Why Does My Partner

How is it that two people can live through the same thing and one person experiences it as traumatic and the other person experiences it in a completely different way?  The answer is often a combination of personal history, the language we use to process it, and DNA.  But perhaps the stickier question regarding trauma and relationships is, Why don’t you understand that this was traumatic...

This week, Jules, Vickey, and Rebecca consider the many reasons why our partners might worry that we are cheating on them.  The question really is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to how our thinking brains handle unknowns--fears, worries, insecurities.  Our partner’s implicit memories can be triggered by an action without them even being aware of it.  Or we may not know ho...

Sooner or later, everyone reaches a point in their relationship when they ask, “Why did my partner even marry me at all?  Why are they with me?”  It’s a question that typically comes up when things have been hard for a while, which--surprise!--is completely normal.  Modern committed relationships are a spiritual journey.  There is a reason why we choose partners that stir up ou...

Let’s talk about different options when it comes to therapy, get honest about what therapy feels like and help support you in going after what you want if therapy is right for you.  We also get curious about the differences between requests and demands and look at practices that would support both options. That wraps up season 1 of the Why Does My Partner podcast. We’ll be working behind the...

Does your partner blame you for a ton of stuff?  Whether you are the blamer or the blame this episode is sure to help. In this one  we help you think through assessing what’s blaming and what’s not. We hope to inspire you to trade in loving firmness for harshness.  Let’s look at how blame hurts the person holding it as well as the person receiving it.  We’ll talk about not taki...

What happens when a situation is feeling unfair?  What if there are skills and deficits in each of you that are different...what if those differences drive you crazy?  We’ll face grief, talk about direct requests and face how hard it can be to live with each other and negotiate shared space.  What can we do to embody love towards ourselves and each other even while we face these cha...

In this episode we take on the question "why does my partner get so emotional? Emotions are annoying and they don't serve a purpose anyway." And our answer begins with the science behind why emotions do matter and why they will run your life. Humans are meaning-making creatures and emotions play a vital role in that process. We are feeling beings, the question is: are we conscious of it or not? We...

We love this question from someone wondering about what’s going on inside them when they don't compliment their partner. And we take it as an invitation to explore Us Consciousness: Are you ‘Me focus’ or ‘Us focus’? Do you know if your agenda is connection or protection? It's a knowing that — how you’re doing, how I’m doing, how we are together — are all of equal importance. We also take a look at...

Can we talk about normal marital hatred?  Yes, that’s true it is normal. We explore the three phases of a long term relationship, look at how to hold each other in warm regard even as we suck and get curious about why our partner gets up our bum so badly.  Can you hold yourself and your partner in love even when you do sucky human things?  We explore what makes it so hard and give t...

Let’s talk about touch, intimate touch, fun touch, how we communicate to our partners what touch we enjoy.  This is a light and fun episode and yes, we do talk about sex. We’ll get into how to learn about your own and each other's touch preferences, communicating about touch and enthusiastic consent.   Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact If you want to dive...

In this one, we look at layers of how this might be an issue. We share a few different things that might be coming up for you and we talk about ways to soothe yourself and trust yourself.  We all struggle with the stories we create about each other, lets dive in and think about how to radically love ourselves and trust ourselves as we journey into the vulnerability of partnership. Share your...

How do we handle differences with our partners? Are we excited by them?  Are we drawn to them? Are we repelled by them?  We explore the stress we are under, dealing with loneliness and looking at one of the difficult catch 22’s of partnership.  We share tools about how to not take things personally and learn to expand our understanding and compassion of each other and our difference...

We talk about over functioning and under functioning in this episode. This is a common dynamic in many partnerships. We tackle invisible work, emotional labor and gender roles. Yes we will weigh in on patriarchy and talk about relational health and power dynamics. Do you know how to function in your relationship in a stance of sharing equal power with your partner? This episode we share ideas abou...

We don’t shy away from the complexity that is human beings in this episode. Buckle in for an extended episode, we’ll dive deep into the science and into what relational skills will work. How can we take in things when they are good?  What does compassion have to do with calming my feelings? Can rage really be a bid for connection? We talk about many levels of the subconscious mind and how man...

In this episode, we’ll explore humor, the stories we tell ourselves and how fast those stories lead to reactivity.  Do our stories about what’s happening in our love lives help us or cost us or both? Let’s explore how to find our stories, come into relationship with them and be more vulnerable and close with each other.  Plus, we’ll cover compassion and why it helps calm us down. Share y...

In this episode, we talk about Boundaries and so much more. Do we absorb too much? Or is nothing getting through? If our Boundaries are in place, we’re able to be curious and see the deeper needs under our partner’s behavior. You’ll hear us learn more about each other and model curiosity, rather than defensiveness. And we review one of our favorite skills, moving from Demand to Direct Request…beca...

Why do we say yes when we don’t mean it? Do we know our own answers? Can we be vulnerable and can we allow our partner to be vulnerable? This episode is chock-full of skills: not saying yes when we mean no, making direct requests, not demanding, speaking truth, using psychological boundaries and creating your own boundary images, differentiating between agenda, strategy and needs, allowing for a N...

Defensiveness in relationships is normal and something all of us experience at one time or another. In this episode, we discuss the things that could be behind that defensiveness. Are you communicating with your partner in a way that is coming off judgmental or attacking? Is your partner feeling hurt or scared? We explore the common root of defensiveness, hurt and fear, and learn healthy ways to n...

Can we go deeper with love languages? Your hosts have 3 different views on how helpful love languages are and we discuss it with no holds barred and collaboration. Today we focus on skills that come out of this space: directness, making agreements and meta conversations.  These are advanced skills for any couple. For those who don’t know what “The 5 Love Languages” are, it is a concept a...

Neuroscience will bring compassion to us all!  Let’s learn what the brain does and what to do in response to the brain doin’ what it does.  We’ll be talking about learning to watch our minds and bodies in real time.  And we’ll be hitting these topics: Relational Health + Compassion + Equal Worth + Right Responsibility- boom! Share your questions with us at: whydoesmypartner.com/cont...

This is one of the most common questions we get in our offices.  If my partner really knew me wouldn’t they get me? This episode we consider being known, grief, checking our expectations and finding vulnerability.  We’ll be trouble-shooting ways to get met and go deeper with your partner. Share your questions with us at: whydoesmypartner.com/contact If you want to dive in deeper, conside...

In this episode, we’re tackling the question “Why does my partner lie to me?” We look at both sides of the issue: "why might I be lying" and "what might I be creating that leads my partner to lie?" It is always a good idea to look at your own behaviors as well as your partner’s. We also talk about the importance of accountability. And we introduce different stages of a relationship, how to work th...

Whoo-hoo! This is our inaugural episode of the Why Does My Partner podcast and we are super excited to share it with you. We're your hosts, Jules, Rebecca, and Vickey. We are all couple therapists and we met just before (literally) the pandemic shut down while training in Mexico with our mentor, Terry Real. In this trailer episode we're sharing the story of how we met, how we've come to work toget...

This episode uses the question “Why Does My Partner Load the Dishwasher Wrong” to look at how couples handle the differences between them and ways to get curious rather than defensive. We discuss what goes on for us when we respond in unhealthy ways and how to flip our responses into relational health. Share your questions with us at: whydoesmypartner.com/contact  If you want to dive in deeper, c...