The Horror Virgin

Happy Halloween HV Fam!!! Since a lot of you have been asking for this episode, we thought it might be nice for you all to hear our thoughts on Crimson Peak!!! -Todd “He’s the worst ophthalmologist ever, he never saw any of this coming.” This week’s hottest movie is... Crimson Peak. This film has everything: a six foot baguette sadly loafing around, terrible real estate choices, And a mother doesn...

“Tommy Doyle could have just gone to therapy, but we’re glad he didn’t.” This week’s scariest horror movie is... Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers. This film has everything: children wielding knives, planets slowly coming into alignment, and one of the best places to give birth to a demon child. If you love Dr. Myers OBGYN, Religious Cults, and bringing a knife to a slap fight, this episode’s...

“It’s like an angsty teenager blew up because it was forced to shower.” This week’s scariest listener request movie is... Alien 3. This film has everything: A soon to be star director getting screwed by the studio, An unsexy prison monk scenario, AND that prison is still somehow safer for Ripley than any church. If you love industrial dread, prison monks, and men in rubber suits, this episode’s fo...

“You might say those two guys have a hand job.” This week’s scariest meta movie is... Wes Craven’s New Nightmare. This film has everything: a murderous Thing hand, terrible sex toy suggestions, And the craziest Mangione theory you’ve ever heard. If you love runaway limbs, ill-advised bedroom gadgets, and the truth finally getting out there, this episode’s for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Revie...

“I don’t remember A Bug’s Life having this much religion in it.” This week’s scariest horror movie is... Exorcist II: The Heretic. This film has everything: a locust DJ, a shaman/scientist in a lab coat. a vibe that is way to much star wars to be as bad as it is. If you love bug-fueled bangers and shamanic science whiplash this episode’s for you! What did you think of our episode on Weapons? Tell...

“All I saw was a feel-good film about an aunt who loved her nephew so much she’d stop at nothing to plan a sleepover for him.” This week’s most chaotic PTA-nightmare horror movie is... Weapons. This film has everything: heat-seeking children, Thumbs Up Seven Up, And the strangest fast food theories since everyone stopped using the playplaces but know one talks about why. If you love feral playgrou...

This week’s wiggiest horror movie is... Van Helsing. This film has everything: a wig that out-monsters the monsters, an electrical Wonka, And a that might be having a little bit too much fun. If you love catastrophic hair, candy-coated mad science, and truly maximalist nonsense, this episode’s for you! What did you think of our episode on Renfield? Tell us on social media @HorrorVirgin or @HorrorV...

“This is the first time that Nicolas Cage has ever been stopped by a circle of cocaine.” This week’s nastiest toxic-boss horror movie is… Renfield. This film has everything: Corporate Dracula, Welcome-Mat Vampire Law, and the most truthful line ever yelled at the police at the beginning of a chase. If you love quitting your immortal boss, doormat loopholes, and Ben Schwartz on pharmacy time, this...

“He is just shipping himself with snacks.” This week’s bougiest coffin-cruise horror movie is… The Last Voyage of the Demeter. This film has everything: a vampire who mails himself across Europe with provisions. Blood bag wisdom brought to you by Snapple. And an idea for a Dracula movie so brave it will never happen… again. If you love bougie undead meal prep and blockbuster pitches that should ab...

“This is why we shouldn’t have made women wear corsets.” This week’s prettiest fever dream is… Nosferatu. This film has everything: a naked blood-circle fax machine. Some of the absolute worst period-accurate hair. And a villain that edges so hard when he final gets what he's after it, literally kills him. If you love moody gothic vibes, unexplainable vampire etiquette, and horny morality tales, t...

“My dick is encased in wax. It’s the ultimate condom.” This week’s horniest fire hazard of a horror movie is House of Wax . This film has everything: wax-on-wax violence, Quentin Tarantino’s evil twin, and smoldering chemistry only ruined by shared parentage. If you love incestual tension, foot trauma, and the slowest wax-based final fight in horror history, this episode’s for you! Please Subscrib...

“He’s wearing more flair than an Applebee’s assistant manager" This week’s hungriest horror movie is… Bones and All. This film has everything: A Donkey-Kong victory dance to a KISS tune, Ethical-cannibalism campfire rules, and the most understandable abandonment you'll ever seen on the silver screen. If you love road-trip vibes, meaty metaphors, and unhinged food discourse, this episode’s for you!...

“I’m just impressed by the loyalty of the Funky Bunch.” This week’s most unhinged horror-thriller is… Fear . This film has everything: the unwavering loyalty of the Funky Bunch, the death of a german Kaiser, and a crew you can’t tell is a rock band or the Bling Ring…but either way, they’re showing up to your house and it’s not for rehearsal. If you love questionable life choices, possible paternal...

"You're the hottest person at your college and dumb enough to get kidnapped." This week’s most scariest horror movie is I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. This film has everything: Jamiroquai in a murder poncho, A lost live action Scooby-Doo episode. And a six-shooter that fires eight times. If you love karaoke, seafood mascots, and Jennifer Love Hewitt losing a fight to basic geography, this...

“ If turtles are flightless birds, is lasagna a cake? ” This week’s most requested horror movie is Willy’s Wonderland. This film has everything: A silent janitor with zero follow-up questions. Animatronic Pizzagate. And a haunted true crime original story of convoluted that you'd need five nights to sort it out. If you love flightless turtles, debt-era Nic Cage energy, and animatronics get curb-st...

“That necklace should only be viewed through a hand mirror.” This week’s scariest horror movie is What Lies Beneath. This film has everything: ghost girls with boundary issues, true crime witchcraft girlies, and a husband who invents the biggest red flag ever. If you like a movie that dares to ask the question, Can Han Solo act? This episode is for you. Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The Horro...

“I would stay in a dumpster overnight with you.” This week’s all-too-real horror movie is The Purge: Anarchy . This film has everything: Dumpster survival strategies, rich psychos in cocktail attire, and a Frank Castle stand-in that just can't shake these "hangers on." If you love movies that sound like they were written by the lyrics to a Rage Against The Machine song, this episode’s for you. Ple...

“If your daughter’s in a drawer, it’s too late.” This week’s horniest horror movie is… Silent Hill. This film has everything: A giant sexy demon that just can't wait to rip everything off you. A cop whose clearly not dressed for the day she's having. And a mom thats just asking if we could tell her how to get, how to get to Silent Hill. If you love horny cosplay, questionable law enforcement fashi...

"It's only car chase I can describe as dialogue-heavy." This week’s scariest movie is... Death Proof. This film has everything: A scar that somehow makes it hotter that he’s murdering you, foot close-ups, and a theory that will have kit marlowe scratching Shakespeare's head. If you love Snake Plissken thirst, feet you didn’t consent to seeing, and the cursed brilliance of #Sorkentino, this episode...

"Is this just Fight Club in the 80s?" This week’s most unhinged highway horror is The Hitcher (1986). This film has everything: Gas station explosions, Tyler Durden cosplay, and a Swedish-American shoulder-width that brings all the Pages to the yard. If you love shoulder theories, not know if Rutger Hauer wants to kill or fuck you, and cops doing the absolute least, this episode’s for you! Please...

"Have you never had a boba pee?" This week’s scariest road trip movie is... Wrong Turn 2: Dead End . This film has everything: A reality show where the prize is dying first. A muscle-bound host with drill sergeant energy who shoves dynamite in a dude’s overalls just to watch him pop. And a final girl redemption arc so meaty, you’ll swear this movie was funded by NAMI. If you love chainsaws, carniv...

This week’s scariest movie is... Friday the 13th (2009). This film has everything: an underground tunnel empire straight out of Gummy Bears, using a machete to hack away at a public library keyboard, and a burial comparison you will not see coming. If you love quick tunnels, blunt trauma, and silent killers typing with bladed weapons, this episode’s for you! What did you all think of our episode o...

“It’s an R&B Blade.” This week’s coolest horror movie is... Sinners. This film has everything: A team up so legend Nick Fury would be jealous, Uncles reminding the nephew to eat, and both Michael A, and B Jordan's doing their best to protect their culture. If you love demon-slaying jazz clubs, delightful doormen named after bread, and learning that the clitoris is not in the glovebox, this epi...

“The monkey is basically Tommy Lee, and I'm sick of pretending not to notice.” This week’s most unhinged horror movie is... The Monkey. This film has everything: An electric detonation, A stripper face reveal that will blow your mind, and a haunted toy chimp that was just following orders. If you love flamethrower pawn shops, placenta-fueled twin rage, and Planet of the Apes energy with zero restr...

“He's made of knife.” This week’s slimiest horror movie is... Terminator 2: Judgment Day . This film has everything: a corrupted Windows version of Gollum, a reality where John Connor skips leading the resistance and just lives his best life frothing lattes at a Glendale café, and a robot so anatomically gifted he can slice a sandwich with his knife-dick like he’s the deli manager at Skynet Whole...