Don't Be An Idiom

Episode 74: Well boys, do ya want the good news or the bad news first? Bad news? Ok. So there’s no fun way to say this, but you’re being sued. By who you ask? Apparently the folks at Little Tables don’t take kindly to being poked fun at. The good news is lawyer daddy’s found a loophole in the Ohio state legislature. All ya gotta do is cough up a couple of silver spoons for greasy Judge Mancrow’s h...

Listen, if you're visiting America and you want to avoid monsters, it's downright impossible. Say you're after a nice little vacation in New England and you're dying to go for a little swamp stroll; well, who do you think will be waiting in the thicket, ready to stare you down and drown your lazy ass? Exactly right — the Pukwudgies! These lil porcupine bastards have been wreaking havoc since the W...

Episode 73: It’s the semi-annual Don’t Be An Idiom Zoo fire sale! That’s right, our zoo is on fire and all of our remaining idiomatic animals are on sale and they are going FAST, Jack! We’ve got guinea pigs, dark horses…er, uh…dark pigs, guinea horses, and much, MUCH more! But seriously folks, you’re gonna wanna get over here while the getting’s good 'cause the smell of singed animal hair and brok...

Episode 72: Happy Friday the 13th, y’all! We know, we know, it’s not Friday the 13th right noooooooow, but it was when we recorded this shit! To celebrate the big bad day AND the release of Episode 72 the boys cooked ya up a big ol’ pot of spooky spaghetti and malevolent meatballs and slopped it up with a terrifying trough of murderous marinara. What’s that? We forgot the bread you say? Don’t make...

Episode 71: Helloooooooo nurses! We know you’ve been waiting all year for this one. It’s the FAIRLY ANNUAL DBAI NEW YEAR’S EXTRAVAGANZA-SODE! The fur is flying and there’s no denying that you’ll be crying if you miss out on the first episode of 2023! Look, we understand that you and this podcast are joined at the hip and that’s why we’re taking you on a trip…a busman’s holiday if you will. Where a...

Episode 70: But soft, what light from yonder window breaks? It is the Egg, and Juliet is the yolk. But enough of that romance shiiiiiit! The boys are coming in hot with a three-egg omelette of idiomatic enlightenment that just may blow your front side off! And if you think for even a single second that the dudes are slowing down, you can just think again, compadre! There’s no rest for the weary ge...

It's that time of the season when the boys get a-bristlin'! Seriously, folks. Teeth over here are gettin' sharp as all dang hell and the wolf hairs are poppin' out like glochids on a cactus. This is why it feels mighty fine to drop the thirteenth installment of Do Be A Monster. This one's bound to get your tentacles glip glopping all over the frigging place. First, let's just get this out of the w...

Episode 69: We-ow! Does it feel like someone slipped you a Mickey? Maybe you just had one too many Thanksgiving Arbor Mists. Remember those? Well, if you’ve arisen from your holiday haze and been like, “Whyyyyy?!” maybe what you need is a big old dose of DBAI! Episode 69 is here and your hangover is merely a paper tiger. So pour yourself a massive Bloody Mary (and let’s just pause for a second and...

Episode 68: It’s your big debut (metaphorically). You’ve finally landed the lead role (in a strictly metaphorical sense). Your dead parents are in the audience, and they’re proud of you…for once. You gotta get out there, kid. You can’t rest on your laurels of being the world’s smallest mole-wrangler in the mall forever. If ya need a little audiophonic courage, pop in Episode 68 of DBAI, forget you...

Episode 67: Happy Halloweiner, everyone! We know you love us 'cause you’ve got that sweet, sweet Stockholm syndrome for your hostesses with the mostesses! But don’t worry, we’re putting away the heavy metal for one night; it’s goin' to be all treats and no tricks. The Idiom Boys just wanna haunt your house so they can watch your sweet television, baby! So, cover yourself in shrouds and listen loud...

Episode 66: Did a stray cat sitting on the roof of a car in the rain distract you just long enough to catch your ex walking into her house? No? Just Albert? Well, I guess it’s time for someone to be escorted to the old booby hatch! If being locked in a padded room is giving you the pip, wriggle a pinky out of your strait-jacket just enough to hit play on Episode 66 of DBAI. We can’t guarantee it w...

Episode 65: Hey all you angry DBAI fans out there! A little bird (actually, he was huge as shit!) told us that y’all had an axe to grind with The Idiom Boys for taking a little much needed R&R. Well, we’re BACK BABY and we’re older than ever! Season 4 has so much in store, you’ll be in love forevermore! We’ve been navigating our fever dreams through the dark forests of our subconscious minds in se...

Quick question for ya: Is there such thing as too many eyeballs? Of course not. Is there such thing as teeth that are too long and too sharp? Uh, try no. How about size? Can a monster be, like, too large? Aw, hell no! Here in the twelfth installment of Do Be A Monster, Albert and Ryan would just like to say that we like our monsters too darn big to hide! But smaller monsters are grand as well. Tak...

Episode 64: We’re doing a special choose-your-own-adventure version of DBAI for episode 64! Actually, it’s more of a Hobson’s choice adventure where you can choose any new episode to listen to as long as it’s number 64! And we know what some of you may be thinking: Why should I waste my time with this rinky-dink podcast when I could be listening to someone famous like Conan or Ron Burgundy? Well,...

Episode 63: As the wind rustles the leaves of the plane trees, a little pallino rolls and bumps its way along the sand. No larger than a golf ball, he demands the respect of the entire universe; he is the real McCoy. One after the other, the bocce tumble towards their master, forever battling to be within reach of that humble, petite, white orb. Crack, swoosh, tick. Mamma mia, there is always one...

Episode 62: All right ya whippersnappers, settle the heck down! We’ve got your precious little Episode 62 right here — don’t you worry. What’s that? You wanna speak to her? Well now, I’m sorry, but that would be outside the parameters of our little agreement. But rest assured, she’s alive and well…more or less. As long as you don’t go acting like a dunce, we can all come out of this smelling like...

Episode 61: Is your dad sitting at the kitchen table making deck notes? Is the family dog eyeing your dad lazily from the kitchen floor? Is the murmur of Rick Williams’ voice from the living room TV slowly lulling you to either sleep or insanity? If you answered "yes" to all of these questions then you are Albert of the famed and celebrated podcast Don’t Be An Idiom. If you answered "no" to any of...

With the winter finally behind us, it feels like a mighty fine time to go a-monster hunting. Welcome to the eleventh installment of Do Be A Monster in which lifelong creature-nerds, Albert and Ryan, hang out with a couple of fantastically fresh freakazoids. If you feel a chill in the air, that's because the Wendigo is among us, bringin' on some cold winds and a taste for delicious human flesh. We'...

Episode 60: Lixty! Lixty! Look who’s sixty! The boys are demonstrating that the proof is truly in the pudding by celebrating a nice, round-numbered episode the only way they know how…by crushing Iron City brews and wolfing down Monster pepperoni rolls straight from the black and yellow heart of Pittsburgh! Yinz be trippin’ if yinz thought the boys couldn’t scrounge up some fresh turns of phrases f...

Never let it be said that The Idiom Boys are a one-trick pony. Nay, not even a two-trick pony! That’s right, the fellas are embarking on their third and possibly greatest adventure yet! It all began with a pizza box and a dream. And that pizza box became their ship, and that dream was the wind in their greasy sails that would carry them to the faraway shores of the island of Stromboli, where a smo...

Episode 59: Been stuck in the doldrums lately? Have no fear, the idiom winds are here! So round up your motliest crew and chart a course for knowledge with a glop of goof on the side. If you’re still down in the dumps by the end of the episode, you can leave us a message at 1-800-WHOGIVESACRAP! Just kidding. We love yous. Take it away, Larry!

Episode 58: Yoo-hoo all you true blue DBAI fans! Episode 58 is dropping hard like fantastic rocks as big as boulders from the sky! Let’s get right down to brass tacks about it: Episode 58 is goin' to drop like the mighty hammer of Thor upon thy sweet crown! If you even see a pea-sized shadow of Episode 58 above you, it is already too late for it shall drop upon thee with all of the devastation of...

Episode 57: You there! Where do you think you’re going? It’s well past curfew and yet your sorry ass is still skulking around like a king o’ the creeps. Well, we like your style, sonny! Now, there’s no reason for anyone to go postal. Why don’t you let your favorite boys tie you to a post till morning instead? And while we’re at it, why don’t you let us pop episode 57 in your ear holes? You know wh...

Episode 56: Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama to Key Largo, Montego, baby why don’t we go down to Cloak-o-mo? Thaaaat’s right folks! Please have your tickets out and ready for this non-stop sonic trip to beautiful, sunny Cloak-o-mo, where the only trial by fire you’ll experience is for the accused suckling pig at the new moon luau! And just between you and us, he’s guilty, guilty, GUILTY!…of be...

Episode 55: Now listen up all you toadies 'cause we're only goin' to say this once. This is the double-nickel episode and you better fucking appreciate it. We went through a lot of literal shit to bring you this episode a week late, and you didn't even text. We know you've had a tough week; we've aaaaaall had a tough week. So relax (and make sure you're really relaxed) and pop a toad in your mouth...