No Crying In Baseball

Where was Michael Brantley when Patti had a flat tire? Turns out he was rescuing other strangers in distress closer to Minute Maid Park, as boyfriends do. Pottymouth’s old Dodger BF Kiké Hernandez works some magic for her new BF Justin Turner . Addison Frickin’ Russell is back. The Panda = Mudcat+Bees. Albert Pujols historic RBI mark set off a new set of NCIB Rules, this time on catching baseballs...

Patti and the Pottymouth welcome Jenn Rubenstein of @QueerFancyStats to talk using gmLI , wOBA, and spreadsheets in the service of good. Through Jenn, the mad baseball skills of MLB homophobes generate donations to local LGBTQ organizations, as do successes of exemplary community leaders like National’s closer Sean Doolittle . This week’s cross-training segment looks at gender, and gender equity,...

Two #1 prospects got the call this past weekend and Vladimir Guerrero, Jr. and Carter Kieboom did NOT disappoint. The Youthquake hit Nats Park as Juan Soto and Victor Robles joined Kieboom in homering in the same game, making history . Patti and the Pottymouth check in on their predictions a month in, and learn they are Not Good At This and perhaps should have thought about Cody Bellinger some mor...

Patti and The Pottymouth set up the context around the Tim Anderson fracas /ruckus/bruhaha. Can’t ignore that he’s the only African-American player on the White Sox. Shockingly, we come out on the side of Kids Today , and agreeing with Trevor Bauer . We welcome very special guest Emily Jaenson , General Manager of the Reno Aces, who tells us what it takes to run a Triple A affiliate. By the end of...

Trevor Rosenthal records three outs and Chris Davis has a three hit game, and all the best memes are over. It turns out that Ozzie Albies ’ team-friendly extension is not just about his choices, but the ripple effect changes how other players are valued . Patti and Pottymouth have a friendly homerun smackdown over their picks for National League RoY, Pete Alonzo and Fernado Tatis, Jr , respectivel...

Patti comes This Close to swearing like a sailor when Trump calls off MLB’s agreement with Cuba. Boyfriend Ronald Acuña, Jr. signs a deal for life-changing money, Christian Yelich becomes a spokesmodel for good in the world, and David Price wants to see Mookie Betts’ face everywhere. This week’s baseball math takes us to infinity and beyond with Trevor Rosenthal’ s impossible ERA. Yasiel Puig clea...

Pottymouth has the power to break up no-hitters while eating pizza, but Patti can’t get out of walk-up music hell. Christian Yelich just keeps hitting home runs, Yandy Diaz doesn’t need no stinkin’ launch angle, and catcher Russell Martin pitches a 1-2-3 inning for the Dodgers. Did Patti put him in the wrong category in the Fantasy Boyfriend League? Your hosts offer their playoff and award predict...

Patti cross-trains for Opening Day by rocking her March Madness bracket. Pottymouth warms up with early morning baseball in Japan (thanks for everything, Ichiro). Fernando Tatis Jr is Johnny Hustle, but he doesn’t make the Opening Day roster. Matt Olsen was set to be Patti’s starting 1B, until he had hamate surgery. Yes, that’s a real thing. We’re all about fun facts and contract extensions this w...

Pottymouth is in Ted Williams heaven and Patti wallows at the top of the Misery Index as we kick off the St. Patti’s Day show. The Blue Jays make some excellent promises around minor league pay . Astros manager AJ Hinch wins the dubious honor of the first premature ejection of the (pre)season, Bryce Harper makes news by falling down and getting back up, and both Adam Jones and Carlos Gonzalez land...

Daylight Savings Time and breakfast beer render us incapable of avoiding Alex Rodriquez’s engagement to Jennifer Lopez. We send our best to Tom Seaver of the Miracle Mets. Omnivore Patti explains to vegetarian Pottymouth why it is totally reasonable for Joe Kelly to suffer back problems after staffing a five-hour crawfish boil. We raise our breakfast beer to our girl, Jessica Mendoza , on her new...

We get past the feels to discuss the bigger picture of Bryce Harper’s record-setting agreement with the Phillies. Nolan Arenado also breaks contract records this week with his 8-year extension with the Rockies. What do these deals mean for other superstars? Ronald Guzman adopts a condor and starts a trend. Pottymouth uses her “keep one boyfriend” card on Mookie “Pookie” Betts, and Patti owes her a...

Patti and the Pottymouth bask in the glow of watching our boys in the first spring training games. The dying embers of the hot stove bring us a Machado Free Agency object lesson, and a soft landing for Mike Moustakas . Predictably, Patti chooses Dr. Smooth, Michael Brantley , as her Astros boyfriend, while Pottymouth goes for young superstar Carlos Correa , of the World Series marriage proposal. P...

In just one episode, Pottymouth apologizes to Carlos Asuaje, C.C. Sabathia , and Francisco Cervelli, and says “ interpretive dance” and “papiamentu” while Patti condones inspirational quotes and uses “Cutie Pie” in a sports context. Hell has indeed frozen over. Max Scherzer , Jake Arietta, and Christian Yelich call foul on the free agency season. Yankee Boyfriends are not an easy sell to NCiB, so...

Frank Robinson was a hero to your NCiB hosts, for Cleveland, for Baltimore, for Washington, and for Puerto Rico. RIP, Frank. MLB makes an excellent wording change . Pottymouth won’t let Patti pick a DH fight , yet. Maybe next week.  Pottymouth continues building a Curaçaoan-heavy boyfriend team with her pick of A’s shortstop Jurickson Profar .  Patti counters with Oakland’s breakout home run king...

Patti and the Pottymouth enjoy a civilized baseball conversation just hours before the football screaming begins. Nolan Arenado’s one year deal at the arbitration deadline sets a new record, and talks of a contract extension may save him from free agency drama. Our hometown Nationals get props for stellar execution of the offseason, no matter what Harper decides, while many teams just don’t seem t...

A.J. Pollock signs before those other guys. The Tampa Bay Rays tell their shrinking fan base that their cash is not welcome at Tropicana Field. The Red Sox kick their White House visit further down the road. “ Utility player ” doesn’t mean what it used to mean, in the new world order of the shift, no ground balls, and a big fat bullpen.  In a surprising turn of events, Pottymouth picks a nice guy,...

In her continuing quest to encourage the watching of winter baseball, Pottymouth teaches Patti Spanish baseball words. Adam Ottavino throws shade at Babe Ruth. Will Kyler Murray listen to Deion Sanders ? The hot stove has cooled so much we pay attention to a “ stupid loser ” spat. We forget one or two of the five tools, but Pottymouth’s Mariner’s boyfriend, Mitch Haniger , has six. Patti did not p...

Pottymouth’s Twittertale finally makes Patti stop defending Trevor Bauer . Yasmani Grandal puts a spark to the hot stove, and Kyler Murray brings back memories of Bo Jackson and Dieon Sanders. We both abandon our initial inclination to bend the rules for Shohei Ohtani and instead select Andrelton Simmons and Justin Upton as Angels boyfriends. Pottymouth gets to flaunt her Curaçao chops and Patti g...

Today’s vocabulary word is “cazatalentos” as MLB scouts visit the Cuba finals for the first time. Nearly 200 free agents are waiting for Harper and Machado to get on with it already so they can have a turn. Both our Twins boyfriends have been suspended for drug use, PED or otherwise. Kinda Pottymouth’s wheelhouse, but Patti? Come, on! Eddie Rosario wins Pottymouth over with hurricane relief and vi...

CC Sabathia gets that unearned bonus and almost has a heart attack . We were THIS CLOSE in our predictions. We can’t completely shake our Dominican infielder boyfriend rut, but we add the Dad factor. For the Rangers, Pottymouth selects Yankee-killer Ronald Guzman , and Patti goes with super nice dude Scott Heineman . Closer to home, Pottymouth gets Phillies catcher Jorge Alfaro for real this time,...

Patti and Pottymouth find a soulmate in Cami Kidder , director and producer of the upcoming documentary, “ Throw Like a Girl .” Any story that starts in Red Sox fantasy camp and moves on to 11-year-old girls taking on the baseball patriarchy is okay by us. Before the interview, Patti defends Wyoming, for the first time ever, and later fesses up that Wyoming native Brandon Nimmo , that Smile Guy, i...

Are the Diamondbacks and Mariners already tanking on purpose? Why else would Paul Goldschmidt get shipped off to St. Louis? The Nationals say thanks for Patrick Corbin, BTW. Jean Segura ’s trip to the Phillies nails the Seattle coffin shut. It’s too early for this nonsense. The word of the day is “waivers.” Pottymouth turns down Brandon Dixon for the second straight week, picking Christin Gaylin H...

Patti and the Pottymouth acknowledge the passing of former Yale Baseball Captain George Herbert Walker Bush , who earns major cred for keeping his college glove oiled and ready in a desk drawer in the Oval Office. The Mets make a monster trade for Robinson Cano , leading us to wonder about Brodie Van Wagenen’s reach. Jonathan Schoop, Billy Hamilton, and others get “ non-tendered ” which is one wei...

Big Sexy Bartolo Colon is pitching with the Eagles, which sounds like a metaphor but really we’re just waiting for him to come back from the Dominican League. Adrian Beltre achieves Boyfriend Emeritus status and we still aren’t allowed to touch his head. Jose Bautista’s bat flip inspires an entomologist and today’s baseball science segment. Big Maple James Paxton is pitching with the eagles, which...

Pottymouth’s wrap-up of the MLB All-Stars series gives her the last opportunity of 2018 to say Zoom Zoom AND Ginger Beard in the same segment (you have to see John Brebbia’s face to believe it). Patti works Red Sox and Women’s Hockey into the same sentence as Sox VP Raquel Ferreira drops the ceremonial first puck at a Boston Pride game. Recently fired Seattle Mariners exec Lorena Martin and the te...