Evolutionary Men

In this episode I'm joined by Gethin Aldous, co-director of The Work , the award-winning documentary shot inside Folsom Prison. We get into what happens when the hardest men in the system sit in circle and let themselves break, why prison cuts straight through the judgment that men's work is soft or goofy, and what it awakens in the men who witness it. If men most people have written off can go th...

In this episode I talk about the real cost of staying numb and what's actually happening when a man feels flat. I get into the one-pipe reality, why clamping down grief and anger also chokes off joy, desire, and aliveness, the difference between a state and a stage, and why you can't think or read your way back to being fully alive and how important it is to plunge into spaces of depth to give you...

In this episode I lay out a map I've been building for nearly two decades: nine specific capacities that separate the man who walks into a room and changes it from the man nobody quite remembers was there. I take them one at a time: vitality, devotion, curiosity, rigor, initiative, presence, empathy, depth, and discernment, go through what each one looks like when it's online and what it costs you...

In this episode I'm joined by Dr. Luke Adler to talk about the shadow of shadow work, what it demands from us beyond catharsis, and why release is only the first step that must extend into accountability. We break down the three-phase arc of release, responsibility, and repair, sit with the cultural pressure on men's groups right now to do more than hold space for pain, and get into what real care...

In this episode I sit down with my wife Violet Lange to talk about the gap no amount of solo work can close. You've done your reading, you've done your shadow work, you feel solid, and then a woman walks into the room and you freeze, shrink, or bury your desire. You can practice alone forever, but you only get good at the feminine in front of the feminine. We get into why so many men get so few re...

In this episode I take Scott Galloway's framework for young men, the provider, protector, procreator model, and make the case that it's necessary but not sufficient. I use Ken Wilber's four-quadrant map to show that the two quadrants Galloway skips, interior life and real male connection, are exactly where the crisis lives. Then I name the two missing pieces that round out his framework and don't...

In this episode I sit down with Keith Martin-Smith, an award-winning author, Zen priest, martial artist, and one of my oldest, dearest friends. We've been sitting in circle together for almost 20 years. Keith grew up in a working-class Irish Catholic family on the East Coast, where his father never shed a tear his entire life and shutting down was just what men did. We get into how he came out of...

In this episode I talk about freeze, the response in men that hides in plain sight. Fight gets respect. Flight at least looks like movement. Freeze just looks like you vanished, and most of the time nobody even clocks it, including you. Plus on top of that a lot of men get praised for being steady when what's actually happening inside them is immobilization. I've lived inside this one for most of...

In this episode I bring on Benjamin Roth and Jeff Raab to explore how improv and theater work can help men get out of their heads and into their bodies. We talk about the courage it takes to make bold choices without overthinking, how to stay present when you cant control the outcome, and why developing comfort with failure might be one of the most important masculine capacities for navigating lif...

After more than 3 years and 7 cohorts of The Heart of Shadow program and retreat for men, Luke and I are thrilled to be teaming up with my wife Violet to bring the experience to women. Many of the men that work with us ask how they can support their partners and the women in their life, and we're thrilled to say we think The Heart of Shadow for Women is one of those ways! The three of us talk abou...