PsycHacks

As we move through life, it's almost inevitable that someone will become angry or upset with us in response to our behavior. However, hurt feels are not -- in and of themselves -- proof of transgression. If your own examination indicates that the behavior in question does not conflict with your moral or ethical beliefs, do not apologize. This can be taken as a confession of guilt and justify addit...

The idiom "to take offense" reveals a fundamental truth on the matter, namely: offense is taken, not given. Those who have had the misfortune of having an enemy -- someone who is acting deliberately provocative -- know that they can control their reactions, so as not to give the provoker the satisfaction. This indicates that we have agency in the decision to become offended -- and also that we nee...

People often say that relationships require compromise. However, in practice, this often amounts to the negotiated unhappiness of both parties. This is because the heart of compromise is always quid pro quo: I'll give up what I want now, and you'll give up your right to what you want later. An alternative to compromise is sacrifice, in which individuals choose to change in order to secure future b...

People want what other people want. This is because the interest of others generally serves as a proxy validation of the variable under study. And to the extent that validation is delegated across a diverse and independent network, this is actually a pretty reliable heuristic. In this episode, I'll discuss an anecdote on the topic from my personal experience and explain its relevance in profession...

An approach-avoid conflict occurs when we want a relationship with a particular person at the same time that we are repelled by certain aversive or unwanted characteristics of that person. We don't want to give up what we want, but we also don't want to go after what we want. People can experience a great deal of emotional distress as a result of this ambivalence. In this episode, I'll discuss two...

Many folks I talk to experience existential uncertainty. Not only are they unsure as to why they exist, but they often doubt that they should. In this episode, I extend the Disneyland metaphor used in a previous talk ("Life is like Disneyland") in order to argue that your existence is already justified by virtue of the very fact of that existence. It's very hard to sneak into Disneyland; it's even...

We're all subject to passing through moments of extreme difficulty, when nothing seems to be going our way. In those times, it's very important to maintain a humble vantage point and to temporarily lower your conditions for victory. Seek out small wins and resist the temptation to judge yourself for doing so. Small wins are like the stars: they don't provide a lot of light, but it would be really...

Humans need structure. This is because structure provides the opportunity for goal-directed behavior, which is one of the primary factors responsible for meaning and purpose. The issue is that externally-imposed structure is much easier for people to surrender to than is internally-imposed structure -- though the former is typically less fulfilling than the latter. In this episode, I'll discuss me...

When we're faced with an important decision, it's a good idea to perform due diligence: to collect information relevant to the situation and to forecast probable outcomes. However, the results of this analysis alone are never sufficient to produce the actual decision. This is because decision is an act of the will, and more closely aligned with emotion than with reason. The highest to which the ra...

Other people have what we want, but may not give it to us. In this way, other people are both an opportunity to be seized and a problem to be solved. So what is the most effective way of dealing with them? Karen Horney's "Three Trends" model provides us with an excellent lens through which to view potential paths forward. According to her theory, we can either move toward others, move against othe...

Over a long enough time line, the vast majority of us will experience a lapse in discipline that will cause us to fail to live up to our standards for ourselves. While this is already sufficiently aversive, we typically make matters worse by denying ourselves the pleasure inherent in the lapse -- which is often the only consolation of the problematic behavior. So if you're going to cheat, indulge....

High-stakes situations can be nerve-wracking. Among other things, this is due to the fact that the outcome is still uncertain. Under such circumstances, people are subject to tensing up and succumbing to fear -- both of which are generally ineffective mind states. To defend against this, cultivate the belief that you've already won and your opponent just hasn't realized it yet. This will allow you...

Though I speak with many successful and accomplished people, I often hear from them that they were happiest back when they were hungry and striving. This is a dirty little secret about people: they're generally more satisfied climbing a mountain than perched on its summit. This is the "gift of becoming" -- and it's the quickest route to increasing your happiness and satisfaction.

Trying to change the weather is an exhausting, expensive, and ultimately futile endeavor. Rather than attempting to alter circumstances at that scale to suit your ends, focus on becoming a more skillful sailor. A skillful sailor can use most prevailing conditions to achieve his goals by responding with flexibility and mastery. In this episode, I discuss tendencies to internalize and externalize in...

Many of the issues folks struggle with today have their origins in the distant past in their families of origin. At that time, children unconsciously adopted coping strategies and defense mechanisms in order to face their circumstances, most of which were outside of their control. Their suffering was generally not their fault. However, now that these same folks are grown up, it is their responsibi...

The aperture through which we view a problem is very important. If it's too large, we are subject to becoming overwhelmed, which frustrates constructive action. Rather than attempt to plan out all of the steps to a goal that can take months or years to achieve, focus on the making the next right move. What can you do today to move the ball further down the field? By limiting yourself to what is im...

The critical inner voice is a phenomenon that most of us experience from time to time; however, it can be incessantly cruel in the case of depressives. The critical inner voice is generally understood to be an introject of a parent's perceived negative attitudes toward the child. With this in mind, the first step toward mitigating the effect of this voice is to make it ego-alien, to consider it as...

Many of the folks I speak to are dissatisfied, despite having a job, a relationship, and a decent standard of living. Most often, the source of this dissatisfaction is the gnawing suspicion that they could do better. That said, many worry about letting go of a decent option, because they simultaneously fear that they won't. In this episode, I discuss my mantra for resisting the urge to settle: if...

The Buddha once commented that one of the characteristics of reality is that it is inherently unsatisfactory. Life can be infuriating, heartbreaking, and disappointing. However, focusing on these issues is not a testament to your discernment, intelligence, or creativity. This is because finding problems is easy. To distinguish yourself socially and professionally, make a commitment to look for sol...

In the Bhagavad Gita, the god Krishna tells the warrior Arjuna that "we have a right to our labor, but not to the fruits of our labor." This can be a bitter pill to swallow. We would like to believe that we live in a universe that rewards effort, and that sufficient sacrifice will guarantee the result we desire. However, that's not the universe we live in. On the other side of this delusion lies a...

As a therapist, I occasionally hear people balk at the cost of therapy. However, the alternative can be significantly more expensive. On average, Americans wait ten years to contact a therapist about an emotional or psychological problem. This is an extraordinarily long time to potentially suffer unnecessarily. How much would you pay to make your problem disappear? That value is actually your budg...

"Why am I here? And what should I do with my life? What's the point of all of this?" These existential questions lie at the heart of the human experience. While I can't offer definitive answers, in this podcast I offer one possible way to approach the meaning of life, namely: life is like Disneyland. The point of Disneyland is to experience Disneyland. Likewise, the point of life is to experience...

Why is that some people seem to have all the luck while others perpetually come up short? While many factors determine success, there are also some underlying principles that predictably influence its attainment. In this episode, I discuss the three keys to getting what you want in life. First: you have to know what you want. Second: you have to be willing to wait. And third: you need to be able t...

We are all subject to thoughts that show up uninvited and that predictably lead to unpreferred emotional states. Serial 7's is an efficient and effective technique capable of disrupting these thoughts before they're able to trigger the corresponding emotion. In this episode, I'll model the use of this technique and discuss the cognitive principles that underlie its effectiveness.