Your Stupid Minds

A mere eleven months after our previous descent into erotic millionaires gallivant-ing around, we're back to the grindstone with our review of Fifty Shades Freed ! Now that Ana has married hunky but troubled Christian, they're just gonna bone all day every day in their sex dungeon forever with no repercussions, right? But other handsome people have their own ideas! Smallville-alum Eric Johnson (La...

Your Stupid Minds finishes out its stunt casting double feature with the 1996 direct-to-video movie Breakaway , "starring" shamed figure skating star Tonya Harding. The sassy quotation marks are because she's barely in the movie and her character serves almost no purpose. Myra (Teri Fruichantie) is a mob courier who goes out on her last job. Her boss doesn't like that very much and instructs his n...

Your Stupid Minds presents a '90s stuntcasting double feature this month, starting with Skyscraper , which is Die Hard plus boobs plus helicopter and starring Anna Nicole Smith. Carrie Wisk (Smith) is a helicopter pilot for Helescort (which sounds like a prostitute delivery service) and married to LAPD cop Gordon (Richard Steinmetz). When she delivers some evil dudes to a downtown high rise, she a...

Your Stupid Minds finishes out its series and the year with ABC Family's 12 Dates of Christmas starring Amy Smart and Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Kate (Smart) is a single thirtysomething jerk who is trying to get back together with her ex-boyfriend during the holidays. While shopping for an expensive present for him, she is spritzed in the face with perfume by a careless clerk and knocked unconscious. Sh...

Special guests Valeah Beckwith and Danielle Nasr return to the podcast as we continue our Hallmark/Lifetime Christmas Movie series with the Lifetime/Netflix film The Spirit of Christmas . Kate (Kati Salowsky) is a high-powered big city workaholic lawyer from Boston who has no interest finding true love. Her goateed boss instructs her to go to a cozy rural bed and breakfast in order to appraise it...

It's the Holiday season, so Chris and Nick get into the spirit by crossing into the unexplored frontier that is... Hallmark Christmas movies! That's right, a series of Christmas-time reviews from people who are absolutely not the demographic for them! We begin with 2004's A Boyfriend for Christmas , where Holly (Kelli Williams of The Practice ) makes the titular Christmas wish as a child to a cree...

Your Stupid Minds finishes off the Lesser Baldwin series with the 1994's Showtime original high concept sci-fi porno Dead Weekend starring Stephen Baldwin. During a fake earthquake evacuation in a dystopian LA-like city, Weed (Baldwin) and Payne (David Rasche) are officers in the paramilitary police force assigned to catch a rogue alien while also murdering as many gang members as possible. Weed u...

Your Stupid Minds continues its Lesser Baldwin series with 1999's forgettable and nearly unacquirable Desert Thunder . Directed by Jim Wynorski ( Vampirella , Chopping Mall ) and starring Daniel Baldwin, Desert Thunder is about a fictitious late '90s operation to bomb an Iraqi anthrax facility before Saddam can attack a major European city. Though the stakes are high, the film is mostly about Bald...

Your Stupid Minds moves into our Lesser Baldwins series with the reasonably forgettable Fair Game . Based off the same crappy book as Cobra , Kate McQueen (Cindy Crawford) is a high-powered female Miami lawyer who's shot at while jogging. She gives her statement to the swaggering and inexplicably Italian-American Det. Max Kirkpatrick (Billy Baldwin), which then sets off a series of elaborate tech-...

Your Stupid Minds finishes out the Cynthia Rothrock series with one of her most beloved films: China O'Brien ! No, it isn't the story an Asian Irish fusion restaurant with sesame fish and chips and black and white rice pudding. It's a kick-ass karate film in the style of Road House and Walking Tall . After city police officer China (Rothrock) is not punished for committing a justifiable homicide i...

Your Stupid Minds continues its ad hoc Cynthia Rothrock series with 2014's Mercenaries in which she barely appears! A team of four incarcerated women (Zoë Bell, Kristanna Loken, Vivica A. Fox and Nicole Bilderback) are forced to save the president's daughter from a crazed female terrorist (Brigitte Nielsen) an an Expendables -style mission at the behest of CIA agent Mona (Cynthia Rothrock). They t...

Your Stupid Minds returns to one of its most-frequently used tags: martial arts! Join us, gentle listener, won't you (© Karina Longworth), as we travel to the world that was Hong Kong cinema in the 1980's, as brought to us by director Corey Yuen ( DOA: Dead or Alive , this amazing JCVD Russian kickboxer fight, The Transporter ), featuring our first but not last film featuring Cynthia Rothrock.

Trigger Warning: Even though no children should ever listen to this podcast, there is a sequence where we talk at length and repeatedly about the 100% irrefutable fact that Santa Claus is not real. If you are an irresponsible parent whose children can listen to profanity-laced podcasts yet still hold onto the worldwide delusion as to the existence of a fat man who breaks into your house and gives...

This time around Your Stupid Minds delves into the scary alternate universe science fiction dystopia in Pure Flix's God's Not Dead 2 . Producer and "Pastor Dave" David A.R. White returns with an all-star cast that dwarfs the middling 90s television actors of the first film (Dean Cain, Kevin Sorbo), with some people who can actually act. Grace Wesley (Melissa Joan Hart) is a saintly Christian high...

Bad movie expert Nathan Smith returns to the podcast with another Uwe Boll masterpiece, his sophomore entry into his mid 2000s video game trilogy (I know he's done more but House of the Dead , Alone in the Dark , and BloodRayne are the gold standard) Alone in the Dark ! Based on a computer game no one's played, this one features Christian Slater as a globetrotting paranormal investigator, Tara Rei...

The Barbarian Twins Peter and Paul David (from The Barbarians ) return to the podcast. Instead of a Conan the Barbarian ripoff that showcases the fact they're two buff twins, they're now in a buddy cop comedy that showcases the fact they're two buff twins. Peter Jade (Peter Paul) and David Jade (David Paul) are two buff twins whose life paths have diverged. David is a cop in an LA Raiders children...

Your Stupid Minds delves into well-trodden bad movie territory with the notoriously terrible animated Italian film Titanic: The Legend Goes On . We may not have the annoying falsetto screech of The Nostalgia Critic, or the deep-seated racism of JonTron, but we do have notable animal lover and Chris's sister Sarah Dobson back on the podcast. Angelica (Lisa Russo) is a lowly beautiful servant who lo...

In honor of the probably mediocre renter Ghost in the Shell coming to theaters, Your Stupid Minds reviewed something that kinda sounds like it: 1993's Ghost in the Machine , starring Karen Allen ( Raiders of the Lost Ark , The Sandlot ), Chris Mulkey ( Twin Peaks ), and Jessica Walter ( Dr. Strange , Arrested Development ). The Address Book Killer (Ted Marcoux) is a local weirdo who works in a com...

Your Stupid Minds tries a semi-new release before the other big name bad movie podcasts can take a crack at it: Fifty Shades Darker ! Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) and Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) return per contractual obligation for this needless sequel to the passable first film Fifty Shades of Grey . Ana and Christian are broken up. And when you break up with someone, it's important to ju...

Your Stupid Minds is staying political with 1996's First Kid ? Haven't you wanted to see what would happen if a snot-nosed child of the President of the United States teamed up with Sinbad? Your wish has come true! Luke Davenport (Brock Pierce) is the teenaged son of the president. He doesn't get along with his current Secret Service agent, so Sam Simms (Sinbad) is assigned to his detail. He sneak...

Your Stupid Minds brings you a chilling tale of things to come (or are) with 1996's Barb Wire . See if any of this sounds familiar to you. It's during the second civil war. Martial Law. Congressional Directorate. Old democracy overthrown. Sounds familiar. What year does this take place?  2017??? THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! Barb Wire pinpointed where we were going with shocking accuracy. In any case, it...

Your Stupid Minds finishes out the Neil Breen oeuvre with 2015/2016's Pass Thru , brought to you by a purchased $30 standard def DVD from the Breenster himself! Falling into Breen's "foreign being committing mass murder for the sake of humanity" genre, Pass Thru is about a time-traveling alien named "Tghil" (named after a yogurt container) who embodies the corporeal form of a heroin-addicted loser...

Merry Christmas from Your Stupid Minds! We celebrate the holiday with a middling shelved Hungarian/UK adaptation of Tchaikovsky's classic, with 2010's The Nutcracker in 3D ! Starring a young Elle Fanning as Mary, John Turturro as The Rat King, and Nathan Lane as Uncle Albert Einstein (yes this actually happened in the movie). When Uncle Albert brings over a Nutcracker and dollhouse for his niece M...

Your Stupid Minds takes a detour off the well-traveled roads of bad movies to seek out William McGaha, a writer, director, producer, and star of three very cheap films in the 1960s and 70s. Fresh off Nudie-Cutie Bad Girls for the Boys and Stock-car racing+gangsters project The Speed Lovers , McGaha's third and final passion project is J.C. , a 1972 biker movie about a religious fanatic and Jesus-a...

Your Stupid Minds goes back to its roots (once again) with the first foray into Hollywood(ish) by former football washout Brian "The Boz" Bosworth: 1991's Stone Cold ! The Boz plays undercover cop Joe Huff (under the alter ego John Stone) to infiltrate a murderous, terroristic biker group led by Chains Cooper (Lance Henriksen). After some mild blackmail from the FBI, Huff/Stone goes undercover to...