PsycHacks

Despite all of our intentional action, we never really know what we give to others. I learned this lesson in the context of my work as a private tutor. When I would cross paths with my students years later, they had always forgotten everything that I was paid to teach them -- but they would remember some throwaway comment I made one day. It took years for my students to teach me what I taught them...

Anyone who has had a panic attack knows how terrifying and upsetting the experience can be. Fortunately, there are ways of preventing panic attacks without the use of psychiatric medication. These methods have worked for me, personally, and dozens of my clients. In this video (the first of two), I'll discuss the anatomy of a panic attack: the sequence of events that conspires to create the experie...

Happiness is a choice. It is based on a decision to turn toward the present moment and accept it as enough. On the other hand, when we choose to base our happiness on external conditions, three things happen: we disempower ourselves, we rob ourselves of the potential for joy in the present moment, and we enter into games of control. I'll discuss why each of these is true in turn in this episode.  ...

If a game is anything with rules and a goal, then relationships are a game. We know there is a goal, because we want things from other people. And we know there are rules, because we can't act however we want to get whatever we want. In this episode, I'll respond to the most common negative reaction to the conceptualization of relationships as a game: that "game playing" is "immature" and "manipul...

It's good to care for others. However, in some cases, the way we care may inadvertently do more harm than good. As a therapist, my rule of thumb is to never want something for someone else more than they want it for themselves. If someone is not motivated to change, I'm even slightly less motivated than they are. This can help some folks to hold their own motivation and take greater responsibility...

A metaphor I often use with clients is that emotions are living things. Like little creatures, they have their habits, and their likes and dislikes. And like any other living thing, more than anything else, they want to continue to exist. They want to keep living. This is important to understand, because the impulses you feel when you're emotional may better serve the emotion in question than your...

Some people enjoy small talk. I'm not one of them. I like my conversations to be interesting and meaningful. The problem is that you generally need to pass through small talk in order to get there. Over the years of working as a therapist, I've learned many tools to quickly open conversation partners. One of them is treating small talk like a game. In this episode, I'll discuss similarities betwee...

In a previous episode, I defined a game as anything with rules and a goal. If this is true, then human relationships are definitely a game. In this episode, I will discuss the fundamental game of human relationships: the game that exists beneath all negotiated interactions. It's called the game of please-no. I'll briefly discuss the rules of the game, and some of the general strategies that people...

In this episode, I introduce the concept of the game as a framework for understanding reality. I define a game as anything with rules and a goal. Life is a series of nested games, and all of us are playing many games simultaneously. A large part of the share of human suffering on this planet derives from the fact that at any moment we are forced to choose which of several games we want to win and...

Most of us use the words "need" and "want" interchangeably. However, there are important psychological differences between the two concepts that differentially impact our emotional experience. Since "need" is associated with survival, it carries with it the threat of extinction. As a result, "need" can transform a mundane task into a life-or-death struggle. On the other hand, "want" is associated...

An attraction proxy is anything a person uses to secure love, sex, or commitment by indirect means. A common example of this is a man who believes that women will be more attracted to him if he were rich. In this case, the man is using money as an attraction proxy. While access to resources increases attractiveness in general, it is neither necessary nor sufficient to do so. The only reliable way...

Many folks I talk to experience existential uncertainty. Not only are they unsure as to why they exist, they often doubt whether they deserve to exist at all. In this episode, I extend the Disneyland metaphor used in a previous talk ("The reason why you exist") in order to argue that your existence is already justified by virtue of the very fact of that existence. It's very hard to sneak into Disn...

This is the first in a series of short talks on applied stoicism, which is what I call my adaptation of stoic philosophy for the practice of clinical psychology. In this episode, I'll discuss the egocentric nature of the concepts of "good" and "bad." While this may slaughter a sacred cow, it also leaves open the possibility of always receiving the good and never experiencing the bad. And who would...

"Why am I here? And what should I do with my life? What's the point of all of this?" One way or another, we all have to grapple with these existential questions. These existential questions lie at the heart of the human experience. While I can't offer definitive answers, in this episode I offer one possible way to approach the meaning of life, namely: the purpose of life is to experience life. In...

There's a notion of identity that assumes that -- deep down -- who we are is a sort of unchanging, crystalline entity. But I think this idea is betrayed in the practice of our everyday lives. Our experience of self changes significantly, based on where we are, who we're with, and what we're doing. This is because relationships "pull" latent aspects of self out of our personality structures that ma...

The fear of being judged by others is a fear that I commonly encounter in the scope of my clinical practice. The key to conquering this fear is an understanding of a clunky psychological concept called "theory of mind." This means that we unconsciously project the content and structure of our own consciousness onto others in order to facilitate interpersonal interaction. An amazing consequence of...

In my experience, a great deal of the unnecessary suffering in the world originates in the decision to say "no" to the present moment. Placing oneself in the position of resisting reality creates friction, and this friction creates suffering. In the vast majority of cases, resistance neither improves the situation nor helps us get what we want. On the other hand, by adopting a posture of willingne...

The critical inner voice is a phenomenon that most of us experience from time to time; however, it can be incessantly cruel and abusive in the case of some folks. It's the voice that is very mean to you when you make a mistake, or that generalizes global personality flaws from local failures or rejections. Many researchers believe that the critical inner voice is an introject of the parents' perce...

The sexual double standard is basically that it is socially acceptable -- or considered a positive -- for men to have multiple sexual partners, but that it is socially unacceptable -- or considered a negative -- for women to have the same. In this video, I'll discuss why I believe this double standard is culturally determined -- but not in the way most people think. Rather than a "mere" belief or...

"Enough" is a quantity that does not exist in reality. And if something doesn't exist, it's not something you can have. This is why no one has "enough" money, "enough" sex, or "enough" power. "Enough" is a concept that exists in our minds: it's psychological. It's the decision to accept the present moment as sufficient. Understanding this distinction opens the possibility for greater contentment a...

The experience of inner emptiness is at the heart of many of the issues that I discuss with my clients. Those who experience it try to fill it in many ways: with drugs and alcohol, with sex and relationships, with work and busyness, with pleasure and distraction. And they don't work, which is to say: they work for a time at great cost. In this episode, I'll discuss the only three things I've ever...

Every day, life presents you with new and unexpected challenges to overcome. How can you respond confidently to a difficulty that you've never dealt with before? In this episode, I share two tips for successfully addressing just such a situation. Hopefully, they will help you find the wherewithal to rise to the occasion. #confidence #selfefficacy #focus

According to the fundamental axiom of the balance of attraction, no two people can like each other exactly the same amount. In this episode, I'll discuss the pros and cons of being in the position of the adored, the one who likes the other less. The adored get to be loved by the ones they're with. This position is a better fit for those who prefer not to live as much in their emotions, or who (for...

Values can be expensive. So are they worth it? In this episode, I discuss one of the most valuable things about values: their utility as decision making tools. When we find ourselves at the Crossroads of Life, values can help to clarify the path forward by filtering out incongruent pathways. In a very practical way, they help us answer the question: "what should I do?" #values #decisive #growth

According to the fundamental axiom of the balance of attraction, no two people can like each other exactly the same amount. In this episode, I'll discuss the pros and cons of being in the position of the adorer, the one who like the other more. Adorers get to be with the they love, and they get to experience all the emotional consequences of that opportunity. Adorers enter into relationships to fe...