Hello Dysfunction

Happy Birthday Peez!!  Hers a big girl and is already acting like it.  The Queen has passed. Now return the stolen artifacts. We’ve been having record breaking temperatures, don’t share my goodbye letter and tape your mouth shut.  Check out this week’s sponsors!   • BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For...

CHREEEEEEEES!!  We feel sick. Crystal is a woodworker. Don’t sleep with your dead pets and Pata Fria is opening a Montessori school.  Be patient with your neurodivergent partners and learn your love/apology languages.  Forgiveness develops with time. Growing up in the 90s was so incredibly toxic and have you made a virginity promise to your dad?  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction   F...

The kids are back to school and bringing home germs, yay! Crystal is a contractor specializing in residential renovations. The local Starbucks needs to train their employees on proper protocol.  Bukk is here. Beater Boys. Please keep your pets away from onions and garlic!!  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The ch...

Happy Birthday Crystal!!! Camping was a shit show, trouble follows us everywhere and influencer drama has us in a chokehold.  Reviewing some unnecessary write ins, not the good kind.  Check out this week’s sponsor! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HE...

Leo season is upon us.  We’re recording in a bed.  Is Pata Fria’s ig gone forever?  Crystal’s house and nerves are in disarray, Pata Fria and Will started fasting and talk shows in the 90s were AWFUL.  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction   Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction   Instagram.com/lurkpatafria   Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: hel...

We’re doing our best.  Crystal’s house is all over the place, Pata Fria is a carpet cleaning professional, stop leaving your lashes everywhere.  We’re still waiting on Uncle Jimmy, let’s all take monkey pox seriously and always plead not guilty on your tickets. It’s worth a shot. Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!  ...

Is the Choco Taco really saying goodbye?  Kids, finish your raisin water, snap peas and blackberries.  Shaving Cream has a lot of uses! Your name coulda been Elvis.  Stop wasting paper towels and wash your rice?  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code H...

Welcome to grow tf up everything isn’t funny.  Carolyn might be getting a roommate, Pata Fria is becoming a gamer and we might move to LA.  Never leave your kids unattended, follow these notes on how to be a good wife, zebras in CA is true.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhel...

Back loving the Blood Mary’s.  Let’s all get new haircuts. We live in hell, boric acid is not for everyday use and if you’re into skat play safe!  People flashing their lights in the daytime are friends! And Crystal won’t even cheat with a doll.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real peop...

In person is always better.  Everything in moderation, even the good stuff.  If you love me, play dead.  Loss of a pet is insanely rough.  If you’re gonna dress up your siblings at least take pics.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s b...

We’re so happy to be back.  We would like a Raisin Bran sponsorship.  Now Bunny has Covid.  Be careful driving cars that backfire.  Bladder botox is ridiculous and we miss our grandmas.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.co...

We’re back!  Crystal and family had Covid, Pata Fria ran away to Florida. iPhones are messy, don’t make new videos of dead loved ones, Crystal will never stop seeing dad d*ck and got a hot new bathing suit!  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO...

Pata Fria got a Mexican denture and surprised herself with how creative she gets while hurt. Crystal got a special voicemail and visit right when she needed it. Nightmares are among us, after 2.5yrs Crystal finally got Covid and blocking ppl is about self preservation, not you.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off...

It’s hot.  Roaches are never welcome.  Crystal is a caring death doula and guns are outta control. Pata Fria is more prude than you’d expect, thank god for growth, use water in the bathroom and dnt be gross.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO...

Happy Birthday Pata Fria. Don’t call me “lil mama”.  Be extra nice nice to the ugly produce and Aunt Debra is a damn fool.  Being a woman is annoying, not everyone can breastfeed and Crystal’s singing has to stop.  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction   Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction   Instagram.com/lurkpatafria   Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/st...

We’re almost 4 years old!!  Pata Fria is back from Mexico.  Carolyn might have a keepsake for sale and we have a new beauty secret to share.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full...

Crystal is an adult cheerleader.  Keep politics out of our vaginas.  Hyper sexual children are more common than some realize and love at first month is totally possible.  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction   Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction   Instagram.com/lurkpatafria   Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction@gmail.com 

Coffee is a trickster.  Tomatoes used to be a lot better tasting.  Stop telling everyone your family planning and extreme cheapskates are great.  Crystal is ALL about mid century modern and Pata Fria is getting her affairs in order.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com a...

Welcome.  Pata Fria draws nice stars. Crystal’s “what ifs” are non stop. Don’t fall for IG scams. Don’t forget your kids places, honest people still do exist.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!!...

Wanna smooth things out? Make a dance routine. Women are really in constant physical pain. Water isn’t a good time and cannibalism should be legal. Personality tests be on point and don’t let social media make you feel like you aren’t doing enough.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to...

Eat cinnamon mentos for dinner. Our kids been stressing us to death and we hate Pepsi. Our recording decor is really classy and Netflix is being greedy. Tips on how to get more fellatio and plan your after death signs now.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use disc...

RIP to our dear listener Lauren.  Do your laundry.  Carolyn needs to make some money.  Divorce is ok!! Swear on your own life.  It pays to be a good person and tiny mustaches should be a thing.  For additional weekly episodes join our Patreon!!  Patreon.com/hellodysfunction   Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction   Instagram.com/lurkpatafria   Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your...

Two mentally ill moms… Is Pata Fria retired?  Crystal is still talking to strangers.  New hair, who dis?  Crystal needs to delete games off her phone.  Hand me downs are great. Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO •...

Pata Fria’s voice is returning.  We’re still wearing masks.  Depression is a stupid bitch.  Don’t judge a book by it’s cover and beware of mountain lions in your backyard.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join o...

Excedrine is that girl.  Don’t take our medical advice.  iPhone “Share My Location” is not always accurate.  Crystal gives great history lessons.  Pray for Ukraine. We’ve been taught very contradictory rules.  Always be open to learning and please leave us a review xo Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first m...