast with "And that's the way it is." As a kid, I was often alarmed by the news. But I reasoned that if Walter Cronkite respected me enough to tell me the truth, then I could handle it. Yes, my reasoning was flawed. Mr. Cronkite didn't know me.  In this episode, I share deeply personal stories from my childhood. That's when my...

This episode is a message for the caregiver to send to someone else, someone who doesn't know, or doesn't understand, the stress the caregiver is going through. I liken that stress to driving alone, in an old car, up a steep mountain on a narrow, twisting road with no place to pull off. There are no guardrails. The caregiver's spouse is at the top of that mountain, dying.   I created this episode...

"Between now and dead, you've got a purpose. Don't be timid." Before she retired as a hospice chaplain, Reverend Victoria Burdick faced her own death several times. In her 30s while in divinity school, she wrote a series of essays she called "Lunch with Heron." In one of those essays, "The Tall Ships," she recounts the breast cancer diagnosis that led her to the Festival of the Tall Ships in Europ...

You've probably heard of anticipatory grief. Unbidden, hidden, and immediate, it comes with the diagnosis that your loved one has Alzheimer's. Depending on when the diagnosis was delivered, it can be several years or more before your loved one dies. Something in addition to anticipatory grief can  also happen along the way, especially in those devastating late years of the disease. I call it  Anti...

For a person with Alzheimer's or other form of dementia, wandering can be dangerous. If that person isn't found within 24 hours, the chances that he or she will suffer serious injury, even death, increase dramatically. The family dementia caregiver will likely experience serious stress until the loved one is found.  According to the Alzheimer's Association 6 in 10 people with dementia will wander...

Your spouse has Alzheimer's. You know he - or she - shouldn't be driving. When you bring up the subject, you hear some version of, "That's ridiculous! I know how to drive a car."  He might be right. He might still know how to drive a car. The problem is that he shouldn't be driving a car.  No, this isn't a simple matter of semantics. Your spouse may still have the muscle memory to operate a motor...

Mary Lou Falcone became a caregiver when her father had a massive stroke. She was 10 years old. The experience prepared her for the day, many years later, when her husband, illustrator and 1950s rocker Nicky Zann , was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia (LBD).  In her memoir, I Didn't See It Coming: Scenes of Love, Loss, and Lewy Body Dementia , Falcone talks about what it was like to have an inter...

Sometimes, the dreams we carry inspire us. Then life changes, especially if your spouse has dementia. Now, those same dreams weigh us down… and we have to let go. Advertisements for some memory care facilities and some dementia service agencies don't help. I find those ads insulting.    You've read the message in blogs and brochures.  Depending on where you and your spouse are in the dementia jour...

This is a cautionary tale about a dear friend, a family caregiver who died first. She was in her mid-70s, a few weeks younger than I am. In mid-April, she had a stroke. She died mid-July, just as I faced the one-year milestone of my husband's death from Alzheimer's. Her death emphasized the reality of caregiver stress and the importance of caregiver support.  You may not have time to listen to thi...

My husband died last summer. He had Alzheimer's. I've experienced a lot of "firsts" without him: his birthday, my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and most recently, Valentine's Day. Some of those days passed without incident. Others…not so much.  It's March. I survived the first holiday season alone. I know there is no end-point to grief. We caregivers learn to carry it. W...

Not feeling festive? No surprise. For those of us caring for a spouse with Alzheimer's or other form of dementia, December can be a cruel month. While much of the world is joyful. We're sad. It's part of the journey we're on. Today is the Winter Solstice. Light is returning to the Northern Hemisphere. In ancient Rome, this marked a time to celebrate and give gifts. The "wow" gift was a piece of th...

Are you caring for a spouse with Alzheimer's?  You need to know that hope, like optimism, can strengthen your resilience or distort your reality. Hope can also be the key to your surivival.  My husband died four months ago. In caring for him, I journeyed from confusion to determination, from anger to cynicism, from defiance to acceptance. I shunned hope. I grasped for hope.  Only when forced to li...

When tragedy reshapes your life, having a supportive community is key to your survival. Since my husband died of Alzheimer's three months ago, I've been in a cave of sorts, rarely leaving the house. My neighbors drew me back into the world of the living - with a tree.  For family dementia caregivers, grief and guilt can become interwined. This episode includes a simple, self-care ritual for the ca...

From the time my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease, my goal was to care for him at home. He died last month, at home, in my arms. This episode shares deeply personal details about the changes in our relationship, the loss of physical intimacy, the physical realities of death, the practical considerations of a funeral, and more. Mentioned:  https://www.myspousehasdementia.com   https:/...