Crafting Solutions to Conflict

It’s good advice to “be humble in victory and gracious in defeat”, a phrase credited to Chrisopher Earle.  Humble: no gloating, no mocking. Gracious: accepting the outcome, no blaming those who enforce the rules fairly, no finger pointing at your teammates. But both can be tough to do, especially in the current political climate in the U.S. Which leads to another quote: “If you can't say anything...

Empathy is demonstrating an understanding of another person's feelings and needs. Sympathy shows concern for another person’s misfortune, but not necessarily with the same connection. Pity can be sympathy with judgment or condescension. Empathy can be very helpful in the conflict context. Sympathy may be helpful. Pity can create or worsen problems. We need to be careful about what we are feeling a...

John Ford is a seasoned mediator.  He also describes himself as the purveyor of The Empathy Set. These are tools to help answer the fundamental questions that so often lie behind conflict: What are we feeling and what are we needing.  The tools include cards, an app, a dictionary and very cool talking sticks. We discuss how to use these tools effectively. To learn more about The Empathy Set and ac...

When we are in ongoing relationships, such as those in an extended family or family enterprise, we should be on the lookout for conflict patterns.  Is there a pattern to when we frequently end up in a bad conflict? A location can set up challenges in at least three different ways. First, a certain location can be the site of a previous dust-up, disappointment, or even tragedy. Revisiting that part...

When we are in ongoing relationships in an extended family or family enterprise, we should be on the lookout for patterns.  Is there a pattern to when we frequently end up in a bad conflict? Which is probably easier to notice than when we don’t end up there. One easy-to-detect factor is timing. Are meetings scheduled at a time of day that is primed for frustration? Are participants in decision-mak...

In the context of a dispute or conflict, we may easily overlook progress. We might miss markers all together. We may see them but dismiss them as no big deal. Baby steps matter. How?  First, though they may be only slight improvements, they are improvements.  Second, they usually indicate some success in those who are in conflict working together in some small way. Third, marking that progress – a...

Most podcasts don’t last as long as mine. Some recent statistics are available here: Podcastpage.io   https://bit.ly/3THcApJ . Why have I been publishing every week for five and a half years?!   I think it breaks down to three things. First, understanding conflict and helping people deal with it better is my passion -- and has been for decades. Second, the podcast gives me the opportunity to talk...

Kristin Keffler joins me for this episode. Kristin is the author of The Myth of the Silver Spoon: Navigating Family Wealth & Creating an Impactful Life. We talk about Kristin’s personal, educational, and professional journeys – and how those threads come together to inform her writing and her work today, especially for Rising Gens in financially significant families. Kristin gives us a brief intro...

Last time, I talked about the alure of a common language. On the plus side, this shorthandsaves time. A common phrase conveys meaning quickly. When I use it, I demonstrate that I know the lingo of this group. We feel a sense of connection when we use our own group language. What could go wrong? A few things.  What if some people are brand new to a group and don’t know the lingo? Will they feel unw...

Similar ideas expressed differently across groups/identities/fields of interest.  Words that are familiar and well-understood within a group. That common language. Shorthand. Lingo. Jargon, even.  Why do we do it? It saves time, that precious commodity. It can be a signifier: I understand the language of this group. And it reinforces our connection to each other within the group: this is the way t...

Douglas Squirrel joins me to talk about the book he co-authored with Jeffrey Frederick, Agile Conversations: Transform Your Conversations, Transform Your Culture. And we discuss an atypical definition of trust, five types of conversations, and what he means by this phrase: “bust your coherence”. You can learn more about the work that Squirrel (as he likes to be known) does and find resources here:...

LARA is a communication and conflict resolution method. Listen: First listen with the intention of truly understanding what the person is saying. Affirm: Find something in what the person has said or implied that you share and affirm that. Respond: Directly address the concern that was voiced or the feeling behind it. Ask open-ended questions and then add new information, new perspective or person...

Usually, we hear about too much of a good thing. Of course, we might not all agree on whether something even is a good thing. Three separate ideas have cropped up recently about our needing more of something that I, at least, believe is a good thing. More of what we don’t prefer, more polite disagreement, and more benefit of the doubt. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An...

Karen Valencic joins me to talk about Akido and conflict, power and force, and the new black belt edition of her book Spiral Impact: The Power to Get It Done with Grace. You can learn more about Karen and her work here:  https://www.karenvalencic.com/ .  Conflictmastery.com will take you to: https://www.karenvalencic.com/membership-site-optin . Find Karen’s profile here: https://www.linkedin.com/i...

Polarities represent an ongoing situation. They come in pairs. They are interdependent: you need them both, over time. Easy example: inhale and exhale.  Harder: when two people see things differently and each one strongly prefers the pole opposite to the one the other person prefers. We can have a natural – initial – tendency to resist seeing polarities where they exist. When we embrace polarities...

Paraphrasing my most recent guest, Cathy Carroll:  coaches work to have all the right questions, not all the right answers.   But when this particular challenge is part of an ongoing relationship, it’s wise to focus on questions before jumping to answers. Asking yourself,what really matters here? What are my interests? My priorities? Is this issue deeply important to me?   We often hear about the...

Cathy Carroll is a leadership coach specializing in family businesses. We talk about her brand-new book – the title says it all. Hug of War: How to Lead a Family Business With Both Love and Logic. You can learn more about Cathy’s work and her book here: https://www.legacyonward.com/. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or confli...

Structure – of some kind – is an essential element of a model or framework. How would flexibility work without structure? I doubt that you would call it flexibility – the very word suggests a change from something. If there weren’t something solid to start, how could you change from it? It wouldn’t be flexibility then – just confusion, chaos, indecision, meandering, fog.  But models, frameworks, p...

Paul Edelman talks with me about how he works with clients to make more informed decisions, generating better results. We discuss his proprietary COImpact model, a process for better decision-making. Paul used his experience in a variety of settings to create the Context, Outcomes, Implications, and Action model – considering what he had seen to work well … and not so well. You can learn more abou...

Our emotions affect the emotions of the person we are talking to in times of stress or conflict. It’s a two-way street.  Wildly oversimplifying the neuroscience of it: when we are physically near each other, we are picking up on the hormones that the other person is experiencing. If only one of us steps aside from the negative emotions, it can have a positive effect on the other person.  When I’m...

My most recent guest, Natalie McVeigh, talked with me about the neuroscience of stress and conflict. Here’s one excellent idea to highlight from our conversation. To paraphrase: There’s a lot of research on stress, and this one conclusion is key -- It’s not the stimuli, it’s our response to those stimuli. First step, be aware. What am I feeling? Is my body telling me that I am stressed? Second ste...

Natalie McVeigh joins me to talk about her interest in the study of neuroscience of stress and conflict and how she uses what she continues to learn about human brains, emotions, and stimuli in her work with families as a coach, consultant, and mediator. And she helps to bust a few brain myths. Here are some key points Natalie made: perception is everything. When we think about conflict we should...

My perceptions are mine and yours are yours. Nothing will change that fundamental fact. Our perceptions are – logically and inevitably – deeply affected by our experiences, assumptions, and expectations. When we see important things in deeply different ways, we have options. We can take a more positive approach. First, we can recognize and accept that we have different perceptions. Second, we can...

Here are some free resources to learn about conflict: Association for Conflict Resolution is here:  https://acrnet.org/ Its Greater New York Chapter (ACR-GNY) can be found here: https://www.acrgny.org/ You can sign up for their monthly roundtable and find recordings of past roundtables there.  The NYC-DR listserv has a wide range of posts. To join this listserv, or to sign up for the digest [i.e....

Blaine Donais joins me to talk about a different definition of “conflict”. Blaine suggests that conflict is a perceived injurious event. We break down the three parts of that phrase and what they mean in practice, particularly in the workplace. Blaine mentions some excellent resources that inform his work: “The Emergence and Transformation of Disputes: Naming, Blaming, Claiming”, article by Bill F...