Miranda's Fruit Friends

While Miranda experiences some classic seasonal stress, we wonder whether a perfect Christmas is even possible - albeit not for long, because obviously it's not.

The Fruit Friends group chat has had only one, what I call, 'Miressage' this week: 'Stuck with mum. Hell on Earth. Prepare many drinks'. So with none of our advice needed, and since this is Calum's favourite episode, we rank our favourite episodes of various sitcoms, and discuss other shows that have had entire episodes that are one single scene.

As Miranda and Stevie try to keep up with the energy of their new young friend Tamara, we really get into the mind of the youth by going off on a tangent about noughteens boy band The Wanted.

We ponder whether we'd advise Miranda in the group chat to just have sex with Gary and get it over with.

As Miranda attempts to do good for the sake of a pre-mortem eulogy, we ponder our own legacies. Perhaps this subpar podcast will be our lasting gift to the world?

Is there anything you'd like to try ohrn? Perhaps an episode of a podcast about a defunct and possibly altogether forgotten comedy series? No? Rude. We ponder the merits of otherwise of attempting to turn over a new what I call leaf.

We're ready for Miranda to be done with Gary as he ups his sticks and heads for Hong Kong - but we don't think it's, what I call, becoming for Miranda and Stevie to be fighting over, literally, a Husband

As Miranda fails to hit it off with Dreamboat Charlie, we recall some of our own bad dates. We also recall a Miranda-themed visit to South Ealing Cemetery. Say no more, shush please.

We agree that going on holiday to somewhere round the corner to where you live has a lot of pluses, recall how "Amanda Barnes" became part of our vocabulary, and consider how well or otherwise we'd disguise our crush on Jason

We query whether it's a good idea to take up an entire full-time managerial job just to impress an acquaintance, and mull over (good word, 'mull') at what age one should retire from slapstick

Calum is fuming at what Gary wants to do with Miranda's kebab (ooh, cheeeky!), we strongly disapprove of Stevie's behaviour as a houseguest, and we wonder which of us broke wind first in our relationship. I'm not being rude!

We fail to warm to Gary, advise our heroine that she might be better off starting an Etsy, and wonder whether the fictional Miranda's surname is also Hart.