Flying Free

For years I tried to get my religious community to see what was happening in my home. It didn’t work. They joked about it in the church parking lot, then excommunicated me. In this episode, I read a story I wrote called “Who Burned the House Down?” If you’ve ever tried to tell someone about the gasoline in your house and been told you better never light a match, you’ll want to hear this story. May...

In this episode, a mom asks how to guide her children through abuse in the family. She said she used to coach her kids to comply and placate so their dad wouldn't get angry. Now she wishes she hadn't taught them to stay small. If you've ever looked back at your parenting with regret, or you're trying to figure out how to protect your kids right now, this episode is for you. We’ll talk about what t...

In Episode 394 of the Flying Free Podcast, Natalie Hoffman talks with Lydia Grace Kaiser, author of Bible Truth About Women: What They Don't Tell You . Lydia was raised by a fundamental Baptist pastor and spent decades believing the Bible restricted women. In her 50’s she went to seminary to find out what the evidence actually says. If you've been told the Bible is "clear" about women's roles, but...

My pastors told me that what I was experiencing for over two decades wasn’t serious enough to be called “abuse.” They said I had to be physically hurt for it to cross the line of “hard marriage” to “abusive marriage.” Their beliefs kept me spinning in a turmoil so great that I thought a lot about ending my life.  If you find yourself wondering if you’d be better off dead or secretly praying your s...

Today we welcome back Arizona family law attorney Wendy Hernandez to celebrate the release of her brand new book, Legally Ending Love , and to walk us through exactly what every woman needs to know before they file for divorce.  (Psst! When you buy her book THIS WEEK ONLY, you get a bunch of amazing free bonus resources, including a Discovery Planner, a Property and Debt Inventory worksheet, and a...

Today I’m going to tell you about the last of the three books I picked as the most life-changing for me so far. I was nervous to write this episode because the book is controversial in some circles, and even I was afraid to read it many years ago. I expected to confront all kinds of lies and heresies (this is what I was taught at my church!)  Instead, I found permission to believe in a God big eno...

This is the second in a 3-part series where I’m sharing the top three books that have changed my life. Last week I talked about the book A Failure of Nerve by Edwin Friedman. This week I will talk about Altogether You by Jenna Remiersma. And next week…well, you’ll have to come back then to hear me talk about a VERY controversial book in conservative Christian circles, but WOW did it absolutely do...

A lot of people got mad at me when I started to change over ten years ago. They got so mad, they booted me out of my church and my family. In this episode, I’m going to tell you about a book that changed the way I parent, lead, and show up in my own life.  It's a book about what it actually takes to become the leader of your own life when everyone around you wants things to stay the same. Key Take...

This is a replay of one of the most listened to episodes in the Flying Free Podcast archives , and it’s such a good one, I thought I’d reshare it for our new listeners!  If you've ever screamed, thrown something, said something you regret, and then wondered if you’re the abusive one, this conversation will clear that up for you. Our guest, Annette Oltmans breaks down what's really happening in you...

Family estrangement. It’s kind of big on social media right now, but not always in a healthy kind of way. Gretchen Baskerville, author of The Life Saving Divorce , has done research on this, and she’s discovered nine types of family estrangement.  Chances are, you’ve had a brush with…or are experiencing…at least one type.  Watch or listen in to hear real stories that show how addiction, control, m...

If you are stepping away from an emotionally or spiritually destructive marriage and suddenly feel hit by severe anxiety, physical illness, obsessive thoughts, or a desperate urge to run back, you may be experiencing trauma bond withdrawal . When a relationship alternates between unpredictable emotional mistreatment and periods of seeming “niceness,” your body builds a biological and neurochemical...

In this episode, we’re doing something a little different. I’m opening up my private monthly book club discussion (usually just for Flying Higher members) and sharing it with you. This month we read the bestselling novel Yesteryear by Caro Claire Burke.  We get into the tradwife aesthetic, performative Christianity, and the difference between a woman who genuinely loves a homemaking life and a sys...

Let’s talk about emotional neglect. Can we really categorize this as “abuse?”  I say we can, and in today’s episode, I’m going to tell you why.  In this episode, you’ll learn: Five specific ways emotional neglect shows up in a marriage Why silence can be more controlling than yelling What your nervous system does when someone ignores you The question every neglected wife asks herself over and over...

This is part two of our series on the subtle gaslighting tactics emotional abusers and narcissists use in Christian marriage. You'll hear four more specific examples of what he says, why he says it, what it triggers in you, and the precise words to say back so the tactic stops working on you for good. Key Takeaways: There's a reason your husband can turn any conversation about his behavior into a...

Today we’ll talk about one of the most disorienting experiences Christian women in emotionally abusive marriages face: gaslighting.  But we aren’t going to just define what gaslighting is. I’m going to break it down into all the tiny parts and give you some specific stories so you can see exactly what’s going on and WHY.  You’ll learn three specific tactics gaslighters use, why they use them, and...

Tia Levings is the New York Times bestselling author of A Well-Trained Wife and her newest book, I Belong to Me . She survived a Christian patriarchy cult, escaped a near murder-suicide, was excommunicated for telling her own story, and spent 15 years in intensive trauma therapy doing the work to put herself back together. Now she's handing you the map to healing from religious trauma. In this epi...

Let’s talk about something called “the subjugation schema.” It's a clinical pattern that secular psychologists are actively trying to help women heal from, and the conservative Christian church has rebranded the exact same wound as godliness, biblical womanhood, and a high calling. If you've spent your life apologizing for taking up space, smiling when you wanted to scream, or feeling guilty about...

In this episode I’m answering a pressing question Christian women in difficult marriages ask: how do you find a church that will actually support you instead of silence you? Because not all churches are created equal, and the difference between a safe church and a harmful one can change everything for a woman trying to find her footing. I’ll break down exactly what to look for, what to ask, and wh...

In this episode, I sit down with my real-life friend Jessica, a pastor's wife whose story intersects with mine: her husband was a pastor at the very church that excommunicated me. What started as a conversation about her story turned into one of the most layered, honest episodes I think we've ever recorded. Jessica spent decades being told her emotions were idols, her feelings weren't facts, and h...

This is part four of the High Functioning Christian Women in Destructive Marriages series, and today we talk about a concept that ties the whole series together: sovereignty.  Synonyms for sovereignty include: freedom, autonomy, and independence. If you've spent years managing everyone's needs, shrinking your own, and building an identity around your capacity to give without limit, this episode wi...

This is Part Three of our series on high-functioning Christian women in destructive marriages. You are the woman people call when something complicated needs solving. You read rooms, spot patterns, and get it right. And yet in this one area of your life, you have been told that your judgment, specifically, cannot be trusted. Key Takeaways: Why the very perceptiveness that makes you exceptional eve...

This is Part Two of my series on high-functioning Christian women in destructive marriages. In Part One, we explored how the very qualities that make these women extraordinary are the same ones that make them exceptionally vulnerable. Today we're going deeper into one of the most specific and targeted of those qualities: empathy. If you've ever felt like your compassion is working against you, lik...

So many capable, gifted Christian women are living a double life that is impressive in public, but diminished in private, and they don't even have words for what's happening to them. This episode will change that. 🔑 Key Takeaways: There's a specific kind of loneliness that has nothing to do with being sad, and it's far more common among high-functioning Christian women The reason you can run a bu...

This is one of my favorite interviews! Today I’m talking with my friend, Dr. Tiffany Yecke Brooks, author of Gaslighted by God , Holy Ghosted , and her brand-new book, To Rebehold the Stars: Reimagining Faith After Deconstruction. If you've walked through the painful process of deconstructing the toxic theology you inherited, this conversation is going to knock your socks off.  Drawing from Dante'...

What happens when seeing your ex derails all your progress? And why do your friends think he's such a great guy when you know the truth? 🔑 Key Takeaways: Why seeing your ex after months can feel like all your progress disappeared (it didn't) What trauma bonding actually does to your memory of the relationship Why emotionally abusive people seem so great to everyone else The false equivalency that...