Parent Pause

Imagine being taken out for cake and slowly realising the cake is actually a meeting. I’ve done it too. We arrange lovely time with our children, then smuggle in questions about school, friendships, revision, screens and whether they have remembered their water bottle. In this Parent Pause, I’m asking when spending time together became another opportunity for improvement - for them and for us. Wha...

Our love may be unconditional - but is our availability? Sometimes what we call a consequence is actually connection being withdrawn. The cancelled outing. The bedtime conversation we no longer have the energy for. The icy car journey after an argument. I’m exploring the difficult difference between addressing unacceptable behaviour and making closeness feel as though it must be earned. Because be...

“We need to have a chat” may be the fastest way to stop your child talking. The conversations that matter rarely happen when I’ve prepared thoughtful questions and arranged the perfect moment. They appear sideways - in the car, while chopping vegetables, at bedtime, or just when I thought I was finally off duty. In this Parent Pause, I’m wondering whether we sometimes want our children to talk bec...

What if your family routine hasn’t failed because there was never a track to fall off? I used to reach week three of term, survey the late bedtimes, forgotten homework and fridge full of condiments, and decide we needed a whole new system. Usually while brushing my teeth. But family life might be more like music than a railway. We lose the beat. We listen. We find our way back in. In this Parent P...

Your child may be learning more about friendship from the friendships you tolerate than from any advice you give. They hear us telling them to have boundaries, choose kind friends and walk away from relationships that diminish them. Then they watch what we accept in our own lives. In this longer Parent Pause for paid subscribers, I’m asking what our friendships are teaching our children about loya...

Everyone in my family calendar had a colour. Except me. Then I realised why - almost everything in it required something from me. I had become the person making everyone else’s life possible, while gradually disappearing from my own. This Parent Pause asks the question: when you look at the week ahead, are you actually in it? Because our children don’t need us to vanish to prove that we love them....

When family life speeds up, we become so skilled at holding everything together that we can disappear from the picture. I’m wondering whether what we need isn’t better balance, but a rhythm that includes us too. In this Parent Pause, I’m asking what brings you back to yourself in the middle of an ordinary, untidy week. Not what you think you ought to do. What genuinely helps. Have a listen, then t...

Perhaps your child doesn’t need another opportunity. Perhaps they need someone who requires their expertise in worms! I’ve been wondering when childhood became one long improvement project, and what it feels like to be surrounded by adults who can always see your potential. In this Parent Pause, I’m thinking about the peculiar places where children find belonging, and the relief of being enjoyed r...

What if everyone else isn’t getting the best of your child? What if they’re getting the most managed version? Some children hold themselves together all day, then come home and unravel over broken toast or somebody sitting in their chair. I’ve been thinking about why their worst behaviour can sometimes be evidence that home is working, and how we can offer safety without turning the rest of the fa...

A child can have plenty of friends and still feel profoundly alone. They may be invited, included and apparently thriving, while spending the whole day editing themselves to keep their place. Girls do it. Boys do it. We adults do it too. I’ve been thinking about the difference between being included and truly belonging, and the small clues that tell us when friendship has become a performance. Tha...

Our child’s friendship fallout has an uncanny way of waking every friendship wound we’ve ever had. Suddenly, we’re not just the parent in the kitchen. We’re eleven again, standing at the edge of the playground. I’m wondering whether being trusted with the story is really an invitation to fix it, or whether our child needs something harder from us: to listen without taking over. Thank you for pausi...

What if asking, “Who’s your best friend?” is making friendship harder for our children? I’ve been thinking about our fixation with that one special, inseparable person and how easily closeness can turn into loyalty tests, jealousy and possession. Perhaps three very different friendships can offer a child far more than one person carrying the grand title of “best friend”. Did having a best friend m...

“Just ignore them” may be some of the worst friendship advice we give our children. When a friend leaves them behind, the hurt isn’t trivial. It raises a much bigger question: do I still belong? In this Parent Pause, I’m thinking about how we can take that pain seriously without taking over, inflating the drama or rushing in with solutions. What did the adults in your life say when friendship hurt...

Your child is upside down on the sofa complaining she’s bored, while somebody else’s is learning Mandarin before tea. Should you be worried? I’ve been wondering when children’s free time became an empty container that good parents are expected to fill. Perhaps the more confronting question isn’t whether our children are falling behind, but why an unplanned afternoon makes us so uncomfortable. Than...

What if your child saves their worst behaviour for you because you’re their safest person? When school gets the delightful child and we get the slammed bag, snapping voice and tears over pasta touching peas, it can feel deeply unfair. I’ve been thinking about what may have happened before that final, seemingly ridiculous straw - and why our front door is sometimes where everything falls apart. Tha...

Does an empty afternoon make you feel as though you’ve failed to provide something? September urges us to fill every space with clubs, lessons and opportunities. But I wonder whether the rush says more about our anxiety than our children’s needs. This week, I’m asking what might happen if we let them properly settle into the new school year before organising the term around them. Thank you for pau...

The first week of school contains very little evidence and an astonishing number of parental conclusions. I’ve been thinking about how quickly one lonely lunchtime, forgotten book or difficult teacher can become the story of an entire year in our minds. Some things need action, of course. But not every discomfort is danger, and sometimes the steadiest question we can ask is, “Does this need my int...

Some children hold themselves together beautifully at school, then unravel over the wrong yoghurt the moment they get home. Their behaviour still needs boundaries, but perhaps the collapse is telling us something important about where they feel safe enough to stop performing. Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or...

Perhaps “How was school?” is less about our child’s day and more about our need to know they’re all right. I’ve been thinking about what we ask of children when they’ve barely made it through the door and we expect them to sum up six hours of social, emotional and sensory life. Sometimes they don’t need questions yet. They need toast, the cat, something familiar and a little time before their word...

What if all our helpfulness is telling our children that we don’t think they can cope? I’ve been wondering when helping stops being love and starts depriving a young person of the chance to discover, “I can manage this.” Stepping back can feel like neglect, especially when we can see the forgotten bag, missed bus or awkward mistake coming. But perhaps becoming slightly less useful is part of prepa...

Perhaps your child’s sudden panic doesn’t mean they’ve made the wrong choice. I’ve been thinking about the strange mixture of excitement and dread that can arrive before secondary school, sixth form, university or a first job. We’re often quick to reassure, advise or start packing another box. But every beginning contains an ending, and sometimes our children need us to stand beside them at the ed...

Your child may be watching for one result before they even open theirs - the result on your face. I’ve been thinking about how easily a handful of grades can begin to feel like a verdict, not only on our children, but on us as parents. In this Parent Pause, I ask what our children might need from us in those first revealing moments. Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episod...

I don’t think it’s only because we’re watching our children suffer. It’s possible because we’re remembering our own pain as well. Watching a child standing on the edge of a friendship group has a way of waking up the child we once were. The one who wasn’t invited. The one who didn’t quite fit in. The one who wondered what was wrong with them. In this Parent Pause, I’m thinking about why exclusion...

Here’s some friendship advice I think we should ignore. Teach your child to be nice. Of course we want our children to be kind. But over the years, I’ve started to wonder whether our determination to raise children who are agreeable, accommodating and well liked sometimes comes at a cost. Because what happens when being a good friend means ignoring the uneasy feeling in your stomach? What happens...

What if we’ve become a little too interested in how many friends our children have? I hear parents say this all the time: “I’m worried because she only has one good friend.”Only one. As though one close friendship could somehow be considered a failure. In this Parent Pause, I’m thinking about the difference between popularity and belonging, why being alone isn’t the same as being lonely, and why s...