A Life, Folded

We all have natural expectations with committed relationships--that our spouse or partner will be there for us during difficult times. After all, don't we promise in poverty and wealth, in sickness and health? Everyone knows that life brings ups and downs for all relationships. But, that person you have given so much love and support to will do the same when you need a little help. Right? Sadly, p...

Have you ever had someone respond to your troubles with something like, "Well, I choose to focus on gratitude and what I do have versus what I don't." Ouch! Gratitude is an amazing, and necessary, emotion. Expressing gratitude can do much to improve our lives. However, it can also be a trap. If we constantly force ourselves to put a positive spin on anything that happens, we can repress our feelin...

There is a somewhat predicable pattern that narcissists use when securing their next source of supply or fuel. Or, when keeping their current supply at the ready. That is targeting, love bombing, devaluing, and discarding. This cycle will continually perpetuate itself unless we become educated, aware, and boundaried. We have a right be loved and honored by healthy individuals. Only we can end the...

When you hear of someone struggling, do you want to jump in and help? Solve the problem? Or tell them how you know exactly how they feel? Well, congratulations, you are just like everyone else! It is a beautiful facet of human behavior that we want to help. But, ironically, when we say things with intended empathy such as, "I know exactly how you feel," we actually aren't displaying empathy. Even...

Research consistently shows that porn consumption is associated with poorer relationship quality and sexual dissatisfaction. The idea that porn is a personal decision that doesn’t affect anyone else is simply not supported by research. Porn use leads to a higher probability of cheating, lying, divorce, abuse, addiction, body dysmorphia, and performance issues. Let’s stop dancing around the lies th...

Most of us think of the aging process as a mellowing season. Many of us wish that the narcissists in our lives with also mellow with age. Unfortunately, narcissists typically get worse as they get older. They lose their looks and their charisma. They have burned bridges and have a shrinking pool of narcissistic supply to draw upon. Their children become more educated and learn about boundaries. Su...

Are you a fierce champion of others? Are you always at the ready to defend the underdog? Have you noticed, though, that you often struggle with these type of activities when it comes to taking care of yourself? For many of us, we have spent our entire lives having to deny our needs in order to survive. But, when we learn that we are worthy of self-care too and that we are the person best poised to...

For many of us, growing up with problematic family dynamics or being partnered with emotionally abusive individuals has caused us to become people pleasers. These relationships have left us feeling like there is something inherently wrong with us and we are unlovable. We learned, perhaps at a very young age, that we had to audition or work really hard to earn love. Over time, we might even begin t...

Have you ever felt horrible about taking care of yourself? For removing yourself from toxic situations, which may have ramifications elsewhere, such as with your children's feelings. I have and I realized that I was experiencing survivor's guilt. I understand that desire to protect your children and others from pain, but I also deeply know and believe that we all have the right to be happy and at...

One of the most common questions I hear is: How will I know if my partner has changed? Can people really change? The answer, of course, is yes...with an exception. Cluster B personality-disordered people do not change, because they think nothing is wrong with them. Take words with a grain of salt and look for actions to determine true intent to change.  #alifefolded #manipulation #manipulationtact...

After being betrayed, abused by a narcissist, or suffering through the devastating realization of your partner's pornography use, you may feel broken. That you have nothing of value left to give. That is simply not true. We all have a divine, unique reason for being on the earth at this moment. We all have been enriched with individual talents and gifts that bring value to those around us. What is...

There is nothing fair about the fallout of going through betrayal trauma, being cheated on and manipulated, and being forced to pick up your life after it has exploded in your face due to actions of someone you deeply loved. But is there a way to reframe the message such that it honors your pain yet allows you to heal and start your healing? #itsnotfair #alifefolded #depressionisnotajoke #depressi...

When you experience betrayal trauma in your life, it often causes resultant symptoms that can mirror PTSD. There are common behavioral, emotional, and even physical symptoms after you have been betrayed by your intimate partner. If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, they are completely normal and you are not alone. #alifefolded #depressionisnotajoke #depressionslife #depressionfighter #yo...

Once you start to understand, heal, grow, exert boundaries, and improve yourself in any way, you will encounter the ire of the narcissists in your life. Cluster B personality-disordered individuals want you captive in the quagmire of their manipulation, gaslighting, and abuse. When you begin to break free, you might be a cause of their mask slipping, revealing to the world the monster behind the p...

People often rationalize emotional affairs as harmless because they are "just emotional." But, the opposite is true. Emotional affairs are cheating. Emotional affairs crumble relationships as one partner goes to another for support, affirmation, and validation. This often leads to secrecy, shame, and unhealthy comparisons. This groundwork of intense emotional connection often leads to physical aff...

A small act of service on a difficult day changed the trajectory of my life and how I viewed everything moving forward. As we are navigating the excruciating pain of betrayal trauma and abuse at the hands of the narcissist, it is easy to begin thinking that we contribute nothing good to the world. But, take heart, the kindness learned through refining experiences do bless the world. You bless the...

When navigating the pain and uncertainty of betrayal trauma, it is not at all uncommon to have your body and nervous system go into survival mode. Everything has changed. Nothing seems real anymore. Everything you thought was true was not. You might find yourself struggling to seek to control something, anything. You might began to feel an almost compulsive need to start amassing items or to make...

Perhaps as you go about making your new year's goals and undertaking a self-audit of your relationships, you have come to a disconcerting realization: that you are allowing, even encouraging, people to use you as their own personal doormats. People pleasing and unfettered helping behaviors at the expense of your own needs are often a survival skill adopted to navigate toxic relationships. The prob...

After learning that I was married to a narcissist, I began doing a lot of research to learn and make sense of my life. I was so surprised to read that one common complaint about narcissists is their purposeful habit of interrupting the proper sleep and rest of their partners. That had been my experience too; I had no idea I was not alone in living this through this kind of manipulative behavior. W...

Have you suffered issues with depression after being betrayed by your intimate partner? If you have, please know that this is an extremely normal reaction to such a jarring and traumatizing event in life, but it seems that it is not spoken about as frequently as other health issues. Have you also found that when you are vulnerable and open up about your struggles, the supportive reaction that you...

His porn use must have something to do with you, right? If you looked more like a porn star, had the surgical enhancements they have, he'd stop, right? You can change and that will make him change, right? WRONG. Porn use, emotional affairs, and nefarious cheating has nothing to do with you and it never has. This is about an individual is choosing to hide behind porn use instead of addressing their...

How can we discern if behaviors in our relationship are simply troubling or moving into an area where undue influence is being exerted? The concern with manipulation is that it is slow and insidious in its progression such that it eventually begins to feel normal, caring even. We can at times worry that those we love, or even ourselves, are being manipulated. But how do we know? This episode explo...

Hoovering is a common tactic used by cluster b personality disordered individuals to suck their sources of supply back in to their cycle of abuse and drama. What is hoovering? How do you know what is real and what has been made up to influence you? How do you recognize hoovering tactics? Why is it dangerous? And, how do you protect yourself from the narcissist's unending toxic cycle of love bombin...

It is common to hear things such as: porn hurts no one! It's a harmless past time! It protects me and actually keeps me from cheating. Nonsense. If individuals don't understand that porn is cheating, they need a bracing reality check. This episode delves further into how porn is permanently damaging not only the self-esteem and feelings of self-worth of the partner but ALSO the consumer of porn. ...

Why would people who have been your friends, neighbors, or even family members suddenly start to vilify and lie about you? Well, if you are removing yourself from a relationship with a narcissist or cluster b-personality disordered individual, they have to have individuals who support and champion them, no matter what horrible behavior they engage in. Hello, flying monkeys! Why do flying monkeys e...